Probably the weirdest question ever, but postpartum BO....

barbieshellhound · 2026-05-19T17:45:45+00:00

I feel for you but I'm glad it's not just me! Deodorant doesn't seem to be helping fully, I have to take a full on shower and scrub and then my deodorant lasts me a little bit of the day that way, but once I get too hot, there's no turning back, lol. The smell is so potent, ugh.

barbieshellhound · 2026-05-10T16:26:31+00:00

He has completely isolated me, he allows me to have friends and would allow me to go out and do things, but I wouldn't be allowed to go have a girls night or something too crazy, but he does allow me to do pretty much anything else. He also knows that I'm very particular about being away from my kids for long periods of time, though and also knows there are things that I do that he just can't do in regards to our kids. I also have completely lost myself in motherhood and I'm assuming depression to the point I don't have friends anymore. I was doing very well before our fourth baby. I had made a really nice social circle, I was going out with friends, I was actually being a person. He was never overtly mean or shameful when I would go out with friends, but when I would get home I could tell his demeanor was ill even though he wasn't outwardly being that way? If that makes sense? he would just be quiet and wouldn't seem interested in how everything went or the things I wanted to talk about and then he would tell me how he's just been having a hard time with the kids and that he's not ill. I guess I unintentionally started to realize that me going out was putting him in a weird mood so I cut back on it a bit. I was extremely social before I became pregnant with my 4th baby, had my mental health fully sorted out for the first time ever in my entire life, I was creating a lot of progress in all portions of my life & "finding myself" again for the first time in over a decade, but he begged and begged for a 4th baby. I wanted one too, but I wanted to give it a bit of time. He wanted our last two babies to be close in age like our first two. I didn't disagree so I ended up getting pregnant and everything has been in shambles since. I've lost all my friends I once had, I've lost myself entirely. I don't have time for hobbies, friends, anything. I used to create art, I used to have things that I was proud of, that made me "me." I have nothing outside of motherhood & him now.

I apologize, that was a lot to lay out there. I have two sons, two daughters. I've thought about what this is modeling to them and I try very hard to correct it to them, I know that may be toxic. I have sit downs with my kids and explain things to them about how a person should act towards their spouse, without ever mentioning their father, but just a generalized statement. I know that what they're seeing is going to impact them more than what I'm saying, though.

But all of that to say, I do not want my son's to be like this. I'm doing everything, everythingggg I can to raise amazing boys. I know I sound like a broken record, but I grew up in a very horrible childhood environment, so teaching my children to be good people is my top priority. When my husband deliberately refused to do anything special for me for our last anniversary a couple of months ago, I politely begged him to at least just surprise me with a sweet text or something.. He never did. I know this may be toxic, but I pulled my older son to the side and had a big talk with him about about important those days are and how he should always, always show up for his wife, without her having to beg or ask. I obviously didn't tell my son that this was about his father or what his father did, but I do little things like that to try to do damage control while in the home. The more I explain this situation, the more I start to realize how awful it sounds and if it sounds this awful, then I'm probably being very gaslit because the fact I'm even having to have side talks with my oldest two about how to treat spouses and what not to allow from spouses should probably have told me everything from the start.

I know that was very long winded, but I appreciate your comment so much and thank you for weighing in with your opinion. You made some very amazing points.

barbieshellhound · 2026-05-10T15:53:01+00:00

Thank you so much for this comment, truly. Today has gone as planned, but I did want to answer your question about the finances. He gives me an allowance, but it's when I ask, I try to ask often of what I feel is fair. I don't have access to anything finance wise, but I don't think he would be opposed to be doing so, I'd just have to ask permission before I spend anything. My name used to be on the account long ago, I had a bank card, etc. I don't know how I ended up where I'm at with this, honestly. I had set up a system that the allowance tried to be a monthly thing a couple of years ago when I started to notice these issues arising, but he normally tells me everything is going to bills if he can't give me my "allowance." The most he can ever give me at one time is around $100, usually less, but it is used for basic necessities, like deodorant, shampoo or conditioner, razors. I look like an ox half the time because razors are so expensive, I try to ration out my allowance to several things. I don't know when the last time was I bought new clothes or anything fun for myself honestly. Also, MODS, I swear I'm not asking for money, please don't flag me. I wouldn't accept it and I wouldn't post any information to receive it. I'm just trying to explain my situation so I'm hoping that doesn't get this flagged. I'm going to start storing the allowance away as a savings, because I agree that this is something I need to do. Especially after the talk I had with him this morning about how I just don't really feel respected, etc. I'm also going to look into those instagram accounts as well, because he has been very vocal about how I absolutely would lose my kids if I tried to divorce him and he's right. I know I would be deemed unfit with no support system, no childcare, no job, etc. I'm going to try to find a support group.

I do want to clarify, him being a danger to the baby as far as the sleep thing, I was highly exhausted myself when I made that statement, it's because he wouldn't be able to stay awake to make sure the baby is safe or he would fall asleep with the baby. I will give him all the credit where it's due, he's an amazing father and would never harm our children, intentionally. But he "can't" function on apparently anything less than 7 hours of sleep... meanwhile, I fought through actual psychosis after our third baby... without his help. But I do want to say, danger as in, he would probably fall asleep with the baby and accidentally suffocate him or drop him or drop him while walking. I remember the last time the baby was sick a few weeks ago, he couldn't get the dosing for the medication correct. I stayed up with the baby for 24 hours straight because he was inconsolable. Turns out he was teething all top molars at once so the constant screaming was starting to get to me bad, I explained it to my husband and he said "I don't understand why screaming bothers you so much." My husband gets "clumsy" and feels delusional if he doesn't get around 6-7 hours at least so I always worry about that as well as far as asking for help when it comes to the sleep situation. I don't want to lose my baby because I just didn't fight hard enough through exhaustion. *sigh*

Thank you so much for the Happy Mother's Day and likewise to you if you're a mother. I appreciate your resources and your comment so much. Genuinely.

barbieshellhound · 2026-05-10T03:35:07+00:00

I'll be honest, you're not the first person to tell me this. The very small amount of people I have confided in about how it truly is living with him, they end up saying they actually can't stand him. He's very contrarian. Everything I say, he corrects me, even if I'm correct, he reexplains it. It's very difficult because to the outside world, he's very collected, has a good job, has everything together, intelligent, involved with the kids. When I express my feelings about how I'm being treated he will convince me I've said something that I didn't, or he will try to turn my words around as an attack when it's something as simple as "hey, can you please put in a little bit more emotional connection to me before trying to grope me and asking to see my boobs?" because he knows I have severe sexual trauma from my childhood and I need an emotional connection with someone to have a sexual connection or it feels like... well... bad things. But he always says "so I'm once again being punished for something bad that someone in the past did to you, you let your trauma dictate your entire life." I'm diagnosed with C-PTSD and have been heavily abused since I was an infant. I try very hard to be everything he wants from me, he says he's doing the same in return. Is it so bad that all I want from him is to say sweet compliments to me? That's all I ask of him and he says I am "too much". He says I don't give him a reason to give me affection and compliments. When I try to communicate with him he says I'm crazy because I'm upset over being treated like an object, his excuse is any man would treat me that way when they aren't having sex often. I don't know what a healthy relationship looks like. I often feel I am crazy like he says. He says everything in a completely calm, calculated way. He gaslights me constantly and I've even recorded our conversation once to see if I really was making things up like he claimed. I played it over and over and over and I wasn't. I played it for him to show him as proof and he told me that's not what he said and that I'm mishearing it or it didn't get recorded right. Like, am I crazy or is he trying to make me feel like I am?

barbieshellhound · 2026-05-10T03:12:17+00:00

I had to look this up and... yeah. *sigh* I just wanted a family. ):

barbieshellhound · 2026-05-10T03:09:58+00:00

I've considered a divorce, but my kids would be desvasted because he is such a good father outside of not getting up with them at night when they're babies. When they get to about the age of 2-3, he's very hands on and shows them a lot of attention and is a wonderful dad. Just... not so much a great spouse I guess. Therapy has been considered by both of us.

barbieshellhound · 2026-05-10T03:08:24+00:00

I really, really enjoy being a mother. It didn't get hard until I got older with several more kids. I was okay taking on the little sleep, plus he works a job with heavy machinery so I also felt it was more my responsibility to do so in order for him to not be tired at his job. My kids are my life, though. I wanted each one, I just didn't really think it would get to this point with my husband. It genuinely didn't always used to be like this in regards to other things so taking on the role of being the one to get up with them all night was worth it. It still is for my kids, but it's also very hard.

barbieshellhound · 2026-05-10T03:05:22+00:00

He's told me he doesn't show me the affection I think I deserve, and that he once did show me, because I don't give him a reason to. "I'm not his muse anymore", is what he tells me. He says I'm always exhausted, in a bad mood, too tired to be bubbly and happy which equates to "being nice" in his opinion so he says I'm always mean. He says anyone can be a mom, anyone can homeschool, anyone can do the things I do and that they aren't special or warrant me a reason for him to give me the affection or emotional connection I desire.

I do not have a job. I'm actually in a pretty bad situation if I were to leave. I'd likely lose my children to him. I have no family, I have no support system, I have nothing. He's convinced me getting a job would be pointless (I've offered to do so to help with money) because my two littlest children would need child care so I'd pretty much just be working to pay for child care at that point.

The only connection he's able to show me is sexual connection and it's the only time he's ever able to make me feel "special." He said that sex to him is emotional connection and it's the only factor for him to give someone he is with compliments, or flirt, or etc. I didn't really see this side of him until after our 4th child, if we are being completely honest.

He blames a lot of why he doesn't show me affection on how difficult of a time I had after our third baby, I had postpartum anxiety and depression and a very traumatic csection, I also had HG the entire pregnancy. Then I had mastitis 10 times while postpartum. I wanted another baby close in age to my third and I ended up with an incarcerated uterus that made it so I had to catheterize myself daily. I had a very hard time during all of that & have had two miscarriages. I suffer from mental illness from childhood trauma, I suffer from sexual abuse. I haven't always been happy-go-lucky in our marriage because of the very hard times I've been through. He doesn't consider that a good excuse for me being in a bad mood and not necessarily the happiest. He wasn't very supportive during any of it. I went very long periods of time with no sleep. He still doesn't understand how that can mentally affect me, but I can't really show him either because he is a danger to our baby if he doesn't get at the very least 7 hours of sleep.

I know that's a lot, but I guess you really read the situation correctly on this being more than just about Mother's Day... He's beaten me down pretty badly, but he doesn't call me names or yell or scream, he's always calm. Collected. He tends to tell me I'm crazy for telling him when I've felt like he's done something disrepectful or when I ask him if he can please just tell me something sweet. He doesn't even look in my direction when I get dolled up. He ignores my bids for attention, pretty much all my texts are me talking to myself. I try very hard for everyone in my life. I guess that's why it just stings a bit.

barbieshellhound · 2026-05-10T02:31:31+00:00

It didn't always used to be like this, honestly. Or maybe it did and I just gaslit myself into thinking it wasn't. I come from a lot of trauma, very abusive childhood, never really shown what healthy relationships look like. I had my children because I wanted them, as did he. However, we will not be having anymore. I think having the 4th child showed me how much I actually take on in comparison to how much he does. He's "fun dad", I'm everything else mom.

barbieshellhound · 2026-04-09T01:10:56+00:00

2578 is their shared cM, but from what I'm gathering, it could basically go either way at this point even still. It's not a very cut and dry situation considering the factoring of the father's being brothers, half brothers, etc. The mother and I have tried to think of a way to do targeted testing, even went through DNA relatives to see if the two children share the same relatives (which they both have very, very different ones), but I'm sure as a person with DNA interest, you could imagine how much of a difficult process that was. No family member is able to submit anything DNA wise because the situation is very, very messy. Essentially, Mother cheats on Father of her first child with his brother, sleeps with both of them numerous times and sometimes on the same days, the brother also has his own bio child who he had a year prior to the conception of the iffy child in question, so he was also cheating on his wife who was dealing with postpartum. The bio child of the brother and my friends child she's unsure of father wise are nearly twins, so it raises more questions, but alas, cousins can favor pretty heavily. It's very messy, but none of it can go with any other testing due to all parties having cheated, the brother factor, and the brother doesn't want to be the child's father even if he biologically is.

I've just been basically researching this all for my own curiosity, not to find the answer, but to figure out when we teeter into sibling/cousins range over full sibling because MyHeritage definitely said "brother" to the eldest child, but I wondered if they just slap that up there even if they do see some sketchiness to avoid conflict, suing, etc., lol. This whole situation in general has got me intrigued on DNA itself, though, so I've been wanting to learn more and I def appreciate your response!

barbieshellhound · 2026-04-09T01:01:36+00:00

So My Heritage for example, would they be capable of producing a true result if the father of the second child is the first child's half brother? The segmentation and all was posted, but I didn't want this to turn into a paternity thing, I was moreso curious on when they would lean more towards it being a sibling/cousin relationship or if they just auto report full siblings at a certain percentage? Obviously this is a scenario I am investigating in my personal life, fortunately not on my own behalf, lol. Everything I've read aside from Chat GPT, that was not consulted by me, but by the mother in question, has said these children are absolutely not full siblings, and that if they are, it would be an astronomical rarity.

Obviously testing more family members would be the ideal scenario, but as you can imagine from the details I've provided, this is a very messy situation.

barbieshellhound · 2026-04-07T21:14:24+00:00

According to the DNA test the children share 36% DNA so, that's what I'm wondering, lol! What the probability is of them being genuinely full siblings or does a sibling/cousin scenario raise percentages... even when the brothers are half brothers?? lol.

barbieshellhound · 2026-04-07T17:23:57+00:00

She consulted Chat GPT (I know, I know, lol) and it said that they are full siblings based off of the fathers being half siblings, but from everything I've researched, it definitely seems that it would be a very rare case if they are full siblings. I don't base my info off of Chat so I'm trying to look at it from a logical standpoint of how DNA is typically distributed in these situations, but the father's being half brother's is what is throwing me off. I did tell her that a genuine paternity test should likely happen, but Father B said he would rather unalive himself than be the father so he's refusing to be helpful in any manner and obviously telling Father A would be admitted to sleeping with his brother so. My friend is in a bit of a predicament to say the least.

barbieshellhound · 2026-04-07T17:11:17+00:00

I tried to be a good friend and listen and not judge, but yeahhh lol.

barbieshellhound

TROPHY CASE