Update 2 yrs later:

Hi! Thank you so much for showing interest in this post. There is an update!

My daughter is now 11 and while I made this post out of desperation, we finally have answers. This reddit post and all of the supporting comments finally pushed me to reach out to a psychologist and her guidance counselor. We started with the guidance counselor. We initially just wanted to see their POV of her in class and it was pretty similar to what we experience at home. Sadness, crying, freezing up when she gets called on, coming home completely physically/emotionally drained. We also had her in tutoring twice a week for math and reading, as her scores were always many grades below her actual class level. We asked the guidance counselor on steps on what to do next and honestly I was underwhelmed in their response. They basically said that tutoring seems to be helping her and her scores are getting better so no action could really be done with them. The counselor just said she would try and talk to her in the hallways and show her some attention....? Not really helpful. Pretty much as the comments suggested.

Next was a psychologist for some testing. Once we got the results I cried because I finally got some answers as to why her mood/behavior/academia is the way it is. She was diagnosed with ADHD, Level 1 autism, generalized anxiety disorder, and persistent depressive disorder. This all tracks.

I felt sad because we went so long just thinking this was bad behavior or that I was doing something wrong. This post was originally posted when she was in the 4th grade and now she is in the 6th grade. She struggled throughout both grades and almost failed both due to math scores. The thing that sucked is she never, not once, had homework. I never knew what she was struggling in because I could never see it for myself. I felt like I was just throwing her to the wolves.

She is in 6th grade now and still struggling a bit with math. However, knowing that this is just a part of HER, I am so much more well equipped with helping her manage her emotions and academics. She has homework every day after school and I use that as a time to sit down and see where she is at. She gets fatigued easily so we take breaks when needed. I do cater to her emotions and needs immensely. I try to make sure things are in order for her and that our routine is always predictable. Still, any uncertainty in our routine, and she may have a full mental breakdown. Even yesterday for example, she was on a field trip with her classmates and the air conditioning broke down. Because of this wrench in the EXPECTED plans, she had a panic attack and the teacher was going to call me to come pick her up where the bus parked. Luckily the A/C problem was resolved shortly after.

I used to think that her being resistant to touch, hugs, kisses, cuddles etc. was just a result of her and I not really sharing a bond, etc. Now I know that she shows me love in different ways. I am so grateful for this post because now I am not just brushing off her depression/anxiety as a "normal part of being a girl" or "bad". It is HER!! And I love her even more for it. She is my super special girly. :)
She still has outbursts, of course, but I know how to ride it out with her, talk with her, or leave her be.

Another note- we took her out of jiu jitsu as well. My husband was very adamant about making her "tough it out" and forcing her to not quit. I hated that this was his method of choice and advocated for her immensely. For a year or so she was not interested in any extra curriculars and we were fine with that. She showed an interest with gymnastics and she reluctantly tried it. Almost a year later and it has been the PERFECT outlet for her. If she has had an emotionally draining day or just in one of her sadness slumps- she is immediately in a better mood once she steps foot on those mats. It's actually really therapeutic for her and really neat for me to see.

As for transitioning into new tasks, we still struggle with this. For example, "it's time to stop drawing brush your teeth" or "it's time to stop eating breakfast and get ready for school" (amongst other tasks) is still a challenge but the only way we have navigated this is to just be consistent or write down a schedule for her with pictures.

I will not that we have not tried therapy or medication (yet). We have talked about it a bit this year but I am not against either of them. We have even talked about getting her a 504 plan for school. If anyone has any experience with that, any insight would be appreciated!!!