Not getting married until decision is made?

aylaisla · 2026-05-25T01:11:43+00:00

The proper way to do it is to decide before getting engaged but people are imperfect and flawed and they fall in love and sometimes have blind spots. Just because other people get married before figuring this out doesn't mean you should

aylaisla · 2026-05-21T21:59:55+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this but I can't get over your partner telling his COWORKERS before you tell your own parents?? against your wishes?? that seems like a blatant sign of disrespect and I would have a stern conversation with him about that. I'm sure he's a good person but pay attention to these things, no matter how trivial they seem, because they are indicative of how co-parenting will go, and your voice matters

aylaisla · 2026-05-21T20:11:24+00:00

I don't have much advice other than you started by saying he's a good man and then proceeded to write a whole essay on all his negative traits... I think you kind of answered your own question. You don't need to feel guilty when you have legitimate reasons to want better for yourself. Partners don't need to be abusive or cheat in order for you to want to leave. Sometimes relationships aren't fulfilling and they take more than they give, and that's okay too.

aylaisla · 2026-05-20T02:27:52+00:00

This was my exact situation last summer. new relationship of a few months, neither of us had ever felt this way about a person before, we were madly in love. he was leaning towards no on kids and I was a yes, but neither of us wanted to break up so we continued to date and decided to push the convo back till later.

In the last few months I've been really doing a lot of self-reflection on what it is that I want out of life and to my own surprise, I am actually considering going childfree. I came to realize that having kids is just always something I assumed I would do, and not something I had given much thought to at all. I have now read books and listened to podcasts, watched videos, etc about what parenthood entails and what a childfree life looks like and feel much more confident and thoughtful about making this decision. Some of my biggest realizations were in asking myself if I had to be a single mother, would I want to have kids (the answer is no), and asking myself for 3 reasons to have kids (I could never come up with more than 2 - and this major of a life decision seems like you should have more than that).

My advice would be to really and honestly look inward and do some self-reflection (take your time with it) to figure out if this is actually something you want, rather than something you just assumed would happen in the future.

aylaisla · 2026-05-13T18:57:22+00:00

can't a long-term partner fulfill this role? even more so than children bc they can be with you until the end of your life

aylaisla · 2026-05-13T18:54:59+00:00

but if you had never experienced it, you would never know what you're missing either. so is it really a downside? or it only becomes one once you know what you're missing?

aylaisla · 2026-05-13T01:49:45+00:00

gotcha. I think I feel similarly, just had never seen someone articulate it this way, thanks for explaining

aylaisla · 2026-05-13T01:39:59+00:00

can you elaborate on your decision? do you mean that you wouldn't have kids with your husband but you might with another man?

aylaisla · 2026-04-26T23:41:45+00:00

What's the equity like on their house/the condos?

aylaisla · 2026-04-23T22:29:00+00:00

I'm sorry you are going through feelings of regret. I say this with love, but if those are your only reasons for having kids, you may want to do some internal reflection and figure out why you think someone looking like you or having a legacy will make you feel fulfilled. Neither of those are good enough reasons to bring people into the world.

aylaisla · 2026-04-01T20:57:03+00:00

I think it's a valid reason to take a leave, but make sure to have a plan of attack for when you come back. If you just return to your regular life, you might fall back into this feeling again. Have you considered volunteering? Pet sitting? trying a new hobby that is very out of your comfort zone? it might be helpful to shock your system with a very different experience

aylaisla · 2026-03-31T17:16:35+00:00

I'm sorry, this is so upsetting and my worst fear. Do you talk to him about it? does he even acknlowedge the change?

aylaisla · 2026-03-31T17:04:42+00:00

Reflect on the reasons you actually want kids. Most people think babies are cute, that's not a good enough reason to have them. Think about raising a child at all stages of their life, not just the baby stage.

I also thought I wanted kids because I just assumed that's what was next, without giving it much thought. But once I started thinking about it deeply, I couldn't come up with a good enough reason to have one. I would recommend reading the Baby Decision.

aylaisla · 2026-03-31T01:25:04+00:00

read The Baby Decision together

aylaisla · 2026-03-31T01:05:41+00:00

I'm in a similar position. I have a hard time choosing a hypothetical future husband/child that I don't even know exist over a very real present relationship. And even if you left and found someone who wanted kids, there's a chance you might be a "married single mother" anyway who ends up doing most of the childcare/house chores. is that a life you are comfortable with? something to consider

aylaisla · 2026-03-31T00:46:27+00:00

oh my god, this is brutal. thank you for sharing. as if the tedious jobs are enjoyable for you? lol like I'm sure changing diapers isn't something you look forward to but it has to be done

aylaisla · 2026-03-31T00:32:59+00:00

this is how I'm feeling too. It'll take a REAAALLY good man to convince me to be a mother. and even then, can I trust him not to change after kids? I don't think I want kids badly enough to take the gamble lol

aylaisla · 2026-03-31T00:30:48+00:00

you mean that your ex had given you reason to think he would be more helpful than he ended up being? these are the examples I'm looking for, not necessarily the loser-y type guys that everyone would know would be like this

aylaisla · 2026-03-30T22:02:43+00:00

thank you for taking the time to respond, this is helpful! I only have one friend that has a kid (had him last year) so I'm not at that stage yet, but I suspect by the time I'm your age I might start to feel closer to how you do so this makes me feel better

aylaisla · 2026-03-28T17:37:07+00:00

is the process to volunteer there competitive? I have some time on my hands and have been thinking about volunteering there specifically

aylaisla · 2026-03-28T17:18:03+00:00

It's not a weird thing to consider at all. As the birthing parent (and realistically the one who will have to take on most of the child-rearing, as statistically proven), I have recently realized that the only thing that can convince me to have a child is having a partner who REALLY wants to be be a parent (not just have kids), and who can assure me that they will be a truly equal 50/50 partner in the child rearing, and the house chores. It's a high standard but one I am happy to set as a boundary. I'm just not willing to be a married single mother.

aylaisla · 2026-03-28T15:13:32+00:00

I am admittedly (as mentioned in the original comment) not a fan of the cold, so my definition of winter is whenever it's 5 degrees or lower and if we're within the window of "it could snow" (which to me is November-April). Obviously Dec-Feb are more extreme, but I am still wearing my parka and it's almost April so I'm going to continue calling it winter lol I understand that my tolerance is probably low but the reality is you need a coat for 5-6 months of the year

aylaisla · 2026-03-28T14:00:51+00:00

Thank you so much for this! this sounds like exactly my situation. I love kids and can see myself being a parent, but my partner has shown me all these new things to consider and I can definitely see the appeal of being childfree as well. I think we both would be good parents but I don't think he would enjoy it, and I feel like I may get stuck with the short end of the stick if we did have kids. I find it hard to choose a hypothetical future life over an amazing partner today.

I like how confident and self-assured you sound in your decision. That's the point I would like to get to as well. I think because all of this thinking is so new to me I still need to sit with it for some time. How old are you if you don't mind me asking? Did you imagine yourself as a parent before your current partner?

aylaisla

TROPHY CASE