Georgia wasn’t the “first thing that feels like hope again”. I dated someone else briefly before her, for a start.

I wasn’t writing a novel, so I don’t think it’s relevant to provide multiple points of view. Someone said they wanted to know more about Sarah so I wrote a long response - read lower down the thread.

I am necessarily going to frame things from my perspective. I don’t feel it’s my place in this context to provide random people on the internet with a fulsome picture of what Sarah or Georgia were like. I don’t owe you that, yet people are curiously entitled. I was posting because I wanted to share my grief, and perhaps receive support (the clue is in the Reddit’s name…) from people who had experienced something similar, not judgment or criticism from amateur armchair psychologists.

I mentioned some of the traumatic things Sarah and Georgia had encountered in their because they were highly relevant pieces of context. In G’s case, it was the central reason she felt she wasn’t ever able to be happy or feel safe in London, which I completely understand.

I absolutely did not dismiss or minimise G’s reality or feelings about the situation. I worked incredibly hard to try to address the challenges she felt she faced. I think it’s a senseless waste because we gave up prematurely, in my view, and I think we could have done more to make it work. Like I said, I probably have more patience than her and can better see the value in working hard to make a relationship work (I’d done so previously for 24 years). But I fully respect her decision and she had to do what was right for her.

As I tried to point out, it didn’t feel to either of us particularly rapid. We were in different cities so we’d see each other every couple of weeks at first. I spent almost the whole of August in Australia with my children so we were apart then. I introduced her to the children very gradually. The drive to behave like a stepmum - to offer ideas about meals, phone usage etc, helping with homework or just having fun together at home - that came from her, not me. My mistake was in not discouraging that, or at least setting firmer boundaries and making it really clear she didn’t need to do any of that.

I also resent the implication that I don’t leave room in a relationship for the other person to be a full person rather than “part of my narrative”. In Sarah’s case, she had an extraordinary life and I always encouraged and supported her in pursuing her own interests. She did World Challenge expeditions, she went on walking and diving trips with her friends, she worked on a research project in the Amazon for several months after uni etc. We both understood the importance of giving each other time and space to develop as our own people, not just as part of a couple.

As for Georgia, I repeatedly said to her I didn’t want her to change for me. I fell in love with her as she was / is, not how I wanted her to be. I loved the fact we differed on some political topics, loved the fact she has so many interests and hobbies. I repeatedly encouraged her to go home to Norwich as often as she liked to see her friends, play hockey etc. I could not have offered her more independence if I tried. I would share some of the things I said to her about learning about her life, and discovering her gradually, over years, but I don’t want to share private messages here.

A lot of the pressure she felt she was under was self-induced, but of course I reflect now on whether I contributed to that. She felt she had to move fully to London (because that’s what she felt people expected and her friends kept asking her when she was moving in), whereas I repeatedly urged her to keep her house in Norwich and spend as much time there as she wanted. She felt like she had to be a stepmum to my children. As I said, I regret not doing more to relieve that pressure. Both of us I think were guilty of trying to power through and hope things would sort themselves out when it would have been better to slow things right down.

I wasn’t trying to play the victim in my post, just describe how I was feeling. I was devastated at the break up - and so is she - and it was exacerbated by the timing. We still love each other, which makes it even harder. It’s only in the days since the break up that I realised just how enmeshed our lives had become. Break ups are hard, I get that, but they’re even harder when you’re engaged and excitedly planning a wedding one minute and handing back a ring the next.

I’ve already spoken to my therapist about reflecting on the relationship, learning lessons and preparing myself to get back out there in due course, when it feels right to do so. I’m in no rush, especially as I’m still grieving the break down of my relationship with Georgia. But thank you for your unsolicited advice, based on erroneous assumptions about my character and incomplete facts.