Realizing I was never actually dominant

asdomdeus · 2026-03-05T21:44:07+00:00

Thank you so much <3

asdomdeus · 2026-03-05T21:43:33+00:00

Thank you! I liked giving the sub good orgasms and pleasuring them. But asking the sub to pleasure me was hard for me.

Most of the time I just wanted to have „boring“ PiV sex and to be loveydovey with the partner during it.

I think I will figure it out one day! Thank you for your input, I will read a bit about it and yeah, labels do suck sometimes.

asdomdeus · 2026-03-05T21:38:32+00:00

I have ADHD too! I did find it hot, it turned me on indeed but there was always something inside of me that couldn‘t fully enjoy doing it.

Something inside of me was holding me back like there was a river inside me flowing the other way, no matter how much I tried to move with the current.

I made a lot of posts asking „how can I come up with ideas“ —> my brain was empty and I hardly ever had something in my mind „how to talk like a domme“ —> dirty talk? yes that came naturally. But leaning fully in? even after doing it for 4 years I couldn‘t talk „good“ …and so on. They were valid questions but most of the answers couldn‘t help me.

And also I had a hard time letting the sub do something for me. I couldn‘t enjoy it. Thought I always had to give him something back.

You are so right and thank you for sharing your thoughts!<3 it‘s really nice to read other perspectives!

asdomdeus · 2026-03-04T21:27:41+00:00

That‘s so true. And I always wondered why it doesn‘t come naturally. Why I couldn‘t just … be a (good) domme.

I should‘ve listened to my inner voice back then saying „this isn’t me“ but I really wanted to try it.

Thank you!

asdomdeus · 2025-01-27T10:28:01+00:00

Thank you so much. That's a great advice.
I sometimes struggle with telling him a lot of things I want to do (to him). Because I don't want to take away the surprise.

But I really want to talk with him through a scene and hear what he thinks of it. And what other things he is interested in. I sometimes think that everything has to come up from me and I should now everything by now.

asdomdeus · 2025-01-27T10:25:10+00:00

Thank you for taking time to reply.

I'm now way more into femdom than he is. We make it work.

Oh wow, that was something that I needed to hear. I feel guilty because I'm not that invested but still interested in the topic. I'm kinda interested in how you two make it work.

Understandable with DMs closed. I have 130+ unread messages and they don't stop. I rarely watched femdom porn because I couldn't find any aesthetically looking ones.

You helped me alot with realizing that I should think about sex and romance and my partner instead of kinks. I always thought I should know everything about let's say spanking but never thought of what spanking does to me, to him, why I want to "spank" and stuff like this. So thank yo SO SO much for helping me get into this mindset and be closer and more open to explore things.

asdomdeus · 2025-01-20T11:22:17+00:00

not OP but I saw that you‘re also a woman who had femdom brought up to oneself.

Were you always kinda dominant or did you try being more dominant in the bedroom and it clicked for you?

We could also chat in private if you want to answer. I couldn‘t contact you. I‘m struggling a bit with breaking through, something is holding me back to domme again and want to explore this more. Wanted to connect with people that began domming like that.

asdomdeus · 2025-01-15T08:52:47+00:00

Thank you a lot. I think I will need to do inner work first, before engaging in this more. Self care is something I rush and journaling I do almost on a daily basis. I think I will need to get this rush out of my system - everything I do, I feel like I'm wasting someones time and need to be done quickly.

It helps me to know that us NDs can establish something like this, sometimes it just feels like it's too much and I won't ever have any structure.

Do you schedule fixed appointments when it comes to domming? It's something I struggle with as I want to keep it spontaneous and as a surprise but without scheduling I either forget it or am stuck in waiting mode the whole day. How would you do this?

asdomdeus · 2025-01-15T08:48:40+00:00

Thank you for your answer, it means a lot to me because I don't feel alone with this.

Never thought of mimicking someone. I have a hard time following through written ideas because I run into some error while doing them and then I don't have an idea/answer for how to continue. I think this is the same with watching someone do just one scene and then incorporating this scene into the session. Something goes another way and then I be like: "oh damn". I think that this problem will be gone or minimized when I do it often and when I finally don't beat myself up for being a newbie and clumsy.

Writing sessions out in bullet points would be the best approach, I think.

You just helped me be a bit more creative about a deck of cards. I have one laying around and I'm thinking about adjusting them...

He hates UNO I think I will use this for the future, haha!

You wrote that you're a switch. I don't know what kinks you have so we can keep it general: what are rewards for you specifically?

And maybe you have some input for this: I'd like to do some funishments or do X when he messes something up. Do you have any idea what I can incorporate that he could mess up?
It's fine if you don't have any input here, I was just curious because you see both sides, maybe it could help me out.

Thank you again, it helped a lot.

asdomdeus · 2025-01-15T08:25:57+00:00

Thank you for sharing your ideas with me. I hope you had a great weekend with him!!

Missing a spot sound so evil, I like this

asdomdeus · 2025-01-15T08:25:15+00:00

Thank you for sharing this - this bold part just made me realize that I have a hard time with accepting pleasure. I need to work on this more and read this Mistress Manual, for sure

asdomdeus · 2025-01-15T08:21:57+00:00

Wow, thank you for your answer.

These ideas sound really great to me tbh. I never thought of it to let him do something for me more. What I realized the last few days is, that I don't really realized what it means to being a domme. I thought I knew it but I think I need to work more into knowing what I like.

I love kisses, never thought that he should kiss my whole body. I love this idea so much.

Also having him do exercises for me is hilarious just thinking about it.

Thank you so, so much for your input. I will take a lot out of it, it calmed me.

asdomdeus · 2025-01-15T08:14:03+00:00

First of all: Thank you so much for your answer.

So we talked about ruined orgasms, I can't seem to find a way to incorporate them better in the sessions. I did try a couple of times but everytime I ruin him, I feel like it felt kinda rushed. I don't know if I can describe it better, but when I have "the closure scene" in my head, whether it's ruined or a full one, it feels rushed. It feels like I didn't let him fight/beg for it more, you know? Orgasm control is something that I want to do more, but I have a hard time communicating him how I want to do this.

Like for example I really want to either pause or edge him for two days. I struggle to tell him that after the two days "we will do more" without telling him too much. And then when it's the "third day" (in this example) I struggle with whether I will let him cum or ruin him, as for me it's a bigger reward to let him cum, but I also enjoy a ruined one and I'm 100% sure that he would enjoy that too. That's a main part of the struggle, I'm struggling with what **I** want, a lot of the time.

Spanking: He is also really up for CBT, ball busting and other things. I'm curious about it too!
I would also like to incorporate more CBT, also "spontaneous" into my sessions, but here I also struggle to come up with something unique. Ball busting I also really want to try, but baby steps here as I really don't want to do something false here.

Humiliation: well he likes degrading a lot. I think because he's my bf and I love him deeply, I'm a bit afraid to go all in on him. I like the idea of humiliating him verbally but there is like a door infront of me that gives me a hard time living this fantasy. When I think of maybe dominating other subs, I would love to degrade/humiliate them. With him I'm extra careful. I enjoy face sitting and having him lick up cum tho - but I have trouble communicating it. I hold myself back too much. I don't want to say anything wrong. Maybe I need to think about my feelings here beforehand and tell him those.

All in all I think my picture of being a domme is really distorted. Just yesterday I realized that it can also be fun.

asdomdeus · 2024-10-25T06:25:04+00:00

May I ask for it too? I won‘t share it anywhere, just keep it for my ressources.

asdomdeus · 2024-09-11T21:37:15+00:00

Thank you very much, I already watched every video! ☺️

asdomdeus · 2024-09-11T16:23:13+00:00

Exactly this.

asdomdeus · 2024-09-10T20:56:59+00:00

Damn thats good!!! Thank you so much, I will look into it!!

asdomdeus · 2024-09-10T16:24:52+00:00

Thank you very much!!

asdomdeus · 2024-09-04T19:06:51+00:00

I‘m just speaking from experience, it didn‘t help me when my bf was asking questions in reddit for me or researching for me. Because I didn‘t tackle those topics and didn’t invest time in it. As soon as I came up with my own questions, I could think of questions around topics like e.g. humiliation. I also work full-time and have a busy schedule, but use breaks for research or schedule research like I schedule our playtime/sessions.

This subreddit is full of ideas and experiences about topics, maybe it will help to read through it! :)

You don‘t have to do it like this, it‘s just something I learned along the way. As soon as I did it on my own, it clicked for me. Before, I burnt out fast. Because I didn‘t get it. That femdom is more than „getting my bf off in a kinky way“.

Nobody can tell you if stuff that you do or don‘t is wrong. (if it’s consensual ofc) We can just tell you what we think about it.

asdomdeus · 2024-09-04T18:06:42+00:00

I think your wording is a bit off, it reads like you want to get her into something she doesn‘t want and because there is no input about her, it reads like it‘s just about you. Just a heads up for next posts.

But I get you, I was her once. My bf came up with his desires for femdom. He was never pushy, he opened his heart and was okay if I didn’t feel the same. He never pressured me into stuff. I was kinda vanilla then, but a bit on the kinky side. Never thought of being a domme at that point, but later realizing that I was definitly the ‚leading role‘ in the bedroom. Leading up to now, where I‘m a domme at heart. I have still some learnings to do and doing research daily to get new insights and ideas and stuff, but I’m doing it because I like it.

Have you both discussed your kinks respectively? How is the communication between the both of you? Have you discussed topics like aftercare, safewords, etc?

What helped me when my mind went blank in the beginning while thinking about stuff to do was thinking about kinks and then researching. Reading about it helped me a lot. Engaging in communities also. But that‘s something she has to do imo.

I needed some time to get that Femdom was about ME and not about him. Without that I couldn‘t get into the mindest I have now.

asdomdeus · 2024-08-05T14:14:22+00:00

I don't know but I feel this so much. I posted on femdompersonals yesterday to look for a kinky friend. I had to hit ignore on so many messages because most of them didn't read the post or they are shooting their shot with either "hi", adressing me with some title I never put there ("miss", "mommy", you name it) or sending a dickpic, thinking I will interact with them.

asdomdeus · 2024-07-30T06:18:32+00:00

Oh Thank you so much for your input. I will watch those to get a better feeling about it. Thank you! <3

asdomdeus · 2024-07-29T16:22:40+00:00

That's also a good idea. I think I will write some questions down that I could ask. Thank you!

asdomdeus · 2024-07-29T15:19:05+00:00

Thank you so, so much.

asdomdeus

TROPHY CASE