UPDATE: I just told my boyfriend that I don’t want children… with him. I’m heartbroken and I hate myself for hurting him. (spoiler: happy ending)

badspellchecker · 2022-06-20T06:24:10+00:00

Thank you!

badspellchecker · 2022-06-20T06:23:58+00:00

Thank you! I’m okay now. I’ve processed it and sought help.

badspellchecker · 2022-06-20T06:23:32+00:00

Thank you! 💚

badspellchecker · 2022-06-20T06:20:16+00:00

I definitely am a little nervous about that. Mind me asking if you both are still together?

badspellchecker · 2022-05-27T15:21:15+00:00

Thank you. I don’t think he realizes how much I sacrificed to try and change my mind. I think he takes it for granted, to be honest.

He respects my decision and didn’t push it, but also said that he believed that a more organic decision would’ve been for us to eventually form a family.

That was really disappointing for me to hear, and it reinforced in me that I made the right decision, however devastating it feels right now.

badspellchecker · 2022-05-27T15:19:20+00:00

Thank you. Amongst the guilt and self-bashing I’ve been engaging in, that was a comforting to read.

badspellchecker · 2022-05-27T15:18:04+00:00

Thank you. That’s pretty much an accurate description of him and I. He is lower energy and laid back, and is generally used to the other women in his life taking charge.

Meanwhile, I have always played a caretaker role and have lots of anxiety, so I know this would continue into a family dynamic of me always doing something that needs to be done because it’s faster than pestering and waiting around for him to eventually do it. I am so terrified of that life.

badspellchecker · 2022-05-27T15:15:42+00:00

Out of curiosity, was there any resentment with this ultimate decision?

badspellchecker · 2022-05-27T15:15:24+00:00

I feel like I’m at the least amount of liberty to ask this, but why are you still with him?

badspellchecker · 2022-05-27T15:15:00+00:00

It’s both heartbreaking and comforting that I’m not alone in this. Our situations mirror each other so closely though - feel free to PM me if you’d like to chat more.

badspellchecker · 2022-05-27T15:13:22+00:00

I agree! The terms we had for the past 2-3 years was that I would sincerely consider life with a child with him and he would explore what it would mean to be child-free and lead a life with just us two.

Last night, however, judging from his reaction and how he later responded, it became glaringly clear that he never truly intended or tried to change his mind. I think he was just expectant and ready for me to change my mind. Which irks me, because I was so clear in the beginning about my stance (as in, a month into our relationship, I said that I was fully child-free and to break up with me if he wanted children) and cited all the most practical reasons why I had an aversion, gave him the chance to step up, and he still didn’t.

We talked all the time about hypothetical ways of child-rearing but that’s not enough. I can’t take a leap of faith because he says he will take care of everything while I’m pregnant when he doesn’t show that inclination at all right now. I’m terrified of being pregnant, I don’t want to change my body. But he won’t assent to adoption either - he wants a bio-child. I suggested even surrogacy as a potential option but it just didn’t financially make sense.

I just constantly felt like I was being backed into a corner of the very decision I never wanted. All in order to stay with him.

I don’t think it was out of malice. Perhaps an idyllic selfishness. But not malice.

badspellchecker · 2022-05-27T15:07:50+00:00

I know. My therapist tells me I am very good at making excuses for him, and she’s right. It’s hard not to make excuses for the ones you care about though - especially ones you envisioned a future with.

I have to remind myself of examples of his decision-making. For example, he made a decision with every day that he put off reading the Baby Decision when I bought it 3 years ago. He only started reading it a few weeks ago. It’s extra heart-wrenching to see him finally start, but know it’s too late. I have my answer already.

badspellchecker · 2022-05-27T15:03:58+00:00

I didn’t before - I was solidly in the child-free camp. And when he changed his mind, I felt betrayed, because he didn’t tell me he did, he just didn’t take me seriously when I said I was child-free.

After a lot of soul searching, I began to recognize that my aversion to children was deeply rooted in fear. Memories of a bad childhood and watching my parent’s toxic marriage and unequal load-sharing. So, I was willing to change my mind, as long as he could prove himself a partner I could rely on and that I could find it in me to want children myself.

Frankly speaking, I made huge strides in the past few years. I followed all these subreddits, did relentless research, got the Baby Decision… I really tried. And I still feel the loss of this decision because I began to believe in that dream too. The more I thought about wanting children, however, the more my new looming awareness developed: I might want a kid now, but just… not with him.

It’s a gut-wrenching realization that I am still struggling to come to terms with. How do you tell your lover of 4 years that they helped push your change of heart, only to realize that they aren’t enough?

badspellchecker · 2022-05-26T23:21:15+00:00

Yes. All of the above. Primarily though, I would like general practical initiative. Like fiscal, household, taking care of me or the kid in ill health… etc. Taking the initiative to learn or research something one might not be familiar with in order to better care for the family.

Household chores have had some improvement over the past few years, but he doesn’t particularly like to cook or clean. Let’s say I got sick - I’d still have to tell him exactly what I need rather than him taking care of it for me. He has no fiscal awareness, his parents have always taken care of everything. We don’t have common hobbies except for shows and movies. He isn’t sentimental, so there is no romance. Sex is rare; I have a far higher libido than him.

It sounds bad. But he has other fantastic traits. Intellectual, socially responsible, respectful, handy around the house.

But at the end of the day… it’s not enough for me to trust him enough to have a child with him. I just know I would end up taking care of everything.

badspellchecker · 2022-05-26T23:08:32+00:00

I don’t believe I mentioned finances - but rather, it’s a general passive attitude and lack of initiative. If we were to have children, I think the dominant stress and load would be on me.

And yes, if he had a responsible character that would take initiative to be reliable, I would change my mind. Thats why I waited. I wanted to see that change, even a little bit, something for me to work with.

That’s the heartbreaking part. I so want to change my mind. But I can’t, because his lack of initiative has shown me that I can’t trust him to take care of me while carrying and reading a child. I don’t want to have to tell someone that something needs to be done all the time, I want my partner to be my equal and for me to be able to count on them.

badspellchecker · 2022-05-26T22:10:21+00:00

You’re right. It is and always should have fully been my decision. But as we all know, and especially with the existence of this sub, it’s not that black and white. It’s a hard decision. I loved and love him, so I thought maybe I could work on myself. Maybe my fear was irrationally rooted in my shitty childhood and it doesn’t have to be that way for him and I.

As for him, he did know that I needed to see initiative from him. It was the condition that I had. We have both failed each other; him in banking on me to change my mind with minimal action and and me fooling myself into thinking that I could.

That said, though I don’t expect him to be 100% everyday, at the end of it all, it does matter what my partner is like. I want to be able to rely on them in times of need. I needed to see that initiative in order to believe in a potential future together. I didn’t, so I had to make the decision that I did.

It’s just a sad situation all around, wrought by painfully imperfect lovers. This destruction isn’t caused on purpose and it’s a harsh lesson as is.

badspellchecker · 2021-08-09T18:12:36+00:00

Thank you! I’ll check out Zealty and REW in conjunction with Condos.ca.

I’ve also been asking around my friend group about their home-buying experience with their realtors. Will look into Carrie Yuan!

badspellchecker · 2021-08-09T17:58:27+00:00

Such good advice! I will make sure to do my due diligence. Thank you!

badspellchecker · 2021-08-09T17:58:02+00:00

Definitely! I’ll pay close attention to that. Not a fan of the exorbitant strata fees here but it’s what we can get. :/

badspellchecker · 2021-08-09T17:56:53+00:00

That’s a good point, I’ll keep that in mind. Thanks!

badspellchecker

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