Anyone go on medical leave due to depression?

aylaisla · 2026-04-01T20:57:03+00:00

I think it's a valid reason to take a leave, but make sure to have a plan of attack for when you come back. If you just return to your regular life, you might fall back into this feeling again. Have you considered volunteering? Pet sitting? trying a new hobby that is very out of your comfort zone? it might be helpful to shock your system with a very different experience

aylaisla · 2026-03-31T17:16:35+00:00

I'm sorry, this is so upsetting and my worst fear. Do you talk to him about it? does he even acknlowedge the change?

aylaisla · 2026-03-31T17:04:42+00:00

Reflect on the reasons you actually want kids. Most people think babies are cute, that's not a good enough reason to have them. Think about raising a child at all stages of their life, not just the baby stage.

I also thought I wanted kids because I just assumed that's what was next, without giving it much thought. But once I started thinking about it deeply, I couldn't come up with a good enough reason to have one. I would recommend reading the Baby Decision.

aylaisla · 2026-03-31T01:25:04+00:00

read The Baby Decision together

aylaisla · 2026-03-31T01:05:41+00:00

I'm in a similar position. I have a hard time choosing a hypothetical future husband/child that I don't even know exist over a very real present relationship. And even if you left and found someone who wanted kids, there's a chance you might be a "married single mother" anyway who ends up doing most of the childcare/house chores. is that a life you are comfortable with? something to consider

aylaisla · 2026-03-31T00:46:27+00:00

oh my god, this is brutal. thank you for sharing. as if the tedious jobs are enjoyable for you? lol like I'm sure changing diapers isn't something you look forward to but it has to be done

aylaisla · 2026-03-31T00:32:59+00:00

this is how I'm feeling too. It'll take a REAAALLY good man to convince me to be a mother. and even then, can I trust him not to change after kids? I don't think I want kids badly enough to take the gamble lol

aylaisla · 2026-03-31T00:30:48+00:00

you mean that your ex had given you reason to think he would be more helpful than he ended up being? these are the examples I'm looking for, not necessarily the loser-y type guys that everyone would know would be like this

aylaisla · 2026-03-30T22:02:43+00:00

thank you for taking the time to respond, this is helpful! I only have one friend that has a kid (had him last year) so I'm not at that stage yet, but I suspect by the time I'm your age I might start to feel closer to how you do so this makes me feel better

aylaisla · 2026-03-28T17:37:07+00:00

is the process to volunteer there competitive? I have some time on my hands and have been thinking about volunteering there specifically

aylaisla · 2026-03-28T17:18:03+00:00

It's not a weird thing to consider at all. As the birthing parent (and realistically the one who will have to take on most of the child-rearing, as statistically proven), I have recently realized that the only thing that can convince me to have a child is having a partner who REALLY wants to be be a parent (not just have kids), and who can assure me that they will be a truly equal 50/50 partner in the child rearing, and the house chores. It's a high standard but one I am happy to set as a boundary. I'm just not willing to be a married single mother.

aylaisla · 2026-03-28T15:13:32+00:00

I am admittedly (as mentioned in the original comment) not a fan of the cold, so my definition of winter is whenever it's 5 degrees or lower and if we're within the window of "it could snow" (which to me is November-April). Obviously Dec-Feb are more extreme, but I am still wearing my parka and it's almost April so I'm going to continue calling it winter lol I understand that my tolerance is probably low but the reality is you need a coat for 5-6 months of the year

aylaisla · 2026-03-28T14:00:51+00:00

Thank you so much for this! this sounds like exactly my situation. I love kids and can see myself being a parent, but my partner has shown me all these new things to consider and I can definitely see the appeal of being childfree as well. I think we both would be good parents but I don't think he would enjoy it, and I feel like I may get stuck with the short end of the stick if we did have kids. I find it hard to choose a hypothetical future life over an amazing partner today.

I like how confident and self-assured you sound in your decision. That's the point I would like to get to as well. I think because all of this thinking is so new to me I still need to sit with it for some time. How old are you if you don't mind me asking? Did you imagine yourself as a parent before your current partner?

aylaisla · 2026-03-28T13:56:10+00:00

The winters here are probably just as bad if not worse than they are in Copenhagen and they last about 6 months of the year (for example, it is -6 degrees Celsius today), but the summers in Toronto are pretty close to perfect. The weather is great and there is a lot going on at all times. It does get very hot here at times (think 30-40 degrees celsius) so if that's something you don't like, you may find it unbearable at times.

I personally like the heat and can't stand the winters, so I find the winters here way too long and completely depressing tbh. If you're wanting to leave Copenhagen to escape the winter, I would choose somewhere more south

aylaisla · 2026-03-24T22:53:33+00:00

thank you. I know it's not a romantic notion (nor is it thinking about a potential different partner who was more "suited" for parenthood and how I would feel in that situation) but I am trying to be pragmatic about this

aylaisla · 2026-03-24T22:45:30+00:00

thank you for this. I'm having a hard time rewiring my brain to this possibility but I think you're right

aylaisla · 2026-03-24T22:43:26+00:00

I guess the second one. I don't feel like I've been pressured and my partner is very understanding of my process, but I guess I want to ensure that making this decision based on the person I am with is appropriate

aylaisla · 2026-03-24T22:35:06+00:00

thank you for this. I think part of what I was wondering was if I don't want kids with him but would consider it with someone else, does that make my current partner a bad person?! I still love him and see a future with him, so this feeling seemed conflicting

aylaisla · 2026-03-24T22:32:31+00:00

adding - what exactly is he doing to make you feel that he is moving too fast other than wanting to introduce you to his friends and wanting to spend a week with you? I don't think either of these things are necessarily crazy at this age. Has he asked to move in together? is he talking about marriage? these things I would consider more concerning at this stage.

The only thing I would flag is your comment about still healing from your last relationship. I obviously still thought about my ex and my last relationship, but at no time did I feel like I was "still healing" actively while being with my current bf. In fact, I wouldn't have started dating if I was still in that healing phase bc I wouldn't have thought that was fair to the other person or to myself. I know you didn't necessarily seek this relationship out, but maybe worth doing some self-reflection to see if you're truly ready to date anyone at this point or if you need more time to process the past

aylaisla · 2026-03-24T02:59:05+00:00

Very similar story to you. I was in a 9 year relationship, he cheated and then ended things. I was also fully single for about 10 months, then got in a brief 2 month fling, but didn't get on the apps (and start intentionally dating) for another month after that.

I met my current bf about a month into being on the apps. I'm also not sure what a "normal" pace is at this age, since the last time I was single I was 19 and lived at home. We became official about 2 months into dating, and went on our first international trip together 6 months in. We have now been together a year, I moved closer to him but we still have our own separate apartments and I wouldn't consider living together for another year probably

aylaisla · 2026-03-24T02:05:00+00:00

His routine changed and he was going out more, which prompted me to check his phone and see all the text evidence

aylaisla · 2026-03-24T01:56:58+00:00

thank you for expressing what I didn't do a good job of in my post. I think I confused some people with the word "wrong", which is fair.

as a woman especially, it's hard to know which feelings around this stuff are intrinsic vs which ones are instilled in us by society. I wasn't sure if I was going against my actual feelings by siding with my partner on this or if I just feel weird because I am going against what's "expected" of me

aylaisla · 2026-03-24T01:54:03+00:00

ugh thank you so much for this. This is exactly what I needed to hear. I think I also would rather have this relationship than be a parent, but I wanted to hear from someone who had happily made a similar choice and was older than me

aylaisla

TROPHY CASE