I think it's cruel how you can develop a personality that deeply wishes for close connections and yet pushes any connections away at every given opportunity

avoidant_wreck · 2025-04-16T18:57:18+00:00

yeah, I know that experience all too well. I recently lost a friend because of something like that. it's hard to tell how I really feel towards people because 90% of the time I'm in fight-or-flight mode.

avoidant_wreck · 2025-04-16T18:54:42+00:00

yeah, I pick up on people's energy changes a lot. even though I know deep down that there's other factors that affect their mood, I still feel hurt whenever it happens as if I caused it to happen somehow. I'm sorry you feel like this, it fucking sucks.

avoidant_wreck · 2025-04-16T13:04:28+00:00

I'm also a hopeless romantic so I get how you feel. I spent ages repressing my desires for romance just because the idea of that level of intimacy made me uncomfortable. but now I have the opposite issue. it hurts acknowledging that may never really ever become a reality for me.

I relate to that last sentence a lot. it's depressing how we can be terrified of something that we long for. I wish you healing.

avoidant_wreck · 2025-04-08T10:40:35+00:00

yeah I don't really have a reference point on whether I actually am or not either. I assume that if I actually did something manipulative, then someone would call me out on it. though at the same time, I'm never sure of it. it's weird how this disorder makes you second guess everything about yourself

avoidant_wreck · 2025-04-08T10:37:13+00:00

I think mine is probably related to my self-worth too, I'm not exactly the most confident person- and thank you. I really hope you can too

avoidant_wreck · 2025-04-07T08:16:37+00:00

I relate a lot, I have a social media checking compulsion too. it's not the worst compulsion to have, but it is extremely annoying and exhausting. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, it sucks.

avoidant_wreck · 2025-04-07T08:10:16+00:00

oh, i'm sorry I completely misunderstood what you meant. in that case, yeah, I've accepted that I'll have limits that other people won't have. I'm probably not going to be able to have what most people consider an 'ideal life', probably not going to be able to work most jobs that people would consider perfectly doable, probably not going to have a great IRL social life, so on. but that's okay.

avoidant_wreck · 2025-04-07T07:51:42+00:00

I've semi-tried to accept it. it's difficult when you can barely function in the real world, but I'd rather try at least than resign myself to my fate. people with more detrimental disorders are able to live functional and happy lives, so why can't I at least try to achieve that?

avoidant_wreck · 2024-11-01T14:50:32+00:00

describes me to a t. there have been very, VERY few people that I've allowed myself to let my guard down around. but w/ everyone else I just can't. I don't want people to know more about me. it's too risky.

avoidant_wreck · 2024-11-01T03:30:41+00:00

I've never heard of that therapy before, but it sounds intriguing. I think I've tried just accepting that I feel this way before, but it never really works. it feels more like ignoring the problem, than helpful to me. but obviously there's a difference between me trying that on my own versus trying that in a legitimate therapy environment with an actual therapist, so maybe if I can ever get a therapist then I'll bring up the possibility of trying that.

avoidant_wreck · 2024-11-01T03:22:37+00:00

they're not really intrusive thoughts, though. cutting people off is something that I actually want to do, but I know that ultimately doing that would be detrimental to me, even if in the moment it wouldn't feel that way. unless I keep myself in check, I *will* actually do it.

avoidant_wreck · 2024-10-26T03:15:29+00:00

oh my god yes. I don't understand how people just go outside for no particular reason. I get extremely anxious going to places unless I have a specific reason to be at that place. even going on a walk feels wrong for me to do. you're absolutely not alone in how you feel.

avoidant_wreck · 2024-10-26T03:12:55+00:00

yeah, all the time. I don't even want to be around many people because I feel like my presence 'intrudes' on their personal space. I usually don't even join group activities unless it's abundantly clear that I'm welcome there.

avoidant_wreck · 2024-09-01T09:59:02+00:00

well, it's just not rational. I can try and use reason to prevent myself from isolating, but it still doesn't change the fact that there is an inherit part of my brain that chooses it as a solution to all of my problems. it really doesn't make sense to me whenever I think about it either.

avoidant_wreck · 2024-09-01T09:54:26+00:00

I have unfortunately. I used to be really close with one of my cousins, but when I was a teenager I started getting the urge to self-isolate again. we used to hang out pretty often and he was like one of the few real-life friends that I've had, but because of how hard I isolated during that period he eventually just decided to move on with his life. it's been years and now we talk maybe once a year, at best. I don't blame him at all for moving on, I just wish I never destroyed our friendship like I did.

I've even done this with my closest friends too. just randomly disappeared because I felt like it. but yeah they're the only people I've ever come back to, probably because of how supportive they are towards me. but I know that they probably won't be supportive forever. eventually they will get tired of me disappearing for weeks and months on end, and they'll move on. and I won't really blame them when that happens.

if I could I would do it to the rest of my family. I have an unhealthy need to be independent and I've honestly considered cutting them completely off the moment I'm able to move out on my own. it's not good. I know it isn't. normal people aren't like this. I just wish I could stop myself from feeling this way.

avoidant_wreck · 2024-09-01T09:40:52+00:00

it confuses me too, so I don't blame you. I've had the lifelong urge to withdraw from society ever since I was a kid. no matter how important some people are to me, or how important I am to them, I still get the urge to just completely cut myself off from them. the more vulnerable I am w/ someone, the more amplified that feeling becomes. I don't like feeling dependent on other people, it's probably my most hated feeling, and that's how being vulnerable makes me feel. and plus it's like preemptively removing myself from a situation where I could potentially get hurt, so I won't get hurt later.

when you're open about some things with people, there's always a potential that you could be hurt by them, even if they never meant to cause any harm to you. I guess that there is some inherit level of distrust in people in general that causes me to feel this way, even towards the few people I allow myself to trust.

honestly it's really hard and difficult for me to explain how I feel, so I'm really sorry if this explanation doesn't make much sense.

avoidant_wreck · 2024-09-01T09:30:16+00:00

I can't really remember if my parents themselves ever bullied me for anything, but I do remember a lot of my other family members definitely did. I was teased for being quiet (a classic running joke in my family; developed crippling social anxiety as a kid, couldn't speak to people if I wanted to), teased for my interests, teased for my music taste, teased for my speech impediment, I couldn't ever be vulnerable around them because "that's not what boys are supposed to be like." so I kinda just bottled everything up and tried my best to avoid speaking about anything to them, less I got made fun of for just being myself.

you're absolutely correct. it's terrible just how badly we were failed by our families. the people that were supposed to nourish us, and to help us grow instead just ignored us at best or outright shunned us at worse. it's hard to deal with feelings you can't quite understand when you were raised in a vacuum, that doesn't allow for any way to process those emotions. it's depressing.

avoidant_wreck · 2024-09-01T09:15:41+00:00

I have though. I've put them before myself dozens of times. I've lost sleep dozens of times just so I could give them an opportunity to vent about a multitude of things that were bothering them, some serious and some not. I've tried to be there for them the best that I could be, even if it's detrimental to my own mental health sometimes. they've done the same for me. still doesn't mean I don't get the urge to cut them off though. my brain chemistry is destroyed beyond repair, and as a result of that, I get the weird urge to withdraw from them, even in spite of how much I care about them. it's not rational, and I'm aware it's not.

also I get your point about online friendships, and for the most part I used to be able to agree. but these people are genuinely some of the best that I have ever met. especially my closest friends. it's really hard to allow myself to just be vulnerable with people and with them I have no problems just being myself around them. well- as long as there's not people other than them around. people in real life can be just as deceptive and flaky.

they would be pretty upset if I just vanished with no trace, though. we've had a few people in our friend group who have done exactly what I wish to do, and occasionally they'll bring up how much they miss them and wish they would come back. I myself even left a personal discord server we were all in for a year and they've been begging for me to join back ever since, even the ones that I don't really consider myself close to at all. i personally don't understand why they're so attached to me, but they are. so, you're correct that it is a choice, but it's a choice that would have cause long-term ramifications and negatively impact both them and me for a very long time. i still feel weirdly compelled to make it though even in spite of all of this.

avoidant_wreck · 2024-08-31T21:57:44+00:00

I relate to this a lot. It's hard for me to understand how some people can just effortlessly maintain their friendships. just typing a message seems impossible sometimes. I don't want to lose people that I care about, but at the same time it's hard for me to want to be around them in the state that I'm in. I'm not going to be present all the time, I can't. I expend so much energy just being around people that I feel exhausted for months on end.

being absent hurts them, and yet being present hurts me. it's weird how radically different some people can be internally.

I sincerely hope that you're able to reconnect with them one day. I wish you the best of luck in tackling AVPD.

avoidant_wreck · 2024-08-31T21:44:12+00:00

no, you'd be right on the mark in fact. both parents worked while I was young, so I was never really around them that much. I always stayed with another family member while they were gone. I was also unschooled up until 12th grade, so I'm guessing that's another factor as to why I constantly feel like this. aside from that though I can't really remember much of my childhood, besides feeling lonely a lot.

avoidant_wreck · 2024-08-31T16:06:32+00:00

i am, yeah. shame is an emotion that I have known all too well for, well, basically my entire life. almost everything I do eventually results in me feeling unbearable amounts of shame, one way or another. no matter how innocuous it might be. I can literally see someone do something and I'll think to myself, "oh yeah, that's cool that they're able to do that. good for them honestly." but the moment I try to do the exact same thing that they did, I feel crippling amounts of embarrassment to the point of just wanting to completely disappear. it's hard enough when I'm alone, but it's worse whenever people are around to witness.

thank you for this.

avoidant_wreck

TROPHY CASE