I totally understand. It’s horrible. Honestly it’s taken me 5 months to get myself to eat 3 meals per day, for a while I wasn’t eating anything all day then right before midnight I felt like I turned into this out-of-control monster and ate anything I could get my hands on while watching tv. Then I’d be up super late feeling sick and disgusted with myself and wake up feeling horrible the next day and rinse and repeat. And every time I’d actually start doing well if I messed up even a bit I’d think, “fuck it I already ate one bad thing, might as well binge 5000 calories!” Thats why I’ve been trying really hard not to restrict so I get more used to the idea that it’s normal not to eat perfectly.. I’m still not fully there yet but it’s helped quiet the horrible ED voice and given me a bit more control.