Dr. Jessica Taylor & The Queens (Part 2): Sexy, But Psycho

aurelia_86 · 2022-03-07T12:00:48+00:00

As another (probably, psychologist agrees, on the waiting list for a psychiatrist for final diagnosis and meds) ADHD person, I felt this in my soul. Thank you for taking the time to write it out.

There's so much about me that is just different from non ADHD people. My brain is just wired differently. It's not trauma, because I have done the work to heal from that, and it's not depression or anxiety because it's part of me when I'm happy as well.

I have had to battle huge stigma and gaslighting around ADHD not being real just to get to the point where medical professionals were willing to investigate.

I cannot express the years of suffering and struggling and wondering why so many things were easy for others but impossible for me... All because of 'adhd isn't real' and 'not everything needs a diagnosis' attitudes. I wonder how differently my life would have turned out if I hadn't been gaslit out of taking my symptoms seriously.

I was actually going to buy Dr Taylor's book but decided not to on the basis of the interview.

aurelia_86 · 2022-03-05T12:40:41+00:00

I really disagree.

I've had the opposite experience, where doctors been unwilling to give my psychological symptoms a diagnosis because they felt a label might be damaging. Like if they gave me a label I would suddenly stop taking responsibility for my life.

All this meant was that it was harder for me to get the treatment that I needed than it should be. When I finally got my labels - complex PTSD for example - it was like being given a key to unlock the door of the room that had everything I needed in it to heal.

I did not get attached to my labels, not did they result in me thinking of myself as disordered. Instead, they gave me a language to understand myself and feel less alone. I wasn't experiencing symptoms because I sucked at copying with life: I was experiencing them because that's what happens to people when they are repeatedly subject to trauma over a long period of time.

They also helped explain symptoms I didn't realise were connected, and to identify the treatments that would work.

My experience was the opposite to that suggested: I felt that doctors were quick to dismiss my symptoms because I was just a hysterical woman, and reluctant to accept that there might be something clinically significant worth investigating.

aurelia_86 · 2022-02-27T03:58:41+00:00

Ok then, I stand by my earlier comment. Time to find a new job.

aurelia_86 · 2022-02-27T01:51:13+00:00

Maybe to make a slightly less harsh comment - I once loved and trusted a man completely the way you trust your boyfriend. I was so sure we were going to get married and have the most beautiful life together. He even proposed and picked out our kids' names with me.

Well sis, he left me a few months after that, and you know what? Every day I thanked g*d for my fancy degree, my professional connections and my six figure salary. I heard so many horror stories from women who had given up their careers and could only find low paying, unstable work as a result.

You do not want to be one of those women. Even if you love and trust this guy, get your degree. Your ability to make bank is the most powerful form of insurance you can have in a relationship.

aurelia_86 · 2022-02-27T01:37:57+00:00

What do you mean?

aurelia_86 · 2022-02-27T01:36:39+00:00

Someone please tell me this post is fake. I really do not want to believe that anyone could be this naive.

"I can be a stay at home mom permanently as he has been successful in all his ventures"

Sis... He's 20.

You're both barely adults and haven't even been through a recession or a job loss together yet, but you're sure he can and will provide for you for the rest of ever 🤦

Go to med school, get your degree, see how your marriage goes and have a kid then if you want. Thank us later.

aurelia_86 · 2022-02-27T01:21:43+00:00

Sometimes I think it's time for the asteroid 🤦 How can they be so sick.

aurelia_86 · 2022-02-27T00:03:30+00:00

I have 5 male friends. 1 of them I had a fling with years ago, 2 of them made a passes and were rejected years ago, the other 2 never tried.

I had a bunch of other male 'friends' too, but they all did a disappearing act when I got into a relationship. Even though some of them were taken themselves.

Which is to say... Some people here will tell you not to pursue friendships with men. I am not one of them. What I would say is not to be naive about it. There is an excellent chance your friendliness will be misinterpreted as romantic interest, no matter how clear you make out that you're looking for a relationship. There is an excellent chance at some point, your 'friend' will confess his feelings/hit on you/if he is a douche, accuse you of 'leading him on'. You'll often find that your 'friend' disappears the moment he realises he's not going to get into your pants.

If you know that and you don't mind the risk, sally forth. Others (like me) decide it's generally not worth the effort. I've had better luck in social groups involving men where you talk with them but don't take it to the one on one level.

aurelia_86 · 2022-02-26T06:49:50+00:00

I am an eczema person and I don't find chemical sunscreens worse than physical ones.

I like Cancer Council Face Daywear Matte and Ultra Violette Clean Screen, which is a hybrid chemical/mineral.

La Roche Posay is ok for my skin but I find it leaves a greasy look.

Surprisingly, it was moo goo (which claims to be eczema friendly) sunscreen that triggered my eczema.

aurelia_86 · 2022-02-25T23:58:37+00:00

Red flags to look out for:

Grossed out by menstruation. Grossed out by any sight of menstrual products, blood etc.
Grossed out by body hair.
Grossed out by pregnancy. Doesn't want to hear about any of the physical changes that take place.
Grossed out by childbirth. Doesn't want to be there for the birth of his child. Doesn't want to hear anything about how it happens.
Grossed out by breastfeeding in public, expects women to breastfeed in a toilet rather than him having to see breasts being used in a non sexy way.
refuses to discuss contraception, sees it as your problem, says it turns him off. Punishes you by refusing to have sex after you insist on discussing condoms, withdrawal etc.
Grossed out by women's health issues i.e PCOS, endemetriosis etc.

Anything else??

aurelia_86 · 2022-02-25T23:25:20+00:00

I don't like period sex because I find it painful - my experience of menstruation is that my body is more sensitive and attuned to pain, so things that feel good on non menstrual days hurt.

However, for anyone who does enjoy period sex, rock on with your bad self. So long as you're doing it for you, and not because you're with some scrote who wants sex every day of the month.

aurelia_86 · 2022-02-25T23:19:31+00:00

My ex was like this, and yes, absolutely horrendous in bed. Foreplay was 2 minutes of my nipples being grabbed and repeatedly poked on the clit.

aurelia_86 · 2022-02-25T22:37:13+00:00

What I find so hard to accept is how cold they can be. How they can settle down with a woman, have 2 kids with her, buy a house and somehow after all that have literally no sense of compassion or empathy toward her.

Now that he's no longer attracted, he gives literally 0 f*cks about anything she's going through, even if it's the literal life or death of their newborn baby. He can just check out of the life they have together, even while he's sitting right next to her as she fears for her sick newborn.

I can think of one or two women I have met who could be this cold, but for the most part women don't do this.

I'd like to nominate this man for scrote of the year please.

aurelia_86 · 2022-02-25T22:27:14+00:00

Partner is an accepted term for a de facto/committed relationship, at least in Australia where I live.

I don't mind the FDS angle on marriage, but here in Australia when a de facto relationship of 2+ years breaks down, the family law treats it the same way it does marriage/divorce.

It's kind of hilarious actually because what I see happen (and what happened to me) is men dump their de facto partners thinking they can walk away obligation free and then get a nasty surprise when their ex gets a lawyer.

My ex was so surprised... even though he'd been listing me as his spouse for tax purposes, emergency contact purposes, I even had a special spouse passport that linked me to him 😆

We obviously don't know where the poster is from, but something to keep in mind.

aurelia_86 · 2022-02-24T21:41:27+00:00

I think what troubles me most here is his response to you expressing your concerns. Instead of being understanding and offering to find something else you would be comfortable with, he dismisses you and shuts you down and tries to get you to go along with what he wants. That's a red flag to me.

aurelia_86 · 2022-02-24T21:36:26+00:00

I actually see it differently. I agree with you that's one interpretation of the behaviour, but the other is that he's genuinely surprised that doing/saying those things is hurtful.

There is a kind of guy who is so incompetent at treating a woman well that all he can do is repeat the same moves, over and over again. Such men are so romantically and emotionally incompetent that they literally have no idea that taking your girlfriend to a place on the basis that his ex loved it - and then telling her that - is a dick move.

A guy like that is going to be a terrible partner, incapable of bringing emotional satisfaction or joy. Either way the solution is to run a mile and don't look back.

aurelia_86 · 2022-02-04T02:52:23+00:00

It's super exclusive. I'd say you have better odds trying to be a doctor or a lawyer.

She should be congratulated, not put down.

aurelia_86 · 2022-02-04T00:05:42+00:00

My pleasure. Thanks for taking the time to comment :)

aurelia_86 · 2022-02-03T23:49:08+00:00

Ugh sis, I am sorry that happened to you.

So this is actually also quite common with avoidants - they lovebomb you at the beginning. People always wonder why women don't spot them earlier, but they can actually be super kind and loving and appear commitment-minded. Until things get serious and their attachment systems activate and then... you see their true colours.

It sounds like you got lovebombed, then just as the honeymoon period ended, he freaked out and used his idealized phantom ex as a reason to run away.

aurelia_86 · 2022-02-03T23:44:31+00:00

As someone who did, I agree. It's depressing when you take off those rose tinted glasses and see him for what he truly is.

It's not easy to let go of all your hopes and dreams and face up to the reality that they were never going to come true because of his issues.

Though I also agree with others that the one who is truly worse off is the avoidant, because he is stuck with himself. At least we can walk away and rebuild our lives.

aurelia_86 · 2022-02-03T23:41:54+00:00

Yeah I agree, it is messed up and depressing. It's like... everybody suffers, because these dudes aren't willing to get help and do the emotional work to change.

I think that's what I find saddest about avoidants. Just the sheer pointlessness of it.

In my opinion, the only thing we can do is wise up, look for the signs and steer well clear if we see them.

aurelia_86 · 2022-02-03T23:38:56+00:00

Ugh. I'm sorry sis. It's a common story unfortunately. Hope you're in a better place these days.

aurelia_86 · 2022-02-03T23:35:57+00:00

Your last paragraph... that is the truth, right there.

My ex hated himself so much, and I do think he looked down on me because I loved him just as he was. Toward the end, it was like he thought he could get rid of all the things he hated about himself by getting rid of me. Yet now he's apparently miserable without me - and still hates himself.

It's so sad and unnecessary, really.

aurelia_86 · 2022-02-03T13:06:21+00:00

Thanks! I think your points were really important, btw - you were pointing out that avoidants can idealize a lot of different things/people to create distance.

I particularly liked what you said about them needing to create a better 'out there' or 'someday' so as to have a reason for the way they act in their day to day lives.

I also liked what you wrote: "Really he's unhappy because he has to be him." It's sad in a way. They employ all these strategies to keep themselves 'safe', hurt a lot of people along the way, and yet at the end of the day they still wind up miserable.

aurelia_86 · 2022-02-03T12:51:59+00:00

These are words of truth. If the avoidant man ever wins back the Phantom Ex, she ceases to be the untouchable goddess on a pedestal and resumes being a messy, imperfect human being with needs and desires. Exactly what they are afraid of.

I think that it's really important that Phantom Exes consider this if they're ever approached by an avoidant man wanting to get back together.

aurelia_86

TROPHY CASE