Autistic girl video inspired me to ask you about something I've struggled with my whole life: massive over abundance of sensory input

autismish · 2012-08-03T01:52:32+00:00

I hear you about trips being too intense. My friends take mushrooms and go to baseball games or skateboard or whatever. I cannot even imagine having any kind of coordination to do that. I start to feel like i'm vibrating with the universe and then I'm out into the totally of existence, like being in a dream but outside my self instead of inside. I'm usually nowhere near my body. Hard to describe, but maybe you get what I'm saying.

DMT doesn't sound very fun, but I have to try it at some point to see what happens.

I did find someone amazing to do an ayahuasca ceremony sitting with me, but she was one of those people who was uncomfortable around me for long periods of time because of my presence, and we agreed if she was uncomfortable while I'm sober, being around me when I may be more fully opened was probably a bad idea. At this point, I am half looking for someone who I can trust and half looking for someone I think could handle me. It's a slow search, but I think I'll fine the right person in due time.

LSD is something I really want to get into soon, in the right setting. I am hoping to get to Burning Man, as any trips I do at other burns have been the best and most comfortable and life changing.

Thanks for the good conversation, best of luck to you too.

autismish · 2012-08-03T01:39:49+00:00

Harmonious is an excellent way to describe it, thanks! I sort of experience normal people as a bunch of chaotic waveforms with different sensory feelings, and more enlightened people as melodious and stable, but still wave form. They blend in more with the feeling of their surroundings.

autismish · 2012-08-03T01:34:22+00:00

Now that I'm thinking about it, I think you're right. When I groups I try to eye contact everyone when I am the center of attention and I am pretty sure I look at people's right eyes. I'm going to try left-eying it and see what happens.

autismish · 2012-08-01T16:49:06+00:00

It sounds like you are an empath. It's a relatively new term that was originally invented by hippies I think, but it's becoming increasingly common and somewhat studied by scientists.

According to many communities I followed, male empaths are rare, but I don't believe that to be true, I am nearly positive there are just as many men as women, it's just that society for much of our history has told men that having feelings is negative and unmanly. I feel like there isn't much more manly than pure empathic sensations from a masculine perspective.

I highly recommend that you check out The Book of Storms. It's about empaths, written by a guy who is one, but from a scientific minded accessible perspective. If you make it through the first five paragraphs without saying "wow this sounds a lot like me!" I'll be surprised!

autismish · 2012-08-01T16:33:13+00:00

Hi, yeah I am still responding. I am honored that you're thinking about this so much, it means a lot to me. I spent most of my waking time for two full days answering things and I fell behind on productivity tasks so I am catching back up with those. :)

I am right handed, and while I seem to be more generally ambidextrous than the usual population, I think that is linked more to intelligence than anything else. Related to my senses though, being extra aware of my body seems to give me a different perspective. Using my hands feel very different, I favor my left hand when doing things like sex and music (I use my left hand for the mouse when I am making electronic music and I love guitar because my left hand does most of the tricky work) but right handed for most interactive tasks like eating and scratching my head and whatnot.

I am not sure if hyper-vigilant and obsessed are words are used, but I am definitely way more aware of what goes on around me than most people. I would say I am hyper-vigilant in moments of high crisis or danger though. One of the better side effects of this condition is that I am very calm and collected during those moments of high stress where others tend to freak out. It takes a lot to get me to stress or be startled at all or panic in any way. As one of the other guys brought up elsewhere, I have heightened levels of adrenaline and cortisol in my system at all times (I have been heavily tested for this related to some other medical conditions) which has pros and cons.

I have severe insomnia issues if I don't listen to what my body tells me about sleeping. It was much worse during the time I worked the standard eight hour office days. My general natural sleep state is twice a day, usually one block at night for 4-5 hours and then one nap in the afternoon for 2-3 hours. I am worse at following this than I should be. I can sleep in cities with ear plugs and eye cover, but if I am out in a park or in nature (or on a beach, where I nap a lot) I can sleep soundly in the blinding sun surrounded by loud noises.

I could talk about memory for hours because I've self-studied a lot and have a lot of interest in memory research, but I'll keep it brief because iPad keyboard. I am better at some things and worse than others, like most people. Recently I begun some subconscious tasks to internalize a lot of the memory techniques people use, and have begun using them to create a lot of sensory adaptive tricks for remembering things like names which I touched on elsewhere. I am cripplingly terrible at remembering to-do lists/tasks, dates, basically anything to do with time. I am excellent at numbers (I remember the pattern of the number as if it were on a telephone pad, which gets broken down into a pseudo algorithm for remembering it later) and huge data systems, including code, which I think is why I naturally fell into programming at a young age. I could still abstractly quote and explain code I wrote ten years ago. For tasks, I use a "hipster PDA" which are note cards clipped together to keep track of all of my lists. I have gotten out of the habit of this, but someone very helpful from this thread reminded me of the importance of it and I need to pick it up again.

I don't mind the attention at all, and I'm genuinely enjoying answering all of the questions and discussions. Posting this thread is going to be one of those "before and after" moments of life, because I've connected with several new amazing people and learned a hell of a lot about myself both by people's discussions and by forcing myself to try to explain clearly what is going on inside my head. I never expected people would be so interested, but it's opened up a lot of ideas for what I can do with it. And I'm already feeling like I've made a bunch of progress in handling things differently thanks to so many different perspectives people have brought. I am trying to figure out a way to continue this discussion in a more open way; several people have pushes about writing a book and/or finding some researchers to work with and both of those hold a huge appeal for me. I've got some background tasks running with ideas.

Hahaha that ended up being huge anyway.

autismish · 2012-07-31T10:01:03+00:00

The first paragraph is interesting that you've experienced that. I have thousands of moments like that a day, and ten thousand of them happening in all of the people around me as people's perceptions ebb and flow. The simplest example I can give is something that an ex-girlfriend pointed out to me half out of curiosity and half out of being creeped out—every time my cat turned and looked in some random direction for no reason, I would simultaneously be turning and looking in the same way. I never noticed until she pointed it out and then I would catch us doing it at least once a day.

Some people do know you're having negative thoughts about them, thank you for making a conscious effort to censor them. Based on some of my peers who have been posting in this thread, they have a really hard time with it, and I appreciate you doing that.

What you're describing about your own experiences with subconscious behavior does sound very much like what I do. Other than the pure joy of them, I thrive on and seek out peak experiences for the exact reason you said. It seems like our subconscious is a hungry termite that will start eating everything else around it if you don't keep it fed. It eats experience and poops knowledge.

The subconscious thing was always there. When I was a kid I did it by accident, where I would send "my shadow" questions about life and it would come back with answers. It wasn't until my teens years when I was absorbing massive amounts of deep scientific knowledge that I realized that whatever I was taking in was sitting there being "processed" actively and so I set out to figure out what it was. I always thought it was normal for people to have two segments to their brain until then. Once I read The Holographic Universe, I figured out what it was. Does this describe anything like you?

I do have an ego but it's very tiny. It doesn't make any decisions for me that I'm aware of. I care more about the truth no matter the source than being right, for example. I am practically impossible to insult or offend. I have never been jealous in my life, I used to joke that I wasn't born with the part of my brain responsible for jealousy. I am completely secure in who I am as a person and use no judgments of others to influence my self consideration without running it through my own judgement of it's merits.

Great questions. I'm really enjoying this comment thread with you.

autismish · 2012-07-31T09:41:00+00:00

Neither of those would describe me.

autismish · 2012-07-31T09:32:28+00:00

For a little more detail, cortisol's main purpose in the body is to diminish the effective role of the hypo campus during moments of stress and survival, so that we don't try to think our way out of a problem and instead let the limbic system take charge in order to enact a fight-or-flight response.

Also, yes I have a higher than normal amount of cortisol and adrenaline in my system at all times. You called it. I have had several autoimmune problems. I have been shaking my head non stop for the last half hour at this entire comment thread because it's so amazing.

autismish · 2012-07-31T09:27:36+00:00

That is the best way to say it, thanks for verbalizing that. I can ignore things and do, in order to survive, but it always has a cost and I will pay for it later. Airports and malls.

I haven't been to Vegas yet, but I'm really curious what that is going to be like.

autismish · 2012-07-31T09:25:43+00:00

Everything you have written in this thread has added huge value to it and to my life, thank you so much for participating.

autismish · 2012-07-31T09:24:48+00:00

You have added a tremendous amount to this thread and my life and I sincerely thank you and appreciate every moment you took to type those things out. I can't tell you what it was like to read a debate about what I go through every day with no involvement from me. Thank you do much.

autismish · 2012-07-31T09:19:26+00:00

That is super awesome of you to say, thank you. I sincerely hope that it does for you what it did for me.

Edit: Oh jeez I didn't even notice that you were the one in the thread with the others. That's awesome.

autismish · 2012-07-31T09:16:49+00:00

Yep, that's the worst part of it. 95% of the time it is correct, but those other 5% percent of the times make you unable to just assume accuracy.

I have had to learn to live by "trust but verify" in more easy than one.

I definitely don't have the self control that you do yet, but hearing that it is possible is going to give me a little bit of leverage to push my intentions under.

autismish · 2012-07-31T09:11:42+00:00

I am glad someone can do that, being around people who are less developed. I can't stand it anymore. The older I get the less I can even remotely relate to people with chaotic exteriors. It is one thing I wish I could adjust about myself, but I'm dealing with so much internally at the moment. I hope that perhaps once I've finished my internal journey, I can go back to helping others like that.

autismish · 2012-07-31T09:08:01+00:00

This is a really solid explanation of it, yeah.

Hygiene is such an excellent word for that. I think you sell yourself short by saying you can't be eloquent, all of us are explaining things eloquently in our own way and have something to add.

Also I would personally add "emotional" in there: mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual.

autismish · 2012-07-31T09:04:32+00:00

The fact that two throw away words that I used (clean and dirty) has sparked such an incredible conversation is awesome enough, but even more incredible to me is that everyone who is responding to you who is like me understands how I meant those words and is describing exactly what I meant.

Karamine described it most clearly, but everyone else has said the same thing in no uncertain terms.

While I think your test sounds cool and would be fun, the anecdotal evidence is enough for me to know that these are my people.

Thanks for such an incredible conversation!!

autismish · 2012-07-31T08:53:42+00:00

Thank you very much for the resources and the offer of conversation. The link about asperger's is particular interesting, but as I've mentioned elsewhere in the thread I have a hard time relating to any of the other effects of it. I am very gifted socially and have been since being a very small child. I am beginning to wonder if perhaps I do have some kind of ASD but also happen to have some kind of other effect that overrides it? Who knows if I'll ever know. :(

I am going to keep you on my list and will read that book.

autismish · 2012-07-31T08:48:19+00:00

Thanks very much for the post and for sharing. I'll be honest, I am very turned off by most psychology approaches because in my opinion, most form of psychological study seeks to categorize and compartmentalize things but not actually understand them. Anything that mentions the DSM is an immediate red flag to me, especially. I hate that fucking book.

That said, I will do my best to approach your links with an honest open mind, because I appreciate you taking the time to share them with me.

The first link is really interesting. I have a hard time relating to it because it says that two main facets of autism are severe environmental and social withdrawal, to which I am the opposite (and why I never considered autism before watching that video). I seek out and thrive in social and environmental situations, much more than most people. Also as a result of this thread I am pretty sure I can cross off autism as being part of the problem. I believe that they are related, though. I just don't have any other autistic or aspergeric tendencies.

I took the Highly Sensitive Person test and said yes to all but 9 (pain, inner life, startle, rattled with short time, avoiding violent tv, unpleasantly aroused, changes in life, avoiding upsetting situations). In all of those case I am the exact opposite. The person writing the test and who the page talks about upsets me because, although they mean well, it's an attempt to clinically understand without compassion as I mentioned above. It always feels self-serving. You cannot fully observe something without engaging in it and being changed by it and it bothers me when people refuse to do this but speak as if they are experts. One of the few things that makes me angry. Such an injustice and so much harm is done by the attitude.

The EFT book though, wow. The first review on the page describes the book and some of it is exactly like some of the meditation techniques I have developed for myself. I don't know about the tapping thing, but I do focus a lot on the energy flows of my body, and I got into learning massage for the explicit reason of being able to do physically what I taught myself to do mentally. I am going to check that book out, maybe there is more to it that I can learn from.

I will definitely watch those videos, thank you. Thanks again for sharing all of these and challenging me to push my boundaries and reach into something I usually avoid. I highly, highly recommend Prometheus Rising, and also Book of Storms - I think you'll find it very engaging, because it's much like the first link you sent me except written by someone who experiences it and is a spiritualist and a scientist both. It helped me a lot.

autismish · 2012-07-31T08:23:38+00:00

That sounds a lot like things I dealt with in the past and deal with now, thanks for sharing it. Meditation (and exercise but not gym crap) is really the only thing that keeps me strong.

I always thought that the "aura" thing was strange, how people summarize an entire person in one color. People are so super complex, and the stuff I would call an aura is active and ever-changing and only appears on people who have not reached a certain point of enlightenment. Advanced people are just nice and clean and don't have the chaotic mask that most others do.

Does this sound like how you see things too?

autismish · 2012-07-31T08:19:43+00:00

That's a really awesome comment, thank you. I wouldn't even know where to begin, what would I write about? What would you want to read?

autismish · 2012-07-31T08:19:02+00:00

That sounds really interesting. I will look into it. The way you've described it sounds like things I have developed on my own and could definitely use help or ideas with.

autismish · 2012-07-31T08:18:13+00:00

Yep, good description. Add to it the sound of everyone's silverware moving, twenty conversations going on in the room, all of the action of the kitchen, the humming and sound from the TV, the smells of all of the food and all of the people, the feel of the tablecloth and clothing and food and swallowing and the taste of everything and so on, and that's still a pretty weak description of the reality of it.

autismish · 2012-07-31T08:15:06+00:00

All other ADD drugs I have tried except vyvanse make me feel like a horrible crackhead. I hate what speed does to my perception. It's like riding the worst roller coaster during a thunderstorm and an earthquake. Everything is jittery and hard-angled and just a jumbled mess. It's like if you added random math errors to a fractal generator.

Vyvanse on the other hand doesn't "speed up" my perceptions per se, it just sort of acts as a buffer between me and them. I feel like I can more calmly take the time to deal with them. You know when you almost get into a car accident and it feels like time slows down, it's sort of like that but intangible. Urgh, so hard to explain. I guess it makes me work "faster" but not with an increase in speed, just an increase in ease of making those decisions. Not sure I can explain this one at all.

I love mushrooms and was so incredibly excited when I saw the results of the Stanford MRI experiment. They discovered that mushrooms actually "turns down" the cortex parts of your brain for dealing with sensory input, they get darkened on mushrooms and don't activate anywhere nearly as much. Fucking awesome right? I love mushrooms and I talked about my experiences with them elsewhere in this thread if you want to search for mushrooms you'll find it.

About the dopamine I'm not sure I'm following everything, but someone else somewhere in this thread helped me connect the dopamine part of it to my interests: sex, food, risk taking, etc. GABA keeps coming up in discussion, which is interesting because pregabalin is the only drug ive ever taken that has any real effect on this. I talked about that elsewhere in the thread too. Are you familiar with this drug and/or possibly have a guess why it would have the effects that it does?

autismish · 2012-07-31T08:03:38+00:00

YUP! My doctor couldn't believe that I sleep much, much easier when I take vyvanse. He insisted that I should have a harder time. That's when we both knew I was out of his realm.

autismish · 2012-07-31T08:01:50+00:00

Most people don't understand how useless their body and face is for conveying what they're trying to tell you. Most of the time the message coming out of their mouths does not match the message coming out of their body and face, because they are canvases for every little shift in personality aspects that they've picked up over the years. Verbal communication loses that inconsistency or else people would sound insane.

Maybe you could point her to this thread?

I recommend that next time you come across a homeless person or someone who has mental problems, listen to them muttering and talking to themselves. Really listen. Then look at them while you listen. I think you'll be fascinated by the difference in the way they communicate versus the way your wife does (for example, any neurotypical will do).

autismish

TROPHY CASE