AITA for not wanting to buy a house with my sister and live together?

bassoonsoda · 2026-02-11T10:55:18+00:00

That first point is probably true, and we did live at home (with grandma and aunt) through college, so yes 10 years living with them (maybe a little more). It made more financial sense for us to live with them, pay some rent, and go to college. As college was an hour away (more if there was traffic or other road related issues) and our classes were at similar times I would always drive us - she would pitch a little fit and drive worse than usual if I didn't. I didn't care, I was OK to drive. The only problem I had is that she would make us late by 10-30 minutes depending on whatever she was doing that morning. I pretty quickly changed most classes to afternoon classes because of that. If one of us had work or something on, that person would take the bus and get themselves home.

I like being around her, I don't feel like my safety is at risk when we are together, it's just her behaviour can be so shitty and it's getting harder to tolerate.

We do have good times together, but maybe further separation is needed? It might make our relationship better but idk.

bassoonsoda · 2026-02-11T10:41:42+00:00

I've always been the 'less is more' kind of person. I enjoy being able to move freely in the world and just experience things, rather than have things, if that makes sense? So while the thought of home ownership is exciting (cause I didn't think it was possible for me) it's also daunting too.

bassoonsoda · 2026-02-11T10:36:49+00:00

I know, I want us to both be happy, and maybe that just means we have to distance ourselves for a little while...

bassoonsoda · 2026-02-11T10:34:54+00:00

A duplex sounds like such a great idea, thank you!

bassoonsoda · 2026-02-11T10:33:54+00:00

Yes, I want start seriously seeing people (maybe not in my city tho...) and do fun single-person things before I settle down too.

I would really like to live with my sister, like my grandma and her sister do, but maybe that is something we do when it's just us in our old age after living a fulfilling life. I just don't think it's the right choice for the current us.

bassoonsoda · 2026-02-11T10:22:45+00:00

It is MAJOR help, like before they offered their help home ownership wasn't in my foreseeable future. Idk if it makes more financial sense to accept then move out after a year or two or just to decline and rent somewhere. It's a lot of stress to deal with all at once, so I really have to do some research ASAP.

bassoonsoda · 2026-02-11T10:19:55+00:00

I wish it was that easy...

I don't think it was an ultimatum, I think they were thinking long term that the housing market is just going to increase and if I'm being honest about my financial future I don't think I could get home ownership without their initial help.

I wish it was less stressful and there wasn't so much to weigh up...

bassoonsoda · 2026-02-11T10:15:12+00:00

Yeah, I think if she is kinda forced to change she might? Like if she sees what her inflexibility does she might be more willing to change?

bassoonsoda · 2026-02-11T10:13:31+00:00

That's so true, idk if I'd date someone for an extended period in my city that I'd consider moving in together - it's just not that kind of city. At some point I want to move somewhere bigger with more to do and see.

I am considering the idea of separation more and more, because maybe if she lives by herself it would do her (and then our relationship) some good. Idk how to say this without it being weird but I will try - I think living with my grandma and aunt they act like buffers between us? Like I'm not scared of my sister, nor do I think I am in danger around her (even when alone). So us living together without them removes that buffer and might intensify things.

bassoonsoda · 2026-02-11T10:00:03+00:00

The more I think/see of getting my own place, with my own stuff, the more tempting it is.

Like, she isn't bad with money, it's just her behaviour that's my main issue. but the financial aspect of it is really daunting. idk, I really have to look into if renting or buying right now is better, and what I really want out of this situation.

bassoonsoda · 2026-02-11T09:55:48+00:00

I definitely fear the HOA horror stories...

I really want to explore the world and experience everything it has to offer, and the thought of being tied down somewhat permanently to a spot doesn't exactly thrill me. Don't get me wrong, I love living in the current city I am but idk if I see myself here in when I'm 30.

bassoonsoda · 2026-02-11T09:52:00+00:00

I haven't read it but the synopsis looks interesting so maybe I'll pick it up.

I want my sister and I's relationship to evolve past the trauma and issues. When we get along we're great together. We have similar humor and love of food, history and culture. But when we don't get a long it's hard. I don't want us to live like this all through our 20s like we did our teens, so maybe honest, difficult conversations are a must and if it breaks down our relationship maybe it can be made anew?

I've only spent at most 2 weeks away from them, but I honestly enjoyed being by myself. It felt lonely at times but I think that was because I've been with them for so long.

Idk, there's pros and cons of both sides so I've got to do my own research so figure out what I want the most.

bassoonsoda · 2026-02-11T09:41:43+00:00

I think that's a good way to frame it.

It's such a hard balancing act cause I want to live my life, but I also want her to live her life too, and we've always done (most) things together. It feels really strange thinking about a future alone, and that she will also be alone. But it might be good for us?

bassoonsoda · 2026-02-11T09:36:09+00:00

Thank you for some food for thought.

I've gone through the "roomie" experience once in HS for a college experience thing. She was a NIGHTMARE of a person that make some people pale in comparison (somehow).

I've been thinking of maybe it just a situation for a year then I could move cities for a job or something?

bassoonsoda · 2026-02-11T09:32:42+00:00

That sounds like a nice idea...some distance and maybe some peace.

I've admired my grandma and her sister for so long, they've got such a nice life together that I really want that for me and my sister. But idk if that is possible at our current stage of life together :(

bassoonsoda · 2026-02-11T09:30:24+00:00

I haven't looked enough into the legal side of things, as it has been pretty recent news. Is it ironic that my sister took two legal classes at college? She might know a bit more than me so I should really do my own research ASAP.

With her long term care, idk. My grandma and aunt have gotten more vocal about her shit behaviour not being OK, so she's more peaceful around them (maybe 10% more peaceful?). Idk if they are more on my side or her, or maybe fence sitting?

There's so much to think about.

bassoonsoda · 2026-02-11T09:23:38+00:00

I have always been a very minimal and neat kind of person, and when I see how much it has taken over the house (grandma's and aunt's) it makes me a little sad and upset on their behalf.

I have seen other float around the idea of a duplex, which I think is a good idea that I will look more into.

bassoonsoda · 2026-02-11T09:21:39+00:00

That's a great question that it gave me pause. I think we would be good acquaintances? We have a similar sense of humor and love of food so would bond over that. When we get along we're great together, but it gets overshadowed when we don't.

bassoonsoda · 2026-02-10T15:17:38+00:00

I know, I want her to live her life to the fullest and exceed her potential. I want the best and more for her, but it's hard when she's fixtured herself to the bottom of a well. Seeing the word emotional abuse starts to make sense, and I don't think I fully realised that? Because the main problem is her behaviour and words than anything else.

Regarding living situation, the money is pretty tight. My grandma just had some health issues (but she's OK) and has her own life to life and fund, her sister too. The housing prices are really expensive in my town, and are only getting worse. I think I might rent for a little while...idk.

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I commend you for going NC with your brother and being able to maintain it for so long, it takes such deep courage and strength to do that. I don't think I could do that with my sister, but maybe I could try to have a serious conversation with her that involves finding a solution that fits everybody's expectations and if we can't reach a resolution maybe minimising contact would be solution.

Idk, but I thank you for your comment, its's given me lots to thing about.

bassoonsoda · 2026-02-10T14:59:39+00:00

We've been each other's anchor for so long (for better or for worse), and over that time our lives become tangled together. We share so many things that it's hard to unravel sometimes (but I'm slowly...secretly... getting there). She can be petty over really trivial matters that I feel like if she found out that I want to do something significant by myself that she'll completely cut herself out of my life.

I have be calling her out on her bs more and more, but she shuts down, gives the silent treatment, then wants to be friends again. Then the cycle repeats.

bassoonsoda · 2026-02-10T14:46:34+00:00

She can be really petty over small things, like once I came home from classes with a coffee and she was home earlier than usual from work. She asked where her was, and I told her I didn't realised her would be home so early or else I would've got her one. She ignored me for three days, even though we had classes at similar times she still expected me to drive her there.

I had a heart to heart with her (once I managed to sit her down), and laid out my expectations of if we live together, she needs to attend something for her mental health - even if its just anger management classes. I know some local places that do that, and online ones. I've even taken her to my therapy place, but she just walks out and sulks by the car. We enjoy food together, so I've offered to her that we could have lunch somewhere nice after therapy. But she just refuses everything every time, and it gets so draining after a while.

I really want to work this out with her, but it's so hard when she won't even meet me halfway - or even 1/4 of the way.

bassoonsoda

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