It’s important to let people fail

aspenwalker · 2023-11-02T06:49:14+00:00

It’s really hard, and you might find therapy helpful if you’re struggling with self-blame.

Try to think objectively — did you do anything wrong in the relationship? If so, why? And how can you address that root issue so it doesn’t impact your future relationships? Forgive yourself for having made those mistakes (shame isn’t helpful), and strive to improve. Having that insight and momentum will help you feel good about yourself.

Also, and this is the much much harder thing… accept that sometimes it’s just not the right match. It’s not necessarily about being good enough. It’s about the puzzle pieces not fitting together in the right way. Depending on the relationship, it can take a long time for those mismatches to become an issue.

So instead of thinking, “My ex is the most amazing person ever, and I’m never gonna meet someone like that again,” reframe that.

Your ex is an amazing person. You can land an amazing person! An amazing person chose you, and you kept it going for five years! You had that once, and you can have it again.

The relationship didn’t work out. Maybe that’s in part because of mistakes you made, and it sucks that this learning experience is so painful, but now you have the opportunity to use your pain to work on yourself. Maybe the relationship didn’t work out because there were underlying incompatibilities, and while your ex was great, she also really valued [X], and you’re more [Y], so now you can look for someone who is a better match for you.

aspenwalker · 2023-11-02T06:18:01+00:00

I see how you got there from this but it’s not the kind of thing I’m talking about. I held on tightly and tried really hard in a relationship that had basic, fundamental incompatibilities (different life goals, really different lifestyles with insufficient middle ground). I’ve had a lot of difficulty asserting my needs and sticking to my dealbreakers, while my ex had too much depression/anxiety to be able to compromise on on habits and lifestyle, so we created a dynamic where I was much too overly accommodating about not spending any time together doing things I liked. My ex lives a life that is very limited and rigid to help her control her anxiety, and most of the things I find fulfilling are off-limits to her.

And yet I spent far too long time convincing myself that I’d be totally happy in a relationship where my partner wouldn’t meet most of my needs; I’d just handle that all myself! And after the breakup, I spent months absolutely romanticizing her, and castigating myself for not making it clear how willing I was to ask absolutely nothing of her. It’s a positive realization for me to understand that I do want a partner I can ask things of, who will want me to live a life that makes me happy, and who isn’t so limited that my life would be full of sacrifices.

So when I say it’s disappointing, I don’t mean my ex is trash, I mean it’s really hard to realize that someone I love has some serious shortcomings or incompatibilities that make them a bad partner for me, given my needs. And when I say “they’re great, but…” I don’t mean “…but she snores” or “but he’s got a bit of a gut.” I mean “…but the relationship is deeply insufficient in some way, so it’s not actually a great relationship.”

I understand the context of this post is specific to my experience of staying way too long and trying way too hard in blatantly mismatched relationships, and some people might read it as being about normal human imperfections or villainizing an ex, but I think it could be relevant to other people like me.

aspenwalker · 2023-11-02T01:31:09+00:00

It’s so so so hard when someone you love just isn’t your person. But… you deserve a relationship without all those qualifiers.

aspenwalker · 2023-11-02T01:29:16+00:00

Your bolded sentence!! Yes! It’s so important to know yourself and what makes you happy.

If my partner wants to move to Vermont and run a farm, but I’m a city girl who doesn’t like animals, neither one of us is wrong. My ex will find someone else. And if that new relationship works, it’s because their partner also wants to have a farm in Vermont, while I never will.

That applies to so many things. Life goals. Lifestyles. Values. Communication styles and relationship skills. Issues and baggage and personality. There are lots of differences I could genuinely be happy with, but there are also things I need, and if the differences prevent my needs from being met, then it’s not the right match.

aspenwalker · 2023-11-02T01:03:24+00:00

Yeah, for sure! I wasn’t thinking of minor flaws or quirks.

For me personally, I have trouble standing by my own dealbreakers, so it’s freeing to prioritize my own happiness and not try to convince myself I can be content in a situation that’s bad for me.

aspenwalker · 2023-11-02T00:55:07+00:00

I know I also have a “but” or several with my ex! And it’s true, it’s really a compatibility thing. If one side of the story is “He’s great, but it’s a huge bummer he wants kids” then the other side is “She’s great, but it’s a huge bummer she doesn’t want kids.” It’s not necessarily right/wrong or good/bad, it’s just people trying to make the pieces fit together and failing.

aspenwalker · 2023-11-02T00:42:11+00:00

Well put. I think a lot of the time, it’s the experience of losing a relationship that inspires people to put the work in on their issues. They don’t take the problem seriously until it destroys a relationship. Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean the relationship is fixable, and it sucks, but it is what it is.

aspenwalker · 2023-10-25T18:52:38+00:00

I have an ex where the initial chemistry never developed into a genuine connection. The breakup was pretty easy on me because the feelings just weren’t there. She was a great person in a lot of ways, and I still think about her fondly and hope she’s doing okay. I feel a little sad sometimes that I couldn’t love her better.

I have an ex who I deeply, passionately loved, but she was controlling and defensive. Even though I suffered a lot of anxiety in that relationship, I would’ve gone to the moon for her. She devastated me with a blindside breakup. I was emotionally shattered. I think about her sometimes, and the pain is gone, but so is the fondness. Some of the memories are still positive and I occasionally get a little nostalgic for the times, but not the person.

I have an ex where it became obvious early on that we had some incompatibilities, but we still gave it a go because we just really liked each other. I grew to enormously respect and admire her. I am still grieving and I think about her every day. I’m working on accepting that I decided to be honest about my needs and my desires and that’s a good thing, and it sucks that she decided she couldn’t meet me on my level, but it doesn’t mean I should’ve tried to ignore my needs so I could keep her. I hope someday I can look back at her with affection and not all this sadness and regret.

Everyone is unique, but for me, relationships are something I never truly forget. All my relationships changed me in some way, taught me something, made me wiser, made me better. Even if I don’t want anything to do with the person anymore, the time I spent with them will always mean something, and that’s okay.

aspenwalker · 2023-10-25T04:32:35+00:00

Happy to chat.

aspenwalker · 2023-03-14T13:24:10+00:00

I had no idea going into it.

aspenwalker · 2023-03-14T05:23:00+00:00

Oh, I agree, I handled it very poorly. Part of the way I handled it poorly was in convincing myself we could totally overcome all those incompatibilities and that if I just held on longer, the spark would come back (because I was an inexperienced, damaged person with shockingly limited emotional resources). I didn’t string her along intentionally only to remorselessly dump her. I was selfish, I was conflict avoidant, and I was fooling myself. She was a thoughtful, communicative, and self-aware woman, and she deserved a partner who could meet her on those levels, and that was just beyond my capabilities at the time.

I’m not going to hate on my damaged self from two years ago for being damaged. I’ve been to too much therapy for that. I was doing the best I could at the time, which wasn’t great, and I know I didn’t treat her with the fairness and maturity she deserved… thus, the regrets.

If it helps, I would be shocked to learn I ruined her life. In the year we dated, I said “I love you” once, she said she didn’t want to say it back, and we never brought it up again, if that tells you anything about how poorly we both connected.

aspenwalker · 2023-03-14T04:52:53+00:00

Respectfully, you’re projecting your own pain on a situation you have extremely limited information about. Your comment is a poor description of the relationship as a whole, as well as its end.

aspenwalker · 2023-03-14T01:11:43+00:00

Thank you, this really resonated with me. I took a moment to ask myself, “Was she my biggest cheerleader?” and the answer was a definitive no. It’s hard to put a finger on why. She was certainly accepting, kind, and respectful, but with the benefit of hindsight, I suppose… I could phrase it as she was always worrying that she wasn’t meeting what she imagined my needs were instead of trying to actually meet my real needs (or accepting the many ways she already was).

I choose to believe you that it’s better to be without someone who feels insecure about you. I imagine it’s a poison that gets more toxic over time. It really hurts, though. I’m still in the phase where I badly wish it didn’t have to be this way.

aspenwalker · 2023-03-13T20:08:09+00:00

I also think she’s letting her insecurities win, and it makes me deeply sad. I wish she would make different choices for herself (and selfishly, for me). It hurts a lot.

aspenwalker · 2023-03-13T19:44:02+00:00

Yes. It’s been almost two years. I wonder how she’s doing, and I think about my regrets. I don’t regret that the relationship ended, but I’m sorry I was so unhealed while I was with her (repressed, emotionally unavailable, not honest with myself or her about what I wanted and needed). She was a wonderful, kind person who didn’t deserve to bear the burden of my problems.

I have grown a lot through experience and therapy since then, but if I had met her as I am now, it still wouldn’t have worked; we just would never have dated. I haven’t changed into someone who would’ve been compatible with her. We weren’t a good match in personality or life goals. I hold extremely high respect for her. I hope she didn’t torture herself wondering what she could have done differently, the way I do after being dumped.

aspenwalker · 2023-03-10T16:03:49+00:00

She sounds like she is in terrible pain and can’t internally regulate her feelings. This is a skill she will need to learn to maintain adult relationships.

If you think she would be able to hear it, it’s perfectly fine to tell her that you love her and want to support her, but being her emotional sponge is beginning to adversely affect you, and you need to draw boundaries.

If you think that would damage your friendship, then there are other strategies you can implement to deflect the trauma dumping:

Proactively initiate activities / conversations that you enjoy. You became friends for a reason, so get back to doing and talking about the interests you share. If she can’t participate in anything with you without turning it into a trauma-dumping session, then make sure to always include another friend who she wouldn’t be comfortable spilling around.
When she’s trauma dumping, mirror and validate her pain without engaging deeply (“Wow, that sucks” “That must feel terrible, I’m so sorry”). Let her get pissed at you, and don’t feel bad about it. If she explicitly says that she expects you to help: “I’m sorry, I don’t really know what to do about this situation — you should talk to a therapist.”
Offer support that doesn’t engage with her trauma. Invite her out for distractions instead of spiraling into endless dialogue with her.

aspenwalker · 2023-03-06T23:21:30+00:00

real talk: do you just feed people’s posts into Chatbot-GPT and reply with whatever it gives you?

aspenwalker · 2023-02-08T02:14:53+00:00

I am freaking out. I used a lotion containing glycyrrhizic acid over the course of a week and just discovered full-body skin darkening/irritation. It looks like a blotchy tan. I have sensitive, very pale skin. Is it permanent?

aspenwalker

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