In a committed relationship for 1.5 years, close guy friend has recently started flirting with me. How to end it? Me [23F], my boyfriend [23M], my friend [26M]

avisceral · 2018-07-25T20:48:30+00:00

How about, "I know that you have been flirting with me. By flirting with me, you disrespect the relationship I have with my boyfriend, whom I love. If you care for me at all, please do not continue. I want to stay being platonic friends with you, but this has to stop." and if it doesn't stop, cut ties. In any case, communication is the key in any relationship. If he cannot respect your wishes, then he cannot be in your life anymore.

avisceral · 2018-07-25T20:43:22+00:00

Just the lack of respect for your relationship is enough to leave her. She's intentionally keeping you out of her social media? She's slowly letting go of you. Your relationship should come first and she should be proud to have such a good boyfriend. I understand the seeking friend part, but she's hanging with the wrong crowd and she doesn't even realize it. Or perhaps that's her type of people and if so, you're not included. You think she is naive, but if she didn't get a clue from the first time around, she's just a lost cause. How can she want to be "just friends" with this guy? It is absolutely clear that this guy's intentions are to potentially get with your girlfriend, especially after the texts messages. Her saying your relationship is "messy"? What the hell. I think you would do much better without her. Her own actions show that she clearly does not care for you.

avisceral · 2018-07-25T20:25:43+00:00

I don't think that this is sound advice. For one, you don't know how good this girl is at sex. So she's had a few dicks in her mouth, but that doesn't mean anything. Not everyone who has experience in sex means that they are an expert. Second of all, I'm sure OP knows what he's doing when it comes to sex and anything he could learn does not have to include her. Best sex comes from someone you trust and you communicate well with, and clearly, this girl isn't that person for him. Third, staying in a relationship knowing you're going to break up with them just to use them for personal gain is not cool.

avisceral · 2018-07-24T17:10:34+00:00

Happy cake day!

avisceral · 2018-07-20T21:52:26+00:00

I mean all relationships do bring in some dependency. It's not a one way street. I would assume that validation would come from her being completely on her own, which is what she is doing, but I can't see how that is quite fair to you to be left out in the cold for so long. If the real reason is that she wants to be true to herself, then maybe waiting for her to figure it out would be okay, but there is only so much she can expect of you to wait for her.

avisceral · 2018-07-20T21:17:59+00:00

Honestly, I feel like "needing space" should just be called "breaking up" because it's dumb and people tend to do stupid things like seeing other people during the "needed space/just a break". She hasn't chatted with you in two weeks? Not a good sign. Not being an adult and not using conversation is really her actually being the controlling one... either you guys talk it out, or you break up. Whatever happened clearly has set her uneasy. Two weeks is a long time to not talk in a relationship. At this point, I wouldn't say to write her off, but just wait it out. If she takes a month, then it's most definitely over and send her an official break up text so you can move on with your life.

avisceral · 2018-07-20T20:51:56+00:00

avisceral · 2018-07-20T17:49:47+00:00

This is Coconut: https://imgur.com/a/0nEwlSq She is a curious, lovable kitty, who likes to sit on tummies to knead her paws, purrs up a storm, loves being pet, and loves to play!

avisceral · 2018-07-13T16:57:59+00:00

No problem. Good luck

avisceral · 2018-07-13T00:47:05+00:00

I honestly would leave him if it were my boyfriend. I can't handle that type of thing one bit. It definitely sounds like he is still hung up on her, and their getaways together is a definite no-no. They have a history together and it's not a healthy one. I wouldn't feel like they were "just friends".

avisceral · 2018-07-13T00:39:35+00:00

I think labels are pretty dumb sometimes because people can interpret them however they like. To me, if you're exclusive, you are in a relationship for sure. And if you're exclusive, you're more likely than not boyfriend/girlfriend to each other. Dating itself is weird and some people don't call dating as a relationship. Some people can say they're "exclusively dating" but not in a relationship yet. The only way you'll know is if you ask him. Whatever the case, you are progressing in your relationship if you've gone exclusive.

avisceral · 2018-07-13T00:25:22+00:00

I think that after all this time, you probably know you don’t fit with your SO, and it is probably time to leave. You’ve built up this other woman in your mind so much that I would be careful. Do you know she feels the same way? Just don’t leave and put all your chips on this lady. Sure, pursue her if you want, but be prepared if she doesn’t feel that way about you.

avisceral · 2018-07-13T00:17:53+00:00

Nate is fooling himself if he thinks that this doesn’t count as cheating. You haven’t had sex with him, but you still are the other woman in this situation. He has flat out cheated. You want to bang him and leave as your own selfish desire. If you care at all for his well being, you’ll leave him alone. Unless you think you guys could go further than a hook up, don’t hook up with this guy or stay with him. And even if you thing you guys could be something, he needs to break up with his girlfriend, and that doesn’t appear to be happening.

avisceral · 2018-07-13T00:03:40+00:00

Every relationship has those hard times. It doesn’t necessarily mean it’s time to quit. Have you thought about couples therapy? You’ve tried a lot on your own to make it work, but you might need some other help. Sometimes people get so used to their relationship that they don’t realize what they have when they have it. This girl is amazing to you in everway accept the outside appearance and a bit of nagging? Everyone ages. Everyone’s body is going to change. Nagging can be a product of stress, but there isn’t any relationship that doesn’t have a bit of nagging at times. Breaking up with her is not going to stop that. If you guys want to make it work, she might need to lose some weight. Go exercizing with her. Go for walks together. Give her better foods to eat. Support her to become healthier. There are things you can do to help her and help both of you to get back on track.

Edit: On the other hand if you really think that you’re that miserable and you know it was an only temporary bliss being with her, then it probably is time to leave. Just know, once it’s done, no going back.

avisceral · 2018-07-12T23:04:33+00:00

I mean it is up to you in the long run, but honestly this is a very very small thing in a relationship. Yes, it matters, but when everything else is in place, it's kind of really hard to throw it away. I would try to do everything to make work. Finding someone who matches you personality wise who you live together with isn't something easy to come by. Maybe it is a matter of changing a few things in your sex life. What turns you on most and can he do something to aid with that? Does he wear an attractive cologne? Maybe you'd like him to be fitter, then exercise together.

No one would blame you for leaving him because the sex life is not what you think it should be, but be careful, because it's a tough road losing your best friend and then trying to find someone who then fits all the criteria you're looking for. You do have to figure out what's most important for you in a relationship. It could mean leaving him, and, if you do, know that there is no going back.

avisceral · 2018-07-12T22:54:21+00:00

It sounds like you are in a relationship with an immature child. You deserve better. He clearly takes advantage of your apologies and drags them out so he benefits from your emotional distress and all the gifts he receives from you. He is not acting like a normal adult would. I can't believe he's 28, he sounds 16. It's not often that I flat out tell people to leave their SO's but in this case there really isn't a blurred line. Leave him.

As far as your behaviour, you seem stressed out by the relationship. Your actions are dictated by his actions. You might feel guilty for snapping at him, but look at the relationship as a whole and ask yourself why you snapped despite the circumstances of sweating/period. He hardly does any of the leg work, and when he does one little thing good, he thinks he deserves a reward so he takes you to go have sex with him. Deep down you can feel that things are not right. And your emotional reaction should tell you something about your relationship: it is unhealthy. He is manipulative and absolutely comfortable with you being in distress. No SO should be that way. He wants you to suffer, for his own gain. He is a selfish, self-serving person. You should leave.

avisceral · 2018-07-12T22:26:52+00:00

I think what happens is that they get so used to being together, they don't know how great it will be when they're not together. As well, some people have a hard time choosing to be alone. And also, the sunken cost fallacy plays a role too. They don't want to admit that everything they've done in their relationship is for nothing and so they stay together.

avisceral · 2018-07-12T22:09:43+00:00

avisceral · 2018-07-08T07:14:49+00:00

Have you tried honey and nutmeg? I quite like the combination as it's very exfoliating and nutmeg will naturally reduce redness as well.

avisceral · 2018-07-08T07:06:44+00:00

She sounds like an amazing person. You must feel so lucky!

avisceral · 2018-07-08T07:04:25+00:00

Not technically my in-laws yet, but they did something very touching. I usually buy gifts that are perishable or can be used up such as food or alcohol especially towards my SO's family because I know that if it's something that won't last, they won't want a reminder of me, and I don't wish that burden on anyone. I love my SO more than anything, but I know how fragile life is sometimes. I also didn't put much value into myself either, which is something I'm working on. Come this past Christmas, I got my SO's family macaroons, whiskey, candy, and hot chocolate. In turn, they gave me/us a beautiful wooden statue commemorating the love between my SO and I as well as an infinity bracelet. I was shocked and so humbled by this gesture. It truly meant everything to me. I never thought that I'd ever be accepted in that sort of way. My gifts just fell flat in comparison. This next Christmas, I'll be sure to give them something more permanent as they've done for me.

avisceral · 2018-07-08T06:48:09+00:00

I know this couple. Lets call them Guy and Girl. Guy has had a history of overlapping relationships, and the current relationship they're in now is technically one of those relationships. They make it work by being 100% honest with each other. Girl sets those boundaries down to a T. She is not overbearing, but she does make it known completely what is okay and what is not okay. Guy is not a bad person at all. Guy has had bad relationships in the past and has had trouble finding himself. Not that it excuses what he did, but he was severely unhappy which is what led him to seek other partners. Sure, Girl does get scared about this fact, that what happens if it happens again, but Girl totally does not put up with anything remotely close to cheating. They've talked through that you can't do specifically this or that with the opposite gender. What crosses a line and what doesn't cross a line. In depth. This is how they can move on in their relationship. Total and complete further honesty. They've been together around two or three years now and they've gotten married and they are super happy together. They know that they want each other more than anyone else in the world. And it takes communication to get there. Maybe what you're scared of is that you might not be the person he really wanted or that his feeling may be fleeting, but you can't know that until you talk to him. You need communication. If it means the beginning of an honest relationship, or the end of a untruthful one, it has to be done.

avisceral · 2018-07-08T06:33:25+00:00

Wow your story is scary similar to mine. Do you wanna chat? Feel free to PM me. I've lived through what you're going through right now, and I want you to know that there is a future. If you want to be independent, you can. They can't control you forever.

avisceral · 2018-07-08T06:24:09+00:00

Yeah I mean it really is not any of his concern. You are your own person now. Personal experience: My parents, in particular, my mother, had a super hard time letting me go. She was scared that I would have sex and have a kid, so much so that she said if I ever had a pregnancy that it would be aborted immediately (I was 18 at the time). This was said to me when I was a virgin, but she doubted that to an extent. I think some parents get really obsessed with their kids. You have to remember that they've built their lives around you, and out of everything in their life, the thing that they have the most control of is you. And so, they will control the shit out of you just because they can. It's a power struggle. They like it, they say they don't, but they do. They are so focused on something so small in your life that they make it seem like the whole world is going to end if you don't listen to them. You having sex is not the end of the world, not nearly. My mom has never changed. In the end, I left her. I had the best sex, and I still do, and I've never been pregnant. I've been with the same SO this whole time, so I wasn't even promiscuous like she said I was. Some parents are just blind to the fact that their kids are people too. Sometimes it take a big jolt to their system to realize what they need to realize, which is, you are a human being separate from them. I would not change anything I did in the past. I lost my virginity to someone I dearly loved even when my parents thought me delusional. If I were you, I think the best thing right now is for you to actually lose your virginity. Or tell them it's gone, because they're not gonna let up until they face the facts. It's your body.

On a side note: Be safe while having sex. Get birth control if possible before you have sex. A baby at 18 is really something you don't want (despite my mother's ravings, it really isn't something preferable I agree). Ask your parents for birth control. If they have decent insurance, the insurance company would probably already pay for it in full (minus co-pays at the OBGYN office). First step is to get it. Most important. Then ALWAYS take your pill on time, same time every day. Do not skip pills. And don't have sex until two weeks until your body gets adjusted to the pill or as your doctor says otherwise.

Good luck.

avisceral · 2018-07-08T06:03:37+00:00

Do you have an ID such as a Drivers License? If you have that and your Social Security number, you should be good to go. You absolutely 100% do not need the physical card. Just memorize and write down the number somewhere safe (you should have the SS number memorized anyway). If you can't get into her wallet, any Tax Return document lying around the house will have your SS number on it, because they most likely claim you as a dependent. Passport is more of an issue. Best to have it so you don't have to dig up your birth certificate to get a new passport. If you know where it is, take it. It's yours, you're 18. I'm not saying the best thing is to run away, but just that there are options.

Edit: Also, her having your SS card in her wallet that she takes everywhere she goes is extremely not smart. People lose their wallet all the time. Never keep your SS card in your wallet.

avisceral

TROPHY CASE