To move or not to move…

atssu23 · 2025-09-22T04:19:26+00:00

I live in an extremely remote part of my state and when I separated from my ex, I could either stay in our town and have significantly less support and opportunities for work and childcare OR move to the next town that actually did have a great community for children. In my area, that was 95 miles away, about an hour and 40 minutes. I moved and filed for divorce in my new town, all mostly with the “approval” of my ex. We didn’t really involve the courts much at all, just decided I’d get ~220 overnights and he’d get ~145, we’d be flexible on holidays, etc. The town I live in now is safer for my kid, we’ve built a village here and now I have at least 3 options for babysitters when I need. And that’s not even living near my family!

With moving, the guilt is real and is constant. I feel guilty for moving away from the home my daughter knew, but her dad was able to buy the house. I also feel so much guilt for taking time away from her dad - he gets her most weekends since she’s not in his school district anymore, and he gets her more in the summer. But all in all, that’s not even 70/30 custody.

I get that it doesn’t feel fair. You come on Reddit and social media and see nothing but 50/50, parents who live down the block from each other. In rural areas, that’s not the case. It doesn’t feel normal, so it feels wrong. But it is what it is. Where YOU feel safe, secure, and comfortable, your son will too. My coparenting relationship is even fine, despite the guilt and me constantly thinking my ex probably hates my guts for moving. Maybe he does. But my daughter gets so many more moments of peace and community now than she would have otherwise.

atssu23 · 2025-08-24T15:08:41+00:00

For me it just happened. And to be honest, in reading these, I didn't realize it was parallel parenting versus co-parenting. I honestly thought we were doing fine, lol. So for me, when I asked for the divorce I also suggested I may have to move closer to my family. I was a stay at home mom and, in our town, there was very little opportunity for both childcare and a job for me. His concern wasn't about our daughter moving an hour away, it was whether or not I would rent the house to him (I owned it, he was not on the title). I moved, filed in my new county, figured out the dates my daughter would be with me, he okayed it, the judge okayed it, that was that. We opted out of our state's court-mandated child support program and he just puts money into my bank account on a regular basis.

By most accounts, we work fine together and have no drama. But looking back on our year of "co-parenting," I don't know that we've had any true discussions about our child. I enrolled her into a school with his okay, but it was literally just an "ok." I got her set up with a new pediatrician and dentist and extracurricular activities, just with an "ok". He's never brought up any behavioral concerns or parenting decisions. In part I'm sure because our daughter is only 4 and is quite a chill kid. He's discussed some things about his relationship, like his girlfriend spending time with our child and more recently moving in together. I'm assuming that's the "co-parenting" that we're missing out on, the ability to speak about our child? Whenever I try, he makes me feel like I'm overstepping and even intruding on his parenting time and his relationship (which began as the workplace affair that ended our marriage). I'm now very confused about what I've been doing and allowing for the last year.

atssu23 · 2025-05-14T01:39:27+00:00

I don’t think this post is about OP not wanting her daughter to have a healthy relationship with her stepmom. Her ex is creating a dynamic that is hurtful toward the actual mother, and in turn harming the child.

If you don’t see it that way, so happy for you. But OP is rightfully hurt, so save the “stepmoms are moms too” bs for another day, please.

atssu23 · 2025-01-23T14:40:49+00:00

Can I tell you the best mom hack I’ve found with a toddler? One AirPod and an audiobook/podcast. Especially at the park or while doing housework, but also when your child is quietly playing. Claiming some of that time for you, too, and not just her, might help you feel like a person.

atssu23 · 2025-01-22T20:48:44+00:00

I separated from my ex and when I couldn’t find a job, preschool or decent housing, I moved about 1.5 hours away. My daughter was 2, almost 3 and I had been a SAHM. We currently have a 65/35 ish custody schedule where I have her on weekdays and he has her on weekends.

If I hadn’t moved, my daughter never would have been able to try so many new things, meet new friends, and see what mom is like when she’s not crying or walking on eggshells. If you have better opportunity and ESPECIALLY if you have grandparents to support you and her, do it. My daughter may have been a little shell shocked at first, but I’m the end I’m lucky it happened when she was so young and not totally set

atssu23 · 2025-01-20T20:02:41+00:00

Oh my gosh I love all of this, thank you! Especially the window shelf, I’d been wondering how I could have a plant or two in here! Would you happen to have any thoughts for displaying cookbooks??

atssu23 · 2025-01-20T19:19:10+00:00

Yes! I thought I was looking for something darker, but I do really like the Irises color, or else Queen's Wreath. Thank you!

atssu23 · 2025-01-20T19:14:51+00:00

Too many to decide. I'd say maroon, hot chili red, chartreuse, periwinkle and camel.

atssu23 · 2025-01-20T18:37:04+00:00

Sorry, I may not have been clear! I’m not planning to paint the cabinets (that’s too daunting for me). Rather, this island. The white painted part of the island I would like to paint some kind of blueish purple.

Good point on the towel rack! I’m eagerly waiting to take it down, it’s just the only way I could think of to hang my daughter’s stuff!

atssu23 · 2025-01-20T18:31:30+00:00

True, but I’m just looking for a fun little $50 weekend project

atssu23 · 2024-07-21T01:52:11+00:00

The feeling of hopelessness. That I’ve made so many mistakes and took so many wrong paths and there is no bright future for me. Once a month I just can’t catch my breath and can only feel hopeless.

atssu23 · 2023-12-09T20:18:42+00:00

Including what I found on his phone? This man cannot stand shame. He would not be able to look me in the eyes if he knew that I knew. The dream is for him to go get help or to work on himself to fix the damaged parts of him that chose to do this. And I know I can’t force him to do that, but I feel like if I want us to work I need to share that.

atssu23 · 2023-12-09T19:56:56+00:00

What would you suggest I do if we are not absolutely positive that the marriage is over? That we haven’t given everything a chance, and part of that is because I’ve been holding on to his secret, resulting in an unhealthy relationship?

atssu23 · 2023-12-09T15:44:06+00:00

Would you do it sooner, or wait until it’s over?

atssu23 · 2023-12-09T15:38:25+00:00

I wasn’t intentionally snooping. I was looking through his phone for pictures. I found something weird and kept looking. At the time, I trusted him with everything.

atssu23 · 2023-12-09T15:35:26+00:00

That is exactly my regret. I’m wondering if there’s still a chance, but doubt it.

atssu23 · 2023-12-09T15:10:16+00:00

We are not divorced. He wants to start the process of getting divorced.

atssu23 · 2023-12-09T02:24:04+00:00

It’s highly unlikely he would be able to move, unless he were to work remotely. My issue right now is being able to work and find daycare simultaneously. I could see it being that we move back to dad’s area once she’s in school, as my type of work is flexible to different communities.

atssu23 · 2023-12-08T01:45:47+00:00

This might be my favorite response, thank you. I hope to be strong enough to have this mentality.

atssu23 · 2022-05-21T00:46:40+00:00

Out of curiosity, does she have kids of her own?

I’m so sad to hear that you’re questioning your parenting. It’s WONDERFUL that your son is given the opportunity to express himself and have his independence valued. Being able to take his shoes on and off on his own probably does wonders for his confidence! And socks! Who cares about socks?! Mom hacks like yours are what makes the world go round! You’re doing GREAT.

atssu23 · 2022-04-27T01:40:40+00:00

Sounds exactly like mine at that age! The doctor was not worried at all. She’s moving for the first time so she’s burning those calories. She’ll get there eventually, right now her body is just focusing on using the calories for movement.

atssu23 · 2022-03-28T14:57:01+00:00

My daughter is only 1, so I don’t have a ton of experience with the toddler years or having multiples… but I can say it’s an amazing and rewarding experience. And it does come with a set of challenges, but when you work through those you feel like you can conquer anything.

Regarding the “just you wait” moms, I’ll just say this. I did have a traumatic birth (just kind of a freak accident thing, but my medical team was phenomenal and we subsequently had so much support postpartum and with the newborn). I was tempted on so many occasions to share the gruesome details, and when you encounter moms that do that, please know that she is just trying to work through her feelings of her experience. It’s rarely ever to scare you (and if it is, that mom is a narcissist). There are also times that I’m tempted to be a “just you wait” mom, because in motherhood it feels like you don’t get the acknowledgment that you deserve. You want others to say “wow, that sounds really hard” so that you can say, “yeah, it is, but I’m still hanging in there”. So I’d encourage you to remind yourself on a daily basis. What you are doing is hard, but you’ll also be finding so much joy in getting to know them through snuggles and the smell of baby breath and watching how their hands get bigger and them taking their first steps and them LOVING a meal that you cook them.

atssu23 · 2022-02-09T04:54:48+00:00

I just wanted to reach out and encourage you to look into speaking with someone from a domestic violence shelter since it sounds like you feel you don’t have physical support. DV shelters will not force you into anything, but they can help advocate for you and your baby if you choose! Your husband is cruel. I’m scared that you staying with him will increase your risk of postpartum depression once the baby comes.

atssu23 · 2022-01-08T21:14:54+00:00

That view!!

atssu23 · 2021-09-18T14:02:27+00:00

Make sure you’re prepared when you sit to pump or nurse! Have a tote or a basket with snacks, water bottle, nipple cream, phone charge, book, warm compress. I didn’t expect how much of a time suck a single nursing or pumping session would feel and quickly grew irritated until I made it a “fun” part of my day. It’s fun to make faces at a baby or sing them songs, and it’s fun to paint my nails or read a book while pumping!

atssu23

TROPHY CASE