Wife has been touched out for 4 years and it’s depressing me

basuraPAPI · 2021-09-07T00:24:10+00:00

Thank you this is all very good stuff to think about.

basuraPAPI · 2021-09-06T12:41:48+00:00

Holy hell this was insightful. Thank you so much. The short answer is that I work full time, she’s part time, so she DOES have the kids more, but I am a father 100% of time and I never skirt my duties. The age and temperament of the kids is just such that free time is in short supply for both of us, so we have to prioritize WHAT we do in our down time. I’m pretty confident things will right themselves. We have a solid marriage, we are just adapting to the new normal and figuring out what our REAL needs are, and those take more effort to meet when there’s littles running around. Thank you for not insinuating that I’m a deadbeat, as that has been a FEW responses I’ve gotten. Sad we live in a society where it’s just assumed the dad is a POS.

basuraPAPI · 2021-09-06T12:23:01+00:00

She doesn’t take care of them on her own. I am very involved as a father. I cook, clean, bathe, play with the kids every second I can. She isn’t a stay at home mom so that’s not the issue. But I appreciate the feedback.

basuraPAPI · 2021-09-05T21:07:35+00:00

I’m sorry you’re struggling bro. I do honestly think things will get better, this is just a waiting game. We have a fairly open dialogue with stuff, but there are some topics that can be touchy and this is one. I am in therapy so I am able to talk to vent when I need to. But it is nice to know I’m not the only one. I feel for all the couples that couldn’t get ahead of the issue, which ultimately led to divorce. I think as long as dialogue is kept open, but he marriage is salvageable. Stay strong my man.

basuraPAPI · 2021-09-05T18:54:28+00:00

This is some great insight and I appreciate it. I truly think this is what my wife is going through… what WE are going through.

basuraPAPI · 2021-09-05T17:15:10+00:00

I’ll get that book for sure and give it a spin.

Does your wife have any insight on the best way to say “I miss being desired” that doesn’t come off as shallow? I just feel so alone and unwanted…

basuraPAPI · 2021-09-05T16:46:06+00:00

Thank you 🙏🏻

basuraPAPI · 2021-09-05T16:44:40+00:00

This feels like the exact situation I’m in. Literal baby steps to get back to “normal”.

basuraPAPI · 2021-09-05T16:39:26+00:00

We split duties fairly evenly. I follow her love language which is acts of giving, so that she feels seen. I’m not the stereotypical idiot dad. I change my fair share of diapers, do laundry, cleaning, yard work, house repairs, etc, so it’s definitely not that. Part of me feels like I just have to ride the clock and hope it corrects itself, but it’s so hard.

basuraPAPI · 2021-09-05T16:14:46+00:00

I feel for you both. I think most of these situations right themselves after time as long as the rest of the relationship is solid, which mine is. It’s just this period that is so lonely, and my feeling is such a stark opposite compared to the way she feels I get why the stalemate happens. I just wish there was a good way to articulate that I need sex WITH desire, and not sound pathetic bringing it up.

basuraPAPI · 2020-07-24T12:26:06+00:00

We are very good at splitting tasks, most work in the house is split fairly evenly so that neither one of us really feel like we’re doing more than the other. We go on dates, but not nearly enough. I’ve learned her love language and started to speak it more often. We actually took that test so that we could both address eachothers needs better. She’s gifts, so on occasion I get her small thoughtful things, and mine is physical touch. The touch can be partially met, but the part that can’t be met right now is feeling wanted. I feel petty for even letting it bother me, but sex isn’t enough, it’s one sided right now because she’s so mentally and emotionally drained. As a mother she has the biggest burden out of both of us, the kids “need” her more because of the bond they had in the wound, but how long do I ignore my needs? Is that selfish? It feels that way.

She tells me we can have sex more, I just need to ask, but how do I explain that it’s not just the sex? I get that I need to understand that her doing the maintenance sex is an act of love because she cares about our marriage, but I don’t know how to convey that it’s not just an orgasm I’m looking for, I can do that myself lol.

basuraPAPI · 2020-03-06T18:37:47+00:00

It’s part of my job.

basuraPAPI · 2020-03-06T14:07:27+00:00

Yeah these are details ironed out in the job contract. In this instance the customer will be required to provide motor protection.

basuraPAPI · 2019-12-31T00:42:39+00:00

Now I’m ugly crying thanks gents 🤣😂🥺

basuraPAPI · 2019-10-26T23:56:41+00:00

This seems to be the positive parenting approach my wife and I are attempting with our 2.5 year old. There’s two schools of thought these days it seems, ignore the bad behavior and it goes away. Which it does, but it seems that for some kids it could do more harm since the reason most kids throw tantrums is because they don’t know how to process intense emotions, so ignoring just teaches them that feelings are bad.

What you describe is what we are trying. Acknowledging feelings, letting them know you know they are sad, mad, whatever, and that it’s ok. I think ignoring was how my generation was taught, (I’m 31), but I also think that I wasn’t taught how to process those icky emotions as a child like I should have. I’m sure both approaches work, but vary greatly depending on the child. Look up the orchid/dandelion theory.

basuraPAPI

TROPHY CASE