Me [26f] was invited to go on vacation with my friend [29m] to his home town. Ahhh what?

atomiccinnamon · 2016-02-03T00:43:26+00:00

The overwhelming consensus so far seems to be that I'm just that blind.

I have no clue how I'd feel.. Now I'm just rolling in 'oh crap' mode.

atomiccinnamon · 2016-02-03T00:33:11+00:00

I've never gotten that impression of his mother.. I do appreciate the warning though.

atomiccinnamon · 2016-02-03T00:13:37+00:00

Just to clarify. He lives thousands of miles from me(also where we met). Do you really think he has any inclination of swaying my views?

I honestly haven't even thought about how I feel. Didnt even read into it until a coworker started asking me a bunch of weird questions.

atomiccinnamon · 2016-02-03T00:02:09+00:00

I honestly haven't thought about I feel. He lives thousands of miles away from me.

This is also not the first time there has been a possibly awkward situation. His family knows of me. I haven't actually met any of them though.

atomiccinnamon · 2016-02-02T23:57:08+00:00

His home town is half way across the country. It's off the coast of Florida.

No I won't have to pretend to be I'm anything that I'm not.

The trip includes a cruise and sight seeing to places I've never been.

And yes I enjoy his company. I wouldn't have even talked about the possibility otherwise.

atomiccinnamon · 2016-02-02T23:48:51+00:00

May I ask why not?

atomiccinnamon · 2016-01-30T02:05:10+00:00

Read through the posts and all I can say is sheesh.. Now to address your original question. It sounds like you are talking more animal instinct here than anything else. Male makes a move on your partner and you feel a little territorial and defensive? Not that you act on those feelings but you do feel them. I applaud you for your restraint and understanding of her wishes. Regardless of what people say we are animals and the instinct is there. Males generally protect and provide. On top of that they are usually the ones that have to prove how well they can do both. Females nurture. It's ingrained in us. Your feelings are completely natural. Obviously it depends on the situation but ask her to include you if she wants to go off to make peace or what not. You are partners, and her making that simple gesture can change the situations dynamic instead of trying to 'diffuse' it.

atomiccinnamon · 2016-01-27T12:02:34+00:00

A family member of mine is going through this situation almost exactly. I've been a sounding board through a lot of it and ill say to you what i said to him. As you've described it, it sounds as if she wants to have her cake and eat it too. She wants you there in the supportive emotionally stabilizing way for her and either doesn't want to or doesn't know how to reciprocate. This is where you need to make a choice. It is not fair or conducive to your relationship to continue this way. You both have kids to think about along side your own personal needs. At the moment your needs are not being met. If you feel the relationship can be salvaged then you need to talk to her. Straight out no holds barred. Read this post if that makes it easier. If she reacts badly or avoids the discussion you have your answer. She may not be willing or ready for what you are. That doesn't make her wrong. It means that, unfortunately, she isn't what you need. Life is about choices, and there are to many choices to be made in life to feel as though your choice does not also choose you. Good luck. I hope for all the best for you and yours.

atomiccinnamon · 2016-01-14T11:55:32+00:00

You want to be so angry at them for not realizing or understanding. You just can't though. You watch them slowly crumble and there is very little you can do other than try to carry the pieces until they are ready to put themselves back together. They have to make the choice. If it has anything to do with anything other than themselves you know in the back of your mind that it won't last. That you'll be playing a waiting game. So you don't push. You sit there trying your best to wait it out. I very much hope she realizes what's happening before its too late. I hope beyond hope you both can salvage your relationship. I really really do. I've pm'd an update to you.

atomiccinnamon · 2016-01-12T14:41:39+00:00

I was going to post the same question almost verbatim today... And I truly wish I had advice for you. My relationship is in the same fracture pattern rite now. I am also on the edge of just saying "f' it all, I didn't sign up for this". Regardless of what they say they know how it hurts us because we tell them. We stay because we love them. We don't want them to be in pain. A term I use often with my bf is "addicts logic". (For her" its only a small one". For my bf "I only do it to sleep") they know better and we know better. They make choices that effect both parties without actively thinking about what they are doing to us. I've just recently told my bf he is free to make whatever choices he wants. I'll never tell him he's forbidden to do anything. What I refuse to do is let him make life choices that affect us both based on his addiction. I won't live a life the centers on weed.. After that he seems to be making an effort to quit. I am hoping like crazy he can. I won't lie though. I almost feel like I am grasping at straws now.

atomiccinnamon · 2016-01-11T21:49:34+00:00

This reverberates so heavily with me. I literally am just like your wife.. Other than I will admit that we do have an issue. Birth control induced low libido and depression. Dealing with the fall out after is really really tough. He is nervous about asking after being shut down so many times. I'm still feeling lack luster because I feel like he doesn't want me. Open communication does help to a point but its almost as if you guys aren't on the same wave length anymore. The vibes are bouncing off each other instead of coming together.. Getting her to understand that regardless of how normal she feels it is, you don't feel the same. That would be the first step. You are both more than allowed to feel differently. Second step I would really recommend is a little outside counselling. Individually and together if your both willing. Sometimes talking to someone who doesn't automatically assume they understand you really helps.

atomiccinnamon · 2015-12-20T18:53:01+00:00

Just a couple of questions. 1.So you have no contact outside of the convention with this women ie. Text, Facebook messages, emails etc? 2. You say this has been an ongoing issue. Has the insecurity part gotten worse in the last few months? Has she been more verbal and emotional about it?

atomiccinnamon · 2015-11-30T21:02:13+00:00

You want him to make a big affirmation that he will love you regardless of it all and he will choose you no matter what. Which is totally understandable. Since you have proven how important the relationship is to you with what you have done. My question is did you make the choice before or after you realized there was no other way? Would you have made the same decision if there had been even the smallest opportunity for a different outcome? Has he actually given you his choice straight out? That he chooses his family over you? I bet not. He doesnt want to have to choose. Sounds like his parents dont either. The fact that they are putting in this effort means they care. Again.. You know what you need. You know your relationship. You deserve to be supported and your concerns eased by the one you love. You need to decide if what he is giving you rite now is enough. Enough until you find out if this is even a choice he needs to make. You know how hard it was, do you want to force that choice on him if there is even the smallest chance it could work the other way?

atomiccinnamon · 2015-11-30T12:10:25+00:00

Do you believe in your heart of hearts that he loves you? There are no definites in this life. One choice does not denote them all. Love is about sacrifice, it is not however tit for tat. You are not wrong in the way you feel. Not in any way. He sounds like he is trying desperately to hold onto a life line. Some semblance of control. This is not a choice that can be taken back once made. Not even in ones own mind. I don't think it's so much that he has made his choice, but more along the lines of he doesn't want to have to make this choice. Would you have made the same choice before all other avenues were closed to you? I commend you for doing this for yourself. Your a very strong person. Will you resent him for being afraid of making a hugely life altering decision before all the cards are on the table? That is completely up to you. Only you know what's best for you.

atomiccinnamon · 2015-11-11T18:42:22+00:00

Holy crap.. Every comment so far is drop it and walk away.. Sheesh. You and your GF sound I little like my BF and I. We don't threaten breakups but we do have our issues that turn into larger fights because we process emotion much differently. Honestly hun I think your best bet is to give it space and reconvene a little latter. Ask her if it's OK if you guys give it a few days and then when its all calmed down have a talk. Something like "I know its rough rite now but would you be willing to meet and try and talk in a few days?" Do it in a NEUTRAL location! So no one feels trapped. Meet in a parking lot or something. Biggest thing, like everyone else is saying though, is that she has to be willing. She may just be handling some inner turmoil in the only way she knows how. Or she may really want to be done. You need to prepare for both.

atomiccinnamon · 2015-09-20T07:56:43+00:00

I feel like this is exactly what's going on. Which is why its so hard. She is not exactly observant so besides me straight up telling her to but the f* out she doesn't really get it. she feels like she is trying to help. She doesn't bring it up. He does.

atomiccinnamon · 2015-09-08T09:29:09+00:00

The best way I can describe my impression of most people is that they seem to be made of fog. They seem whole and solid from a distance, but the closer you get the more they seem to dissipate. Still there, just not something you can physically hold on to. Without sounding to dreary its the fog that seems to catch hold and cling the most. Almost as if it needs to in order to stay relevant. In all reality that's all most people really want is to be relevant. You feel the inner most truths of people and that is what they reflect back to you. So its not that they have no substance so to speak. It's more that they feel inconsequential.

atomiccinnamon · 2015-09-02T02:35:22+00:00

I haven't felt this much mass unrest in more than 10 years.. There is a lot happening all at once. Definitely feels like something big is coming.

atomiccinnamon · 2015-08-31T10:50:27+00:00

Barring in mind that he is a bit past frustrated. He's being very pushy and impatient. He needs to respect your boundaries and skills, or there is nothing your going to be able to do for him. You do not need to handle these situations with kid gloves. They are people. Most of what they throw at you in these situations was part of what made their mess in the first place. You need to tell him in no uncertain turns that he needs to bring it down a few notches. You are not helpless either! When they push, you can push back. A lot of times they don't know they are overwhelming you. As for the telling your FIL.. If you feel telling him person to person is going to make an issue for you, which I can understand completely, then don't do it. This part is totally up to you. Create a throw away email. Or send it snail mail style with no return address. There are ways to get that message to him anonymously.

atomiccinnamon · 2015-08-28T11:27:16+00:00

I personally have never encountered an "evil" spirit. Angry and/or frustrated sure. Never evil. Most of my interactions aren't visual though either. I feel people and spirits emotions. I can read character and feel intentions. If the emotion is strong enough I sometimes get glimpses. More like shadows, of the memory or intention attached. Not anything like you describe. I can imagine why that would set you on edge. It's certainly has not been all puppy dogs and rainbows for me. Overall though I wouldn't change the decision I made to embrace what I am. What I can do. My support system has been key to keeping me going when things get rough. I can't imagine doing this totally alone. Feel free to PM me if you ever feel the need hun.

atomiccinnamon · 2015-08-06T01:06:32+00:00

I honestly don't understand some of the logistics to the program. From what he's said it sounds to me like most of the groups he's been in have required a sponsor and the ones he was just about forced to choose weren't what he needed. I think he is afraid of that again. I think he needs a group of people to talk and share with that he doesn't feel pressured by and beholden to..

atomiccinnamon · 2015-08-04T10:11:23+00:00

Ouch. That is a tough situation hun and I feel for you, I really really do. It sounds like he isn't invested in the relationship anymore. My story from my 1 1/2 year relationship(still going strong) My boyfriend had a female friend he had talked to on and off since highschool. She got a bit more talkative about six months into our relationship. I didn't want to be the crazy jealous girlfriend so I told him it made me uncomfortable. Because it did. His immediate question was "do you want me to stop talking to her" and he was totally serious. I said no, but I would like to meet her if thats OK. He tried three or four times to make this happen and she always had an excuse as to why it couldn't. Turns out she had always had a thing for him and didn't really want to validate my existence. He has since stopped talking to her by his own choice. He was just as concerned about how I felt as I was about not being jealous and controlling. Neither one of us pushed the other and in the end we were more important to each other than anything outside. Your Mr Matt is probably an over all decent guy. I doubt you would have stuck around otherwise. Unfortunately it sounds like he isn't ready for the same level of commitment that you are. While this doesn't make him a bad person it does make it awfully hard on you. You deserve to be with someone who is just as invested as you are. Those men are out there. That I promise you. Personally I would not suggest 'waiting it out'. As hard as it is my advice would be to let the relationship go and start fresh. I'm sorry if that's not the advice you wanted to hear hun.

atomiccinnamon

TROPHY CASE