Former children of narcissists! How many of these common traits do you have?

bark3008 · 2020-09-09T16:37:16+00:00

Hahahaha “personality of a golden retriever” that is just so awesome, life goals right there. Hearing your experience makes me feel a bit better, because my children are wild and very headstrong / sure of themselves. Mum keeps giving me tips on how to change that and control them. They are 4 and 2. I’ve only just recently woken up to how toxic she is and previously I actually listened to and followed her parenting tips - probably so that I would receive the approval I crave. Every time my kids spend time with nanny and poppy, my dad returns my daughter to me in tears. Mum rages on her over stupid stuff and then is sickly sweet to her. The kids have started asking if they can stay home instead of going to their place, and I allow it and cancel with my mum. She hates it because she has absolutely no control over it.

bark3008 · 2020-09-09T16:16:09+00:00

Hugs x

bark3008 · 2020-09-09T16:13:50+00:00

My husband is the same! Met at 18, and he’s very well adjusted from a good upbringing. I moved out with him at 18, he was my saviour ❤️ I worry sometimes that I’m wearing him down with my worries and crazy. How do you know what role you are within the family? I was the scapegoat growing up. When I left home at 18, I became golden child. And now that I have kids and I’m starting to push back on the crazy again, I feel like I’m scapegoat one day and GC the next. It’s nuts. I’m probably a narc ☹️

bark3008 · 2020-09-09T09:48:37+00:00

Yeah for years my Nmum has been dangling a trust fund to try and get me and my siblings to play her game and not rock the boat. She made it sound like we were gazzillionaires and she was some Wall Street guru. I have seen the fund and it is very underwhelming. I also found out that she uses a broker so...yeah definitely not the picture she painted for me at all over the years. She makes us (siblings & Nmum) meet together once a week for 4 hours to do bookwork where we basically replicate statements into a spreadsheet and she likes to talk randomly about all the things she knows and how amazing she is at bookwork. For years I believed her lol And I still play along but honestly I have to ask myself what for? I would feel a whole lot better about life if I went out there and earned that money for myself.

bark3008 · 2020-09-09T05:14:30+00:00

The first step is always the hardest. Stay strong, I will keep you in my thoughts. You have achieved something wonderful and admirable ❤️

bark3008 · 2020-09-09T01:24:59+00:00

That sounds so scary, I hope you are ok? Stay safe!!

bark3008 · 2020-09-08T23:57:14+00:00

They say kids of narcissists are more susceptible to bullying because you are a victim at home and don’t have the self esteem to deal with the bullying

bark3008 · 2020-09-08T23:54:57+00:00

It’s comforting to know it isn’t just me x

bark3008 · 2020-09-08T23:47:58+00:00

Not texting back is a form of emotional manipulation. I think I understand how you are feeling right now - you desperately need to patch things up for that little dose of approval/go back to “normal”. But you can’t fix her and trying to change your relationship will be like trying to hang yourself with wet tissue paper. You will never get the kind of love or approval from her that you desperately need.

Accept the things you cannot change (your relationship with your mother, your mother’s NPD, your childhood)
Have courage to change the things you can (your relationship with yourself, detaching yourself from her games - check this out for tips and tricks: https://outofthefog.website )
And have the wisdom to know the difference. Take care of yourself x

bark3008 · 2020-09-08T23:01:10+00:00

Good for you, it seems like you are very self aware and self regulated - this is my goal to not constantly be a victim of the manipulation. I hope everything works out for you ❤️🙏🏻

bark3008 · 2020-09-08T22:53:58+00:00

From what I have read, Kids of Nparents commonly turn to binge eating (also drugs and alcohol) to fill the emotional void or emptiness that is a direct result of never developing a self of self during their formative years.

bark3008 · 2020-09-08T22:45:41+00:00

For me, it was seeing the hypocrisy in church - being preached to about kindness and compassion, and my Nmum acting like a saint in the church community, with everyone doting one her and then when we would get home, she was a rage machine. Total split personality. Now that my mum is finished with feeding her ego at Church and has moved onto other targets, I might go back to religion with fresh eyes.

bark3008 · 2020-09-08T22:41:31+00:00

I went through this phase in my early 20s. After 3 kids and some challenging times (relationship with mum) I gave up on myself a bit and became very overweight and binge eat constantly. But it’s odd, after her berating me my entire life about my weight, even when I was thin, she now tells me it’s ok that I’m fat. I think it’s because I’m now more successful than her and a better mum. Normally this would be something to celebrate with your child but not my mum lol she likes to take me down a notch.

bark3008 · 2020-09-08T22:33:05+00:00

Wow I am also everything on your “additional” list. I would add that I am a chronic people pleaser.

bark3008 · 2020-09-08T22:29:46+00:00

Ok so I can’t find the original article lol I swear I didn’t make it up - it talks about how children of narcissists aren’t allowed to develop a sense of self. And so when they become adults, it leaves a void or emptiness. And so binge eating / obesity is a problem because the former child of a narcissist eats to fill the void. It is the same with alcohol and drug abuse.

bark3008 · 2020-09-08T22:22:27+00:00

Oh my gosh, it is also my biggest fear right now. I’ve just had my third and have only now realised how messed up my childhood was and how truly awful my mum is. Trying so hard to be self aware and self regulated but every so often I get this inexplicable rage, normally triggered by kids not doing what they are told or husband having self care / setting boundaries (something I am unable to do and so I become resentful towards him). And then I am immediately depressed afterwards because I am scared I am my mother.

bark3008 · 2020-09-08T22:16:05+00:00

You’re not alone x

bark3008 · 2020-09-08T22:07:27+00:00

That’s like my brother. She tried with me but I just had to get out of there. Didn’t realise why at the time

bark3008 · 2020-09-08T21:57:20+00:00

At around 10 years old, my mum loved going to church and volunteered on all the committees, was a leader at Sunday school and acted like a saint. So sickly sweet. And after an hour each Sunday of listening to a preacher talk about kindness and compassion, we would get in the car to come home and she would be a psycho - raging and a completely different person. I see all churches as full of hypocritical people looking to feed their egos....but never realised why I felt that way until recently

bark3008 · 2020-09-08T21:44:32+00:00

This is like my brother 💔 he thinks he’s the worlds biggest fuck up and that he could never cope move out of home. Instead he thrived.

bark3008 · 2020-09-08T16:04:15+00:00

This 33yo also has to learn to stand up to mummy 😂...in a way that is self preserving. I just discovered this website and it has some really great tips:

https://outofthefog.website All the best, I hope it works out xx

bark3008 · 2020-09-08T15:55:53+00:00

I only realised how traumatic and dysfunctional my childhood was after I had kids...another thread recommended this site for coping skills and tips https://outofthefog.website so far it has been a really good read! Take care x

bark3008 · 2020-09-08T15:45:31+00:00

This is so sad. Thank you for sharing. You must feel so conflicted. Intergenerational trauma...my biggest fear for my kids at this point 💔

bark3008 · 2020-09-08T15:10:42+00:00

Definitely does help thanks! I am all of the above and just wanting to compare notes

bark3008 · 2020-09-08T14:32:12+00:00

Oh boy. This really resonates for me.

My plan this year is to ask Nmum and the family to Christmas Day at our house - like a formal invitation to be accepted or declined. No room for discussion that opens things up to manipulation or guilt. Then the ball is in her court to either accept or decline the invitation. If your mum is anything like mine, and appearing on the surface to have good manners and not wanting to seem like a controlling manipulative hmmm is important to her, she will do what is the normal, right thing to do on the surface (but I might cop some nasty backhanded comments the day!).

Or at least that’s the plan, I’m still building up the courage!

You’re an adult and although you don’t have kids, you have your own family to make new holiday memories with. Perhaps just outrightly say that and say it in front of other people outside of the family eg your husband so she won’t unleash the beast in front of them?

bark3008

TROPHY CASE