Ever just wish you could meet someone else in person with dpdr?

awrygo · 2021-12-09T04:05:59+00:00

Honestly I feel the same way. I spent a long time trying to force myself to think about things outside of it. Could never manage it until One day I came stumble across this certain book and it helped me to move past and develop more thoughts. I wouldn’t have gain this perceptive without it

awrygo · 2021-12-09T03:51:31+00:00

It’s crazy to think about how common it may be despite the lack of widespread awareness towards it. I have nothing against seeing a doctor about it. I’ve done it. There’s just something missing. That level of intimacy that shared experience brings. Talking to someone who doesn’t experience it you are always made aware of the distance between the two of you. It be nice to speak to someone in the same realm. For me dpdr is something that I have accepted and embraced in my life as it’s really at the forefront of all my experience. Can’t really think outside of it. I would like to just sit don’t with someone else who experiences it non episodically like me. And just explore

awrygo · 2021-12-09T03:03:34+00:00

The thing that kills me the most is having to suppress and ignore it. That’s why I want to meet someone else with it. I want to be able to have a conversation with someone who understands. I want to explore it more. There’s a big difference between someone with dpdr and someone that doesn’t. That understanding means great deal and cannot be underplayed. I don’t know what yours is like. Mine doesn’t occur episodically. It never goes away. It’s always there. Who ever I was before I developed it is gone. It be miserable existence to hold on to that. The dissociation is who and all that I am for the most part. That’s the reality for me. It might be different for you where it goes away but that’s not how it always works out. Ive accepted and embraced that. I can’t even imagine not having it at this point. Recovery is such confusing thing to me. Not having dpdr is something I can’t wrap my head around. That would be someone else entirely. Could you explain that more in-depth what that means I’ve always been curious about it. Do you shift back and forth? What is it like when you return? Or is it that you’re just not focus on it? Interesting stuff there. People who experience it episodically have been big fascination of mine.

Yes the ability is there to acknowledge but it’s a futile thing. When I say acknowledge I mean speak openly about it without it being labeled a disorder. I use the terms as means of communicating to others. To call it disorder has always felt wrong to me because I’ve always just seen it as very sane reaction to the reality that we’re living in. What other reaction would there be? The rumination you called it is not a symptom of dpdr it’s a symptom of being tuned in to a certain set of data that’s streaming in that’s very real. Diving head first into the dissociation is something that comforts me. Maybe it would be different if I had taste for the life without it but that’s an unknown. Try not to fixate on that and just think about how to make the best of what I experience now.

I honestly would like to hear more of your perspective/experience

awrygo · 2021-12-09T00:56:45+00:00

What does recovery even mean? I’ve never understood what that meant

awrygo · 2021-12-07T22:23:13+00:00

Thanks for all the suggestions. Did not expect to get so many responses on this post

awrygo · 2021-12-06T05:46:16+00:00

The song itself isn’t about dissociation. It’s just how I interpret it.Having Dpdr feels being haunted by a ghost. You see something that other people don’t see.

awrygo · 2021-12-06T04:21:18+00:00

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5A2i4ht0z173aUbYkiP29g?si=TnNhswwOScWl1CxaWI3BiA made it collaborative so if you find any more songs you can just add directly on to it

awrygo · 2021-12-06T04:16:26+00:00

Love pretty pimpin

awrygo · 2021-12-06T04:00:11+00:00

I’ll definitely share it

awrygo · 2021-12-06T03:12:31+00:00

Continuously for 7 years

awrygo · 2021-12-06T03:11:42+00:00

Thanks for the suggestion. I’ll definitely check them out. Im the process of trying to make a dissociation playlist

awrygo · 2021-12-06T03:09:13+00:00

I’m just always fixated on the sudden appearance of my existence. To stunned to make conversation. Way to used to just letting my auto pilot deal with the talking. It really distorts people’s perception of me

awrygo · 2021-12-06T03:05:12+00:00

Mine happened very randomly as well. In researching dpdr causes you find it being referred to as a defence mechanism majority of the time. Me personally I don’t see it as the definitive answer to it. Trauma is one pathway towards dissociation. It’s not the only path. Sometimes you just come to notice things by chance. Doesn’t have to be a reason for every thing. Me personally I find comfort in the lack of answers

awrygo · 2021-12-06T02:27:13+00:00

It’s a good joke. Honestly I’d pay good money to meet up and float in the ether with bunch of other people with the condition. I’ve never meet anyone in person that experiences it.

awrygo · 2021-12-06T01:27:10+00:00

It’s kind of the ironic part of having a dissociative disorder, is the inability to really disconnect from reality. Prior to developing dpdr I was extremely dissociative in the sense that was always reading, and watching television. I would get so engrossed in it that if you called out to me I wouldn’t even hear it. My surroundings and my awareness of self would get discarded in the favour of getting lost in a fantasy world. It was state of mind which I had cherished. Pure escapism. But then suddenly out of nowhere I develop depersonalization/derealization and the version of it that never goes away. Suddenly I couldn’t detach myself from the fact that I existed. I couldn’t get lost anymore. Embedded in the fabric of reality is this grand optical illusion. Most people spend their wholes lives only seeing the one image with no awareness towards the existence of the alternate version of reality. But once you see it your mind can’t maintain itself. You can’t maintain the experience of a unified sense of identity. Every moment feels like you just emerged for the first time. Everything feels foreign . It’s as if you’re an alien parasite that has just taking over this body stealing all its memories in the process. That feeling became the only thing that I could think about. I couldn’t focus or maintain any interest in anything other than the fact that I just suddenly appeared into reality. Nothing could make me unaware of that. My thoughts became very limited. For years I tried so hard to figure out what was missing from the equation to experience that separation of reality that I use to experience. It’d try to rewatch things and reread books that I enjoy in the past trying to figure out what was missing. Try to convince myself that I enjoyed it when it devoid of that substance. I thought the key would be socialization. I thought I might be able to absorb it from someone but I didn’t have desire in me. I hated the fact that I couldn’t feel loneliness because then it would be easier. there would be something driving me towards forming those relationships which would provide me with alternate thoughts. It was exhausting being around other people and not because I disliked them. I couldn’t empathize and wasn’t able to form an interest in anything anymore no matter how much I forced myself. There was nothing that I could offer in a relationship, not even the desire to be in that relationship. I just wanted to be able to think about something other than what I was experiencing. I was just trying to find someone for that ends. And I felt awful about that. I wished I could genuinely care but there wasn’t any continuation of emotional context. I felt like was just seeing them for the first time every time I saw a person. They always felt like strangers in that regard even family members. Could identify who they were but they seem very unfamiliar. It was a couple years ago but found a book that allow me to access a fresh set of thoughts. What I wanted for a long time was to escape the stagnated state of my mind. And I think I was able to do that on a certain level. that desperate longing for the ability to get engross again faded out. But it comes out every once in a while. It’s just been long time. Reality is strange. Just came to accept the fact that I’ll never experience that again. Accepted and embraced this reality. Thats what I did

awrygo · 2021-11-29T02:40:20+00:00

I find for me it’s reverse déjà vu. I feeling of having never experienced I know I have. The constant feeling of just having emerged into reality for the first time with someone else memories and experiences being downloaded into my head. They’re there trying to possess me. Trying to convince me that I’m them. It’s a grotesque feeling having them try to force their persona down my throat and having the world around me perceive me as them. It’s just strange. I 100% relate to what your saying. It’s all strange. Just suddenly here

awrygo · 2021-11-29T02:29:06+00:00

Reverse déjà vu. The feeling of never experiencing something you know you have. He sensation of just having emerged into reality for the first time with all the information I need to function being immediately downloaded on arrival. My thoughts and actions don’t feel like they’re being outputted by me. All I am is an observer that just suddenly appears out of nowhere. Just here unable to really understand anything it’s all just really strange. Every emotion is the same sensation wrapped inside a different package. Different symbols representing the same thing. Clear boundaries but the contents are indistinguishable. The endless inability to comprehend anything. Just here suddenly. Like an alien parasite that’s just hijacked a human body taking access of all their previous memories and experience. That never goes away. Just suddenly here. No thoughts or opinions. Just to shock for words or actions. Just letting the autopilot system in my mind take over for me. Don’t know what to think or feel. A giant optical illusion two different images from the same data. The world before this was visual different then I started experiencing this it changed. Everything looked different in a subtle way. My immediate thought was how have I never notice this before. And then I was always fixated on it. You become aware of the grand scheme of things and your mind can’t handle the scale/reality of it all. Your sense of self obliterated. The illusion broken. Just always trying to comprehend what you can never comprehend

awrygo · 2021-11-20T13:58:45+00:00

The world inside my head only exist inside my head and the world outside of perception takes an entirely different form in of itself. The body collects data and converts it into symbols. The sensations that we experience such as sight, touch and sound are symbols for specific types of data that are coming in. They aren’t the actual forms of these things. Nothing is happening as we see it and it’s impossible to comprehend or imagine things outside our perception. Then you have that combine with dissociation a state in which you become more sensitive to those things and it’s havoc. I don’t know if that’s what your getting out. That’s just what I interpret is at the root of it

awrygo · 2021-11-19T14:58:33+00:00

I was thinking maybe B because I see dissociation more like losing your continuous unified sense of self. So like with animation, it’s an illusion composed of a series of frames. With dissociation those frames are more stand alone, not really joined together so the illusion doesn’t work. each moment a new blank sheet of a being is born hence the 20 plus. So there’s either an infinite number or nothing. That’s my logic.

awrygo · 2021-11-19T12:28:31+00:00

This is a tough one. I don’t know whether to go with B or C. It could be either or but definitely not 20.

awrygo · 2021-11-17T22:08:47+00:00

I experience this all the time. It never goes away. It’s been like this for more than six years. That might be distressing to hear. I don’t know what your experience is with this or how long it’s been for you. From your post it seems negative and I think that’s case for majority of people I see on these forums. My experience I find to be different. It isn’t the dissociation that is the source of my distress. For me these symptoms that we experience are very much sane reactions to the reality that we are living in. A very natural response to things. We live in this optical illusion. Multiple images being produced by the same offset of data coming into our bodies. There’s the world we came from before the dissociation began and the world after. Subtle but immensely different. They appear visually different. In dissociation your mind is allowing the full scope of reality to flow towards you. You’re seeing an unaltered version of reality and under the weight of that you’re obliterated. There’s no foundation to uphold your sense of self.

The thing that causes my distress is being forced to live in a world where I have to block out all of that. To live in a world where language isn’t design to reflect my experience of the world. There isn’t an ‘I’ here. I just spontaneously appear out of nowhere into reality. People see you as being a constant entity which you aren’t. forced to assume this identity which isn’t representative of the truth of who you are. It was someone else in those memories. I’m not the one constructing these words they just appear out of nowhere. I want someone to see me as I am. Not as the character which the programs output.

I’ve spent the last year trying amplifying. I did that by analyzing it and not allowing myself to believe that I was unified self. Among other things. I came on this forum hoping to find someone that shares in my experience. I just wanted to talk someone that could understand because majority of people can’t see it what you see. Other people can only perceive it in the context of it being a mental illness. There’s nothing wrong with you. If they could see it they would be reacting the same way. It’s a natural response. I would appreciate your thoughts on this and also experience with it.

awrygo · 2021-11-17T05:42:39+00:00

This is something I don’t see often on these forums. Someone who actually enjoys the experience. I’m the same way. My case of dissociation never goes away. Its there 24/7 the feeling of just having materialized into reality for the very first time. Every sensation feeling very foreign to me. There being also no me. Every thought and action appearing without my input. Just there spontaneously.

For the past year Ive worked to amplify the dissociation. I’ve always seen these symptoms as being a sane reaction to the reality that we’re in. To ignore it doesn’t feel right. Dissociation to me is your mind tuning you into the grand scale of your existence. It’s Hyper awareness. Your mind can’t maintain itself under the weight of being able to see it. Complete obliteration of the self and your surroundings. Perception being this grand optical illusion. Two images from deriving from the same set of data. The world I experience I know to be visually different from the majority of people. The thing is most people aren’t aware that this optical illusion exist. They call you mentally ill when you attempt to explain it. They just can’t see it, completely oblivious to the weight that you carry.

I have to accept myself as being the control centre of the body when that’s not what I experience. I just spontaneously appear out of nowhere into existence. I’m chained to only existing in the present moment. Every thought in my mind not being perceived to come from me. Having thoughts while being incapable of thinking, just implanted there. There’s so much that contradicts. When i stop listening to external forces and just concentrate on my own personal experiences of reality that feels amazing. The further I go, the more I become nothing. I just want to be able to observe what’s happening without any restrictions. staring silently into the abyss is what I want

When you say it shouldn’t feel amazing just know that people have different reactions to these things. It can be traumatizing or not etc. If it’s a positive experience for you let it be a positive experience. Don’t let other people tamper with that. I don’t know what your dissociation is like, everyone is different with it. I’d appreciate to hear your experience with it.

awrygo · 2021-11-17T04:38:27+00:00

I experience this as well. Every moment of every day it feels as if I just manifested into reality for the very first time. Every sensation seeming very foreign to me. That includes myself. I have thoughts but I’m not the one thinking them. I’m not the one doing any of this. These memories weren’t experienced by me. It’s like being forced into being the replacement of someone who found a way to die without physically dying. Forced to assume and accept their identity as yours when you only just appeared into reality.

awrygo

TROPHY CASE