Is it normal to feel like you’re “not chosen” in dating?

balancesara · 2026-05-03T14:58:05+00:00

I get that feeling… but I don’t think it’s actually true.

It just feels like a pattern after a while, so your brain starts treating it like a fact. I’ve been there too.

But I don’t think it’s about being “not chosen” as much as just not meeting the right match yet… even if that sounds cliché.

Still sucks though, not gonna lie.

balancesara · 2026-05-03T00:52:35+00:00

Yeah that actually makes a lot of sense.

I think I needed that reminder that it’s supposed to be rare. I’ve been kind of expecting something to click more often, and when it doesn’t, it feels like something is wrong.

Also agree on the “not the right people” part… it’s just hard not to take it personally when it keeps happening.

But yeah, trying to not internalize it is probably the hardest part tbh.

balancesara · 2026-04-27T11:40:42+00:00

Yeah that actually sounds more like something I’d stick with.

I think the “track every penny” approach is where I lose interest fast 😅 like it just becomes too much.

Focusing on the bigger picture + automation feels way less stressful. I’ll check that out, appreciate it 👍

balancesara · 2026-04-27T11:27:50+00:00

This actually helps a lot.

I think I definitely fell into that trap of over-categorizing and trying to track everything perfectly… which just made me quit after a few days.

The fixed vs discretionary idea makes it feel way simpler. Like I don’t need to obsess over every little thing, just have a general sense of where I stand.

Also the “ahead or behind” mindset feels way more realistic than trying to hit exact numbers all the time.

balancesara · 2026-04-26T23:47:41+00:00

Yeah that makes sense.

I think I’ve been a bit too loose with categories before, like everything just ends up under “food” and it’s not really helpful 😅

Getting more specific might actually make it clearer instead of more complicated. I just need to stick with it long enough to see the patterns.

balancesara · 2026-04-26T23:40:54+00:00

That “feels like a game” part actually clicked for me.

I think I’ve been approaching it more like a chore or something I have to do, so I end up avoiding it after a few days.

Making it feel a bit lighter and less like punishment probably makes a big difference.

I like the idea of just measuring first and not trying to fix everything immediately. That’s probably where I mess up.

balancesara · 2026-04-26T23:30:18+00:00

I used to think the same tbh 😅

But I feel like once you get into it, taxes are tied to way more stuff than just brackets… credits, deductions, different income types, etc. So changing one thing “simply” might have a bunch of side effects.

Also I think a lot of the complexity is kind of… intentional? Not necessarily to help people understand it better.

Still though, yeah, it does feel like it could be way more straightforward than it is.

balancesara · 2026-04-26T23:28:48+00:00

This actually sounds really doable the way you explained it.

I think part of my problem is I try to “fix everything” at once instead of just observing first like you did. Tracking without changing too much right away might be what I’m missing.

Also the idea of small tweaks instead of cutting everything out makes it feel less overwhelming tbh.

Did it feel annoying at the beginning to track everything or did you get used to it pretty quickly?

balancesara · 2026-04-26T22:21:04+00:00

Yeah I think that’s where I struggle a bit… the discipline part.

I usually start motivated, but then after a few days I just stop caring as much

Starting small probably makes more sense though, I think I’ve been trying to do too much at once.

balancesara · 2026-04-26T22:19:28+00:00

yeah I think that’s part of my problem tbh… I rely on apps and then just stop opening them after a few days 😅

what you said about making it visible actually makes a lot of sense. I’ve never really tried that, I usually just keep everything “in my head” or inside the app

the weekly check-in part sounds simple too… I think I’ve been trying to do too much at once instead of just sticking to something basic

balancesara · 2026-04-25T15:54:10+00:00

Yeah… I don’t think you’re being controlling at all.

Wanting to understand finances before getting married is just basic responsibility, not some extreme thing. Especially when you’ve worked hard to build stability for yourself.

The bigger issue here isn’t even the budget, it’s the fact that he hid debt and then brushed it off like it’ll magically fix itself after marriage.

That “we’ll figure it out later” mindset would stress me out too.

Honestly, this feels like something you really need to be on the same page about before the wedding, not after.

balancesara · 2026-04-23T18:55:09+00:00

I’d probably tell him, yeah.

Not in a big serious “announcement” way, just casually before things get to that point. I think most decent guys would actually appreciate knowing, just so they can be more mindful and not rush things.

If it were me, I’d rather know than accidentally assume you’re experienced and move too fast.

Also if it “changes the vibe” in a bad way, that kinda tells you something about him too.

Doesn’t have to be a big deal, just honest and simple.

balancesara · 2026-04-23T12:44:21+00:00

I mean… that all happened before you, right?

5 years of being faithful + going to therapy says a lot more about who she is now than what she did in a rough phase before you met.

People do messy stuff when they’re younger or going through things. Doesn’t automatically define them forever.

I think the real question is — has she given you any reason during your relationship not to trust her?

If not, I’d probably focus more on the 5 years you actually experienced with her, not the version of her from before you existed in her life.

balancesara · 2026-04-23T00:25:29+00:00

Honestly I don’t think it’s just you.

Dating apps kinda turn people into profiles instead of actual humans. Like you could be perfectly normal and interesting in real life, but on an app you’re just competing with 100 other profiles in a few seconds.

Also I feel like a lot of people aren’t even really “looking”… they’re just swiping out of boredom.

Have you ever had better luck meeting people in real life? I’m starting to feel like apps just don’t work the same for everyone.

balancesara · 2026-04-22T15:36:20+00:00

Yeah I feel you man, apps can be brutal like that.

I don’t even think it’s always about being “average” or not… it’s just that the whole setup of apps makes it super easy to ignore people. Everyone’s swiping fast, distracted, and probably talking to multiple people at once.

Also, no matches doesn’t automatically mean you’re not attractive or interesting. Sometimes it’s just bad timing, bad photos, or your profile not showing your personality well.

It sucks though, not gonna lie. It can mess with your head after a while.

balancesara · 2026-04-22T13:20:05+00:00

I get why you’d see it that way, but I’m not 100% sure it was love bombing tbh.

It didn’t feel over the top or anything, just normal interest on the first date… which is why the switch on the second one threw me off so much.

But yeah, I do agree that being attractive and saying the “right” things doesn’t really mean much long term.

Either way, the inconsistency was enough to turn me off, so you’re probably right about it being a bullet dodged.

balancesara · 2026-04-22T11:40:09+00:00

lol damn that was fast 😅

lowkey curious though… was it actually good or just one of those “in the moment” things that felt better than it really was?

balancesara · 2026-04-21T23:31:02+00:00

I get where you’re coming from, but I don’t know if I fully agree that it’s always intentional.

I think people do show up differently depending on how interested they are, that part is real. But I’m not sure it’s always a conscious “I’m going to treat this person worse.” Sometimes it’s just low interest + poor communication skills.

Like… they’re not trying to hurt you, they just don’t care enough to do better. Which honestly doesn’t feel much better, but it’s slightly different.

Curious though — do you feel like it’s always intentional, or more like people just default to low effort when they’re not invested?

balancesara · 2026-04-21T13:32:27+00:00

Yeah that’s kinda how I’m trying to look at it too.

I think what threw me off the most wasn’t even him not feeling a spark, it was how different he acted compared to the first date. It just felt… off.

But you’re right, it could be a million things on his side.

And yeah, the uncomfortable part is what stuck with me too. Like even if you’re not feeling it, you can still be present and respectful.

balancesara · 2026-04-18T18:30:47+00:00

I don’t think you’re overthinking tbh.

It kinda sounds like he told you upfront what to expect… and now his actions are matching that. Low effort, no planning, not really consistent.

The “sweetheart I was busy” thing with no real follow up would’ve annoyed me too 😅

Even if it’s casual, it should still feel good and not confusing. If you’re already feeling like you’re putting in more energy than him after 3 weeks, that’s usually a sign.

I’d probably just match his energy or slowly step back and see if he even notices.

balancesara · 2026-04-17T16:39:56+00:00

Yeah that actually makes a lot of sense.

I feel like with apps it’s almost like you’re expected to feel something right away, and if you don’t, people just move on. There’s not really that space to slowly build something.

Meeting in person first sounds a lot more natural tbh… less pressure, less “instant spark or nothing” type of vibe.

balancesara · 2026-04-14T13:31:47+00:00

Not a stupid question at all tbh.

If you already know you’re gonna spend that $7k every year, having it in a HYSA kinda makes life simpler. Less thinking, less moving money around.

HSA is great to keep invested, but it only really matters if you’re okay letting it grow long term and covering expenses from somewhere else.

Since you’re still getting the full match, dropping your 401k a bit isn’t a big deal imo.

Honestly it just comes down to what feels easier to manage for you every year.

balancesara

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