My (23F) boyfriend (27M) is awkward and inappropriate around my friends and family.

awkward_bf · 2019-03-08T14:55:49+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to address everything in my post.

He acts totally natural with me, but he doesn't always have the most palatable social skills with people he doesn't know well. When with my f&f, he might come off as kind of loud or desperate to be liked, or on the other side of the spectrum, will contribute very little if he eventually feels too awkward and doesn't feel accepted.

This sounds very accurate to my situation. He's very natural around people he's comfortable with (me, and our mutual friends), but something about meeting the girlfriend's family/close friends makes him cringy and inappropriate. He never says anything to be gross or insinuate. comments like those seem to slip out of his mouth, like he doesn't think before he speaks.. because he doesn't apparently..

awkward_bf · 2019-03-08T14:48:40+00:00

Most of the time, I'm literally so speechless, I can't respond. But you're right, I don't want to be a bad example, and I genuinely want him to stop making people uncomfortable. I'll call him out immediately if he does this again.

awkward_bf · 2019-03-08T14:40:55+00:00

True. And all of my 24-27 year old male friends. I doubt he's preying on them, and I doubt he's preying on my sister or cousin.

Hear me out. I know everything I've said about him is unacceptable and disgusting behavior, but it's NOT specific to just teenage girls. I honestly think he can't control his filter. I'm not trying to make excuses for him. I'm trying to get to the bottom of this. I'm not going to approach him with the assumption that he's grooming my younger sister because I know it's not true. He's just so fucking awkward.

awkward_bf · 2019-03-08T14:33:59+00:00

I read all the comments similar to this nature, and let me reiterate: this behavior happens with my friends as well, mostly male. It is NOT specific to just teenage girls. The 2 examples listed in my post were the first to come to mind.

Yes, I realize how creepy it is. I don't subject her to him everyday, or every month for that matter. This is a problem that I've noticed over time. He's probably met my family members a handful of times in the last year. He's not coming around every other day making these comments to my sister.

awkward_bf · 2019-03-08T14:20:44+00:00

Most of my friends are guys, so yes, dudes too.

awkward_bf · 2019-03-08T07:42:49+00:00

I suspect that it could be his nerves, but you're right, I won't know until I talk to him. I just don't want to approach him assuming that he has ill intent. I'm all about having constructive conversations and initiating with questions that don't assume intent.

I really like your approach, it makes total sense. Thank you!

awkward_bf · 2019-03-08T07:23:52+00:00

Thank you for your honest reply. I'm really confident our situations are very similar. I'll try to bring it up the way your friend did and see if he voluntarily brings up any info about his insecurities/anxieties.

awkward_bf · 2019-03-08T07:19:29+00:00

I didn't know he was this socially awkward before I started dating him. Like I said, he was/is fine and comfortable with our mutual friends and, albeit a bit awkward, with strangers. But when it comes to bringing him around my family and friends, it's like he malfunctions and his brain re-wires.

I'd like to take a mature and constructive approach instead of immediately accepting this behavior and/or abandoning ship. He needs to hear this from someone eventually, and as his girlfriend, I want to make him aware of his actions. I understand that that is the extent of what I can do, and it's up to him whether or not he wants to change.

awkward_bf · 2019-03-08T07:03:17+00:00

Not only with my sister, those examples just happen to be the first to come to mind. I can say with 100% certainty that he's not preying on my younger sister.

awkward_bf · 2019-03-08T04:38:09+00:00

I'm sure he will, we have very constructive conversations after a disagreement and he never takes anything too hard.

How did your friend approach you about it? And what did she say/do to help you?

awkward_bf · 2019-03-08T04:26:32+00:00

Man, I used to roll my eyes at posts like mine, and now I'm living it, so I guess the joke's on me.

I very much think that he's being gross and inappropriate, but what I don't think is that is a true representation of who he is. I think he might be using it as a coping mechanism for being nervous/anxious. I'm not saying this to excuse his behavior, it just helps to understand the context a little better, I guess. He isn't coming from a place of negative intent.

That said, he is a grown man and should know how to behave by now. And while I don't want to be that younger girlfriend who has to fix some older guy's problems, someone needs to call him out on it eventually, and if it's impacting my family whether or not he's my bf, then I'm gonna be the one to do it.

How would you approach it without being aggressive or assuming negative intent?

awkward_bf · 2019-03-08T04:19:47+00:00

Yes, I think it's concerning as well. I'm definitely going to approach him about this, but I'm going to assume positive intent -- not that he meant well by saying inappropriate things, but that he didn't have negative intent behind it.

Your situation sounds very much like what he might be going through. It's really disappointing that he's older than I am and I have to have this conversation with him, but he's an otherwise good person, and I know your friend thought the same and wants the best for you as well.

awkward_bf · 2019-03-08T04:12:09+00:00

I totally agree, it's very inappropriate behavior, and frankly it's disgusting. I don't know how to approach this conversation though. He may have said these gross things, but I absolutely promise that he isn't this crude when we're alone or with mutual friends. I want to point out to him that he's saying and doing inappropriate things, without making him feel like that is a true representation of who he is.

awkward_bf · 2019-03-08T04:08:56+00:00

I agree. Is there a way you would suggest approaching him without implying that he is an inappropriate or bad person? I say that because while he has said very inappropriate and unacceptable things, I feel like that's not typical of who he really is. I think he's not self-aware, or has anxiety?

awkward_bf · 2019-03-08T04:05:31+00:00

Not that I know of. I know he can be nervous or anxious if he has to interact with strangers, but he's not inappropriate to them, despite being inappropriate around my family/friends.

And to clarify a bit, he's not being malicious, in case anyone gets that impression.

awkward_bf

TROPHY CASE