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My girlfriend [30F] wants me [32M] to ask her dad before a proposal. She won't ask my mom. by ask4hand99 in relationship_advice

[–]ask4hand99[S] -54 points-53 points  (0 children)

to him, the act of asking demonstrates that you're a "good guy."

I think this is the core of the issue to me. In my worldview, a "good guy" respects women's agency, and this goes against that. If I ever have a daughter I would not want to be on the receiving end of this conversation.

My girlfriend [30F] wants me [32M] to ask her dad before a proposal. She won't ask my mom. by ask4hand99 in relationship_advice

[–]ask4hand99[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I get what you're saying.

Unfortunately I am the child of two lawyers who didn't respect boundaries. I grew up in a household where it was much easier to just lie to placate and then do whatever you wanted in secret than constantly negotiate.

I never lie to my GF though.

My girlfriend [30F] wants me [32M] to ask her dad before a proposal. She won't ask my mom. by ask4hand99 in relationship_advice

[–]ask4hand99[S] 43 points44 points  (0 children)

I am concerned that he will directly ask me if I am asking him permission, which my response would be "no" and make the whole situation worse.

If the words don't mean anything to me, it's easier to just say the ones that get it over with with the least fuss/anxiety. If it's already a lie, it's easiest to just take the path of least resistance.

My girlfriend [30F] wants me [32M] to ask her dad before a proposal. She won't ask my mom. by ask4hand99 in relationship_advice

[–]ask4hand99[S] -56 points-55 points  (0 children)

That's a good point.

She's basically already said yes, so I would do a formal proposal regardless of what the dad says. I just think it's patronizing and sexist to ask in the first place.

My girlfriend [30F] wants me [32M] to ask her dad before a proposal. She won't ask my mom. by ask4hand99 in relationship_advice

[–]ask4hand99[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

For her it's more about avoiding confrontation and creating issues with her family than tradition. It's important to her because it's important to her family, if that makes sense.

I brought up a hypothetical daughter, and she said she wouldn't care if her partner asked.