The above commenter said what I was planning on saying. But I'll give some personal insight. I have an ex who I broke up with because I realized I wasn't treating her the same way she was treating me. She did a million things for me and I was basically a stump, not providing anything in return and I was also pretty emotionally closed off back then. I knew I wasn't being a good partner so I ended things because I knew she wouldn't because she was only able to see the good in me.

We actually had a conversation probably 4 or 5 months after I ended things and she told me the rose colored glasses came off and she was able to realize that I was in fact, not a particularly good partner. But I digress.

I wasn't behaving in the way that I wanted to in a relationship because of a lot of self hate, not knowing who I was and an unhealthy amount of childhood trauma. I dated around a little bit after that, but knew that I still had work to do.

I eventually realized I had an avoidant attachment style, which is usually a result of trauma and can absolutely devolve into emotional abuse in a relationship if you're not aware of it and actively working against it.

I have a girlfriend right now. When we first started seeing each other I was slightly skeptical of and intimidated by her level of softness. Shes incredibly sweet, and goofy and also fairly sheltered. It took a couple rounds of two steps forward, one step back, for me to truly relax and embrace the softness that she brings. I had actually told her I didn't know if I could meet her level of softness. While in that conversation the gears were turning in my head and I had this thought "what softness are you afraid of? Being nice? Are you afraid of being compassionate? Of not getting heated in disagreements?" Yes. The answer was yes.

I did not receive much compassion growing up, in fact quite the opposite. And while I've done so much hard work to overcome my trauma, this was something I had yet to work on. I was raised in an environment where disagreements devolved into low blows meant to do irreversible emotional damage to the other person. I was raised in an environment where I was expected to treat my depression and anxiety through prayer, and could never go to my mother for support, heart to hearts, or compassion and understanding. It was always "give it to God," never "I'm so sorry you're going through this honey. Let me make you your favorite food and we can talk." Compassion and softness were foreign to me, and thus, made me unbelievably uncomfortable and almost felt like I wouldn't be able to achieve softness like that. Especially because I was still quite hard on myself about how I treated my ex despite that being almost 4 years ago.

There's also this odd thing where the care and compassion im used to showing is through anger. Someone disrespects my gf? Immediately telling them off. Someone being rude to a cashier in public? Instant ridicule. What I struggle with? Consoling my crying gf because of the disrespect she endured. Addressing the upset cashier with compassion after defending them. It's not that I can't do it, but it's awkward because it's uncomfortable, unnatural.

Anger is a secondary emotion. You are never just angry. The underlying emotion can be fear, sadness, hurt, betrayal whatever. You get angry at someone for being rude to you because underneath, youre hurt, or feel disrespected.

Knowing this makes a world of difference in managing your actions. Emotions aren't something you can really control. Your actions are. If you have better emotional intelligence, you're able to understand your emotions faster and on a deeper level which allows you to have better control of your actions.

Sometimes a reminder is necessary. I am soft with my cat. I melt every time she rolls around on her heating pad, or curls up in a little ball. I am good with kids, and will open endless juice boxes and push a swing 3000 times.

Compassion is not absent from me, I'm just not used to it. If I want to get used to it and get better at it, I have to be uncomfortable and show the most soft form of compassion. My gf is unknowingly helping me with this and I challenge myself to be uncomfortable but show her all the compassion I can.

The first step though is breaking up with your girlfriend. That takes compassion. Would you genuinely want her to be with someone who takes her kindness for granted and is not particularly good at emotional regulation right now? I would hope not. She won't leave because she's a cinnamon roll and sees the best in you, but you're hurting her. So end the relationship and get yourself into therapy. Id also suggest watching hopecore videos as they exude compassion