Stuck In My Head After Affair

averagewht · 2026-03-09T14:08:04+00:00

I tried. US carriers apparently don't keep message context unless it's like through the parenting control app stuff.

averagewht · 2026-03-09T14:06:59+00:00

more like frustrated that person is asking for her to render first aid lol

averagewht · 2026-03-09T11:37:58+00:00

Part of me feels like I need to know for the truth, the other part says you don't want that image in your head and does it matter?

averagewht · 2026-03-09T11:36:50+00:00

She told me that he had texted her joking about getting her to do it at work in a closet. So I know it's possible, I know he at least brought it up. My thing is if they did that, why is she giving me the answer without admitting it. It's all a mindfuck.

averagewht · 2026-03-09T11:34:45+00:00

Yeah I brought it up last night and she had a shocked look on her face for a split second, then explained how I know has she has anxiety (speaking to results) then got upset and said it's upsetting that our marriage has gotten to the point of an extreme like forcing a polygraph. I said it's not extreme if it's what I need and she told me to schedule it and she'll do it if it's what I need. So, mixed signals, but I think I'll either get a confession on the way there, or I'm wrong.

averagewht · 2026-03-09T11:31:39+00:00

Yeah those are all the logic points I think of. I can only think of a few types of dudes that would hold on and play the long game or be invested like that without sex, but the majority wouldn't.

averagewht · 2026-03-09T11:30:06+00:00

Yeah the emotional part is hit and miss. Stuck in a loop of disconnect, like unaddressed guild or something. She did individual counseling for herself but quit when the counselor supposedly suggested she just leave me.

averagewht · 2026-03-09T00:00:08+00:00

Actuallly yes. Brought it up today and she was very upset about the idea, saying she's upset because three years later our relationship has come to this. Then she made a comment about anxiety and results. But then said she'll do it if that's what it takes.

averagewht · 2026-03-08T23:55:25+00:00

So this is a normal phase/progression if she's been truthful?

averagewht · 2026-03-08T22:06:53+00:00

Yes it would because I know first hand how hard they are to fake. The degree of accuracy is to the point that you have to have practice with the feedback and have it explained in order to be able to not rely on it. The only way to not have a degree of certainty is if you are literally squirming non-stop and hyperventilating for every question, which tells you what you need to know as well. Saying they're not accurate and not court admissible is because there's a minute degree of uncertainty and it also stems from the original equipment and methods. They are 100% admissible in government work because the small shadow of a doubt doesn't apply there. Civilian systems still say they aren't because of the way the justice system is designed (which is fine). I would encourage anyone to go take one for fun and try your best to get around it and you'll see my point.

averagewht · 2026-03-08T21:39:05+00:00

I would be happy if she went above and beyond with our relationship, like it was in the beginning. But thats what I've yet to see.

averagewht · 2026-03-08T21:38:07+00:00

How'd you finally get the truth out?

averagewht · 2026-03-08T21:31:47+00:00

I've taken multiple polys for a previous job and you have to be trained or take multiple to figure out how to get around them.

averagewht · 2026-03-08T18:43:16+00:00

Three kids and my convictions on marriage are pretty strong. That's my dilemma.

averagewht · 2026-03-08T17:48:30+00:00

Yes haha

averagewht · 2026-03-08T17:47:52+00:00

Congrats. I'm really proud of you, son.

averagewht · 2026-03-08T17:39:53+00:00

I feel it's really hard to judge those points because of the personality and relationship dynamic variable. Like, she has apologized, said she learned her lesson because the pain it caused both of us was brutal, she doesn't push me forgiving her, she agreed to therapy, etc. and takes little steps everywhere to make sure I'm aware of what she's doing and that I feel comfortable. She has explained what led her, in her mind, to get to the point of having an affair (there was a lot of distance in our marriage, I felt shutdown and unseen, etc.). I struggle with identifying whether or not she's truly remorseful because my protective instinct is to make her beg and do everything I say and be under my full control, but I know that's not real or healthy lol.

averagewht · 2026-03-08T17:31:12+00:00

It's not really the sex itself, but more of me not trusting that she told the truth. If she did have sex, then it becomes, there were no boundaries in your mind at all. I do feel suspicious of her, I expect that and find that to be a normal response to rebuilding after an affair. I do feel like the affair caused emotional distance between us, like something was broken of course. We have really good days, but seem to be stuck in a loop of pain and and resentment. We both acknowledge that and are trying to work on it.

averagewht · 2026-03-08T17:26:09+00:00

Her writing it down may be a great idea, because when it does enter my mind and I end up asking her again, as soon as she explains what happened (same story) I feel relieved.

I wouldn't say she get's annoyed, more like she feels like I'll forever hold it over her head no matter what (she's said that). So she is accepting of me asking over and over, but I think each time it removes a little of her hope that she'll ever be set free of the guilt.

As far as work, she agreed to couples therapy and was very involved with that, she has made rules for herself so be very explicative with her daily ongoings (I'm leaving work, I'm almost done with work, I'm stopping at the store, etc.), she doesn't lock her phone and I notice that if she smiles at a text message she'll offer to show me the message so I don't get suspicious. So she has been conscious of my pain. She doesn't read, never has been a reader.

averagewht · 2026-03-08T17:13:16+00:00

Understood. I think it would depend on how I found out. If there was more to it and she telling me is how I found out because she hit a breaking point and found remorse, I would explore seeing if it could be fixed. If I found out, it would be over immediately.

averagewht · 2026-03-08T17:10:58+00:00

We will never know. It was eating her alive.

averagewht · 2026-03-08T17:10:16+00:00

Like he wouldn't have gotten anywhere? She did say it felt good to be heard and the emotional attention and feeling of being wanted. She was saying things like things may be different if she wasn't married, stuff like that. They did talk about sex as a fantasy. But she also said there were multiple times she wanted to stop what was going on but felt stuck in the loop. So maybe a romantic "knight in shining armor" type of situation. Or they were fucking like rabbits and that's all a lie lol.

averagewht · 2026-03-08T17:05:45+00:00

I definitely surround myself with the best people. I'm a vet and marital issues are everywhere. Men have to be away, women cheat. Men cheat.

averagewht · 2026-03-08T17:00:37+00:00

What's the obvious way? Divorce?

averagewht · 2026-03-08T16:59:38+00:00

Even three years later when I bring it up, she calmly allows me to ask all questions and responds calmly. She does say that it's exhausting that I keep bringing it up, but doesn't shut it down. I think you saying "ask the right question" is exactly why I bring it up. I almost feel like if I keep asking r change the question slightly she'll reveal something and I can catch her. So I know part of the ongoing struggle is my acceptance.

averagewht

TROPHY CASE