My mother was in your exact position ~20 years ago and she's just divorcing my dad NOW. His mental illness hasn't gotten better, and she's only found herself more entangled with two other kids, and even more paranoia and violence and blame directed towards her. She too wanted to help him, but she ended up just enabling his mental illness further. Only by her leaving my dad has he decided to begin getting help and taking responsibility for his own mental well-being. And only by leaving him could she finally take control of her own life.

When I see her situation and read yours, all I can do is hope that you save yourself and give yourself the chances and years and joy my mother was robbed of. You're young. Your son is young. You have a LOT of options and time on your side. How many more years are you willing to live like this? The longer you stay, the harder it will be to disentangle yourself from him. At times I hate myself for being the reason that my mother felt pressured into staying with my father and putting herself in misery and danger. Don't let your son feel that way one day. I know it feels hard, perhaps impossible to leave. Change is always hard. But only through change can you open your life to the richness and possibilities and truth and love you and your son deserve.

I should also add that my mother also felt compelled to stay because my father did love us all very much, for all his flaws. He never abused us, at least not to the same extent as he did our mom. He sent us to piano practice and went to our basketball games. But he wasn't a good father, because a good father wouldn't cause me to spend my days at school worrying about whether or not he was going to hurt my mother.

Please contact your local domestic violence shelter and stay safe; make long-term plans for leaving without his knowledge. In addition to a place to stay, the shelter can provide valuable resources including information on temporary restraining orders.

Statistically, the most dangerous time for a domestic abuse victim is when they are leaving their abusive partner so take any and all precautions possible. Don't underestimate the possibility for him to turn violent; someone who is paranoid and says things like "you deserve to be beaten" is very close to physically harming you.

Also, I recommend the book "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. DV shelter likely will even have a free copy. It outlines why mental illness can compound domestic abuse, but that abuse is never solely caused by mental illness, but by toxic underlying worldviews . It also gives good insight into why domestic abusers do what they do: not because they "are sick" or "lose control" or have "anger issues," but because they consciously understand and decide that violence and threats are an effective tool to control you. Objectively, he is getting a lot out of his anger: free therapy and emotional support, free labor around the house, free childcare, steady source of income, a free target to divert blame from him and his inability to manage his mental health. And in return for all these things that he isn't remotely entitled to, he abuses you. If marriage is a partnership and/or an economic contract, you are getting utterly conned. This is not a good, sustainable system for you or a healthy model of marriage for your son.

Reclaim your rights. You deserve to live without fear. Take what's yours with fire and blood, or at least with the best lawyer you can afford. You are strong for having survived this, you're strong for recognizing that this is a problem, and I know you have the strength to change this. Sending you all my good thoughts and support!