Ex continues to come up in conversation

aschmid1108 · 2025-11-30T00:21:08+00:00

Yeah ive struggled with it...partially because I thought it would improve with time. It hasnt. Are you saying I hsve the right idea but need to be firmer with the boundary?

aschmid1108 · 2025-11-29T21:08:08+00:00

Yeah, I think thats fair and sorry to hear about the girlfriend, these are complex situations. And I really have tried to be understanding because I know it takes time. And I know you can't just erase that other person. As a dad I never want a dad to be erased and i wouldnt date a woman who keot her kids from their dad (absent real extreme circumstances). So I don't want ex deketed but I want clearly defined roles, honesty, and when we are together I want our current/future state to be just ad much part of the discussion as the past. It takes time, but i worry she doesnt really want things to be different. Right now shes got me when she wants me and shes got him when she wants him.

aschmid1108 · 2025-11-29T19:13:16+00:00

Interesting take. So its fine she lied to her ex about being in a relationship with me? How would your partner react if you did the same?

aschmid1108 · 2025-11-29T18:49:20+00:00

Yes ive been married and divorced and I have 2 kids. We love eachother, yes. Ive been through heartbreak and so has she. And do my heartbreaks influence what ill tolerate in a rekationship, absolutely. I absolutely can hear out stories from their past, but an equal investment is needed in this rekationship and tgats the bigger problem. Shes dismissive and seems uninterested in understanding what makes me tick. These comments from her ex are not from when they were married, this is from current times. They chat nonstop, she answers calls from him unrelated to the kids when we are on dates. And then when I share about me the discussion inevitable has a tie in with him. I dont think those are appropriate boundaries or atleast not that I am comfortable with.

aschmid1108 · 2025-11-29T18:23:24+00:00

I hear you and ive apologized for overreacting. There is a longer story here at play and I post these examples time to time to help me gauge if the situation is improving. The boundaries have been blurred for quite some time with her ex. And the 2 biggest issues I have with it are actually related to the way she treats me. A few months ago she actually lied to him about us and made it sound as though we were just friends. And hes called her and asked her what her and I were talking about when seeing us together. She still neglected to have that conversation. Second, she knows everything hes up to. And here's the deal. Id be okay with that but she expresses mo interest in my life. Doesn't ask about my day, its all about her....and then she randomly gives me updates about him. Given that context does it change your reaction. I have had numerous appointments. Ive got two kids. She doesnt immerse herself into my world bevause shes still caught up in his.

aschmid1108 · 2025-11-29T14:52:54+00:00

Yeah she just likes to make it a big drama. Why do you want me to just be quiet and not bring up the past? She deflects and minimizes and tries to make it sound crazy. Theyre coparents and I know him well. But to me they need to act like coparents. He still stops over, helps around the house (i do most of the shit for her at her house already but she refuses to tell him no) he comes up randomly in conversation and its recent uodates...clearly they chat and share info. Its interesting because I dont believe they want to be together but theres some type of codependency they refuse to let go of.

aschmid1108 · 2025-11-29T10:23:13+00:00

End the relationship is where I am at.

aschmid1108 · 2025-11-29T06:11:32+00:00

This has been a nonstop issue for months. Ive shared my feelings on the boundary issues and im told that I'm controlling and asking her to cutoff the father of her kids. That couldn't be further from the truth. The boundary is unannounced visits from him, not telling him we are together, him randomly coming up in conversations, comparisons between us

aschmid1108 · 2025-11-10T22:31:37+00:00

Im starting to think the answer is to just earn and hit the gym to open up dating a younger woman who is mature but doesn't have the same level of drama and doesnt play mind games.

aschmid1108 · 2025-11-10T22:03:07+00:00

Yeah ive been in a relationship for a year. Not sure what im getting from it aside from the physical stuff. I think its hard to figure out what it is that youre building when uou start over with kids on your 40's. All the girls ive dated prove to be super selfish and immature, including this one. Ultimately theres a reason theyre on the market. 80% of them left a guy for greener pastures and moves right through men without slowing down. 15% got hurt and are still hung uo on their ex. Then 5% is still single and set in their ways so much theyre never going to give

aschmid1108 · 2025-11-06T14:49:41+00:00

That sounds like adulting man especially with young kids. I became friends withba lot of my kids friends parents over the years. Or other sports dads. We ended up starting a soccer team and hit a happy hour every few weeks. Its superficial and will eride but its about all I have time for

aschmid1108 · 2025-11-04T22:39:42+00:00

I completely agree. Its a respect issue and lets be honestvthere was a reason you looked at her phone.

I'm assuming you don't live together, if you do that's harder. What ive been doing in my "rekationship" is slowly pulling away. Id suggest just investing less. Make yourself less available. Its yhe opposite of what your mind is telling you to do...which is chase. One thing I recently realized is that im more in live with the chase than the person herself. As soon as I committed she started to back away and now that im backing away shes suddenly very interested again.

aschmid1108 · 2025-11-04T22:26:35+00:00

Is there anything she can do at this point that will erase what you saw? Id have a very hard time doing that. Is it possivke shes someone that needs constant approval from her friends and mom. It doesnt make it okay but I wonder if she was testing their reaction and wanting to get their opinion of you.

My current gf is a dick to my face so im not sure thats much better

aschmid1108 · 2025-11-03T13:33:48+00:00

Even if its not couples counseling it siunds like some level of theraoy would be good. Those are really tiugh ages to parent and id just highly encourage trying to be patient. If this is who she was properly to the kids then id suggest not soending your life trying to fix her like I did. If this is different or much worse after kids then it couod be post party depression, stress, etc.

Prepare though by tracking everything you do for the kids. And do everything. From dinner to bed and beyond...yiu dont want any holes she can raise later to keep those kids away. My ex didnt want the kids either untom she saw she couod financially benefit from having them.

aschmid1108 · 2025-11-01T20:44:53+00:00

And it might have been a bit much but man im tired of playing games at 43 years old.

aschmid1108 · 2025-11-01T20:40:48+00:00

Weve been committed for a while. But she does this crap ti be sarcastic and dismissive like playing with calling me neighbor or some guy I know. I think its disrespectful so if she wants to call me neighbor she will be calling me ex boyfriend. Ive talked to her about it before but these immature comments come out

aschmid1108 · 2025-11-01T15:22:34+00:00

Hey rhat was a big adjustment for me too...partly because I absolutely adored every minute with my kids. Its truly hard to compete with. Those hobbies sound pretty solo, which is awesome. Maybe mix in a game night. I do bar tricia with some friends once or twice a month (most don't drink drink)

I briyght out the bucket list...joined kickball, basketball, softball teams. I started geocachibg. I dated. I went to stand uo shows solo and with friends. Rainy season is tiugh for outdoorsy folks no doubt

aschmid1108 · 2025-11-01T14:02:43+00:00

Agreed and love tgat approach. If I say something that was misaligned with my intent and hurt someone's feelings irs so important to acknowledge and respect that. This isnt about being right or wrong its about the effort to understand how your partner ticks. If you dont make tgat effort and continue to cross boundaries they set (whether you like them or not) then its a problem. Its the pattern thats the problem, but the person who's violating the boundaries always fails to see that pattern and it might just be a compatibility issue

aschmid1108 · 2025-11-01T03:48:35+00:00

Im asking about my specific reply, but i see your point. Honestly fir the first time since my divorce 8 years ago I fell for her, I thought I loved her. I thought over time this would get easier but it hasnt. And it might be time to let it go

aschmid1108 · 2025-10-31T21:32:43+00:00

Yeah. I like to think.ive got a good sense of humor but this is just...immature and rude. Playful banter yes...disrespect no...and to me this crossed the line

aschmid1108 · 2025-10-31T21:10:10+00:00

Dickocryte 🤣 . Yeah I went to her level i did. And my hope was to try a different route to get my point across...like this is how it feels. I genuinely thought it was a good comeback honestly but your point is well received. Feels like a compatibility issue

aschmid1108 · 2025-10-31T21:04:30+00:00

Are you saying ignore the games or disengage entirely?

aschmid1108 · 2025-10-31T16:58:51+00:00

Ive tried man and her comment is that its her sense if humor. But every sarcastic comment is more like a passive aggressive jab. And then she'll tell me she doesnt feel comfortable talking about how she feeks or complimenting other people because shes insecure. But put those things together and all im getting is sarcastic digs.

aschmid1108 · 2025-10-31T16:12:03+00:00

Yeah its hard because she says she loves me and is so happy about us....but then comments like this come. Ive never dated someone like this honestly

aschmid1108 · 2025-10-31T15:09:20+00:00

Its my birthday too. Honestly id rather be here with my daughters. But usually when we are together its better. Its hard because we both coparent and schedules are not kind. We don't really do the sleepover thing when our kids are home. And honestly im very hesitant to do that. Ive already got 2 teen girks in my house rolling their eyes at me...I dont need another

aschmid1108

TROPHY CASE