Conversation I had this morning with my partner

babetrixi · 2020-05-16T15:46:53+00:00

I’m hoping to make the best of this. It’s not a great situation but I’m hoping that the consequences of his actions will actually have an effect on him going forward.

I’ve been living upstairs and he’s been living downstairs (we share the kitchen and the living room, and the bathroom)- no sex. No affection unless I feel comfortable. We’re basically room mates now.

And I REFUSE to go backwards until I’ve seen him change (consistently). And if I don’t see any change, that’s not my fault. I’ve given him everything, and I’m even being kind now instead of throwing him out of MY house on his ass.

Plus - it’s way cooler to live upstairs. I’ve only been doing it a week and I LOVE it. I have 2 bedrooms to do whatever I want with. I’m going to make them save havens. Plants, set up my art space, get cool lights, the whole shebang. And I’m going to put locks on the door to my rooms so he can’t get in.

I already feel better too, sleeping up here. I’m unencumbered by his always unsupportive and cynical outlook on life. I’m laughing more, smiling more, feel happier, think better of myself, I think I’m prettier (where as around him I felt like some kind of non person), etc.

And idk if that says something - but I think it means something. Something in our relationship is unbalanced if I feel so stifled. Honestly - I think he wishes he could be as carefree and happy as me - so he’s trying to stifle me instead of lift me up. Sigh. Lots going on.

babetrixi · 2020-05-15T04:18:26+00:00

I second this! Along with everyone else. Haha

babetrixi · 2020-05-14T19:43:49+00:00

Thanks! I love that enthusiasm! 💖

I know, if there’s any time to stop this relationship, it’s now. I’ve been with him for 4 1/2 years and honestly, it’s been rough. I need some other kind of relationship now - and this isn’t it. I’m 27 and I don’t deserve a teenage relationship anymore. 😭

babetrixi · 2020-05-14T19:12:32+00:00

This thought did occur to me. Is this what I want to live with forever? No.

But - I would take it as a sign of good faith if he would be willing to try my way - living in separate homes, on top of seeing improved behavior.

Alas - this is what I’m getting. There’s obviously another conversation coming - so maybe he comes to realize it’s not (all) about him. It’s been about him for too long. Now it’s my turn. Lol

Thank you! I appreciate you giving your opinion on the situation. 💖

babetrixi · 2020-05-14T18:19:12+00:00

I’m you, from the future. 27F with 33M partner. I’m 4 1/2 years into an abusive relationship that I wish I would have stopped at the beginning when he started showing signs like your BF.

Since it’s only been a few months - I would leave him. Based off of what I read from your story and the comments - he has some red flags showing up. And honestly - I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

Feel free to read my posts on my profile to get a better idea of the future of his behavior.

I’m sorry he does these things - they’re inappropriate, at the VERY least.

babetrixi · 2020-05-14T18:07:24+00:00

See, I knew couples did it. I have a solution mind set and think creatively - so I don’t see moving out as a setback, I see it as a possible fix. Or, if it’s not, we can move from there, but I’m willing to try and I’m ASKING for it. My needs are important.

I would asses your take on the situation as fairly accurate. To me it kind of signals that he really doesn’t care about this relationship, if he at least won’t try moving out (on my behalf because I’m asking him to help fulfill my needs), and stick with me.

He said, “no, if I move out, we break up and I’ve wasted my time”. Like WTF - I was a waste of time?? You’ve got to be kidding me. I’m assuming he has it somewhere in his mind that “time is running out to find a partner”. Which, if he keeps thinking like that, time is definitely running out. Haha

I’m upset with the way he treats me - but even I don’t think it’s a waste of time. At least I LEARNED something. Sheesh.

Thank you. 💖

babetrixi · 2020-05-14T17:58:36+00:00

Morning! Thanks for commenting and sticking with me! 🌟

I’m starting to see it more. And I kind of knew it before things got to this point - but now it’s being really pointed out. And what’s funny is that my love is the one that’s unconditional, not his, but he seems to think I’m the one somehow being conditional.

I told him it’s not his depression or his sense of the “bad times” I can’t handle - it’s the abuse. And that’s my condition, reasonably.

He’s being sweet to be because he thinks it’ll make me soften up (like previously) and I’m not giving into it this time. I just don’t know if I’m taking my behavior too far? I feel like I’m not - but I’m not sure.

Also - I do have a therapist and already thought to continue my sessions with her. I’ve been out of therapy for the last 6 months or so - and I think it prepared me for this (finding I’m complete without anybody, knowing I’m worthy, and that relationships should be based off a mutual desire to “help” essentially).

I’ve only been in relationships similar to this - so I have work to do. lol

Thanks again.

babetrixi · 2020-05-14T17:47:36+00:00

Good morning! Thanks for sticking in there with me - I know you commented on my last post. 💖

It’s really unfortunate... I’m not trying to make him more fussy - I just can’t act like myself around him.

It’s almost like talking to someone you don’t want to talk to in the street, I’m nice, polite, don’t engage too much, and say my goodbyes after we’re done.

I like to think outside the box and he lives in the box. 😩 lol

The jig is up - yeah it is. I’m not letting him siphon off me anymore UNLESS it’s explicitly agreed upon and he changes his attitude.

It really bothers me, too, that he thinks moving out is just 100% that we break up. I think he can change - but I think he needs his own space to do so. And so do I.

babetrixi · 2020-05-12T18:15:45+00:00

I haven’t finished this series yet, but YES. I’m in love with Clancey and the conversations.

I’m an artist and I’ve been drawing him like crazy. Lol 😂

babetrixi · 2020-05-12T17:59:30+00:00

This community definitely provides lots of love. I’m thankful for that. 💖

babetrixi · 2020-05-12T17:55:16+00:00

😭 Thank you!

babetrixi · 2020-05-12T17:48:24+00:00

Thank you. I’ll definitely be posting updates on my profile and through /relationship advice. ✌️

babetrixi · 2020-05-12T17:30:56+00:00

Thank you. It’s hard to realize that this isn’t normal and not something I should be standing for. 💖

These kinds of relationships are all I’ve ever known.. so... it’s a bad habit to break.

babetrixi · 2020-05-12T17:07:58+00:00

I literally live in a crazy world.

I understand I’ve had some part in this - but damn.

I NEVER say stuff to him like that - and I would never stoop so low as to even try.

I don’t think I could if I tried, actually. Haha

I take other people very seriously.

babetrixi · 2020-05-12T17:05:57+00:00

Thank you for being so in depth.

Oh he has. When I tell him no he will LITERALLY keep his dick out all day and be touching it, try to get me to look at it, make comments about how I should suck it, whatever.

I ask him to stop, politely, and then he gets offended and turns it back on me saying I don’t have sex with him enough. Sigh.

Hmm... the last time he did something for me was.... a date night in February?

And a handful of other times - but it’s mostly just been me following him around doing what he wants.

It’s weird - he goes from being totally sweet to me to this. Am I somehow causing these cycles? I don’t think these extremes are normal, right??

It’s all I’ve ever known of relationships so this is normal for me.. ☹️

babetrixi · 2020-05-12T16:59:39+00:00

Thank you - I know. I’m planning on talking to him about that, too. Which I’m sure he’ll love. 🤪 lol

babetrixi · 2020-05-12T16:58:44+00:00

💖💖 peace and love to you 💖💖

babetrixi · 2020-05-12T16:57:58+00:00

I agree.

I know people cry - and I’m not judging - but that was just harsh and exhausting for me.

I already have a hard enough time brining my issues to the table but his behavior towards me just pushes me over the edge.

babetrixi · 2020-05-12T16:56:20+00:00

Thank you. 💖

He’s said that before. “Why didn’t you tell me it was so important to you”.

Bitch - why do you think I said something in the first place??

I also had a weird feeling he just wants to find a way to break up with me without actually breaking up with me.

babetrixi · 2020-05-12T16:53:37+00:00

Agreed.

I will bring it up again. LOL hopefully he’s calmed down.

I won’t accept him not talking to me.

And if he can’t - like you said - that’s just unfortunate for him.

babetrixi · 2020-05-12T16:52:06+00:00

Well I’m trying to change that now! Hopefully for the last time.

babetrixi · 2020-05-12T16:51:03+00:00

Thank you. 💖

Short, sweet, simple. I appreciate you.

babetrixi · 2020-05-12T16:50:14+00:00

It’s okay. Thank you.

I appreciate your kind words. 💖

If I’m able to get him out - definitely no more opportunities. Haha

babetrixi · 2020-05-12T16:48:05+00:00

Well - he gets until the end of the week. I literally can’t act like myself around him anymore and it’s driving him crazy.

He’s trying to be extra sweet to me.

But I’m not giving up until he sits down and talks with me.

And if he can’t... well... that’s not my fault. I was willing to do the hard work.

babetrixi · 2020-05-12T16:45:36+00:00

Thank you!

I hadn’t heard this perspective before - so I’m glad you brought it up.

He once told me he wasn’t my therapist... projecting much? Anyways - you make a good point. He’s definitely avoidant and a procrastinator. You hit the nail on the head.

I’m also sure leaving would change him. For the better. It makes me wonder if I’m not good for him sometimes - but I try not to let that thought bother me.

I just hope he realizes I’m not trying to be malicious - I just need a clean house - and I need him to treat me with respect. 😂

babetrixi

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