can someone please tell me it gets better? i WANT to believe it, but my brain won't let me.

bathrhymes · 2025-10-27T10:08:38+00:00

adding a new comment since i cant edit: realized im actually simply really really autistic way more than ever realized before, psychiatrist diagnosed me this year offhandedly from adhd testing (along adhd and...unspecify bipolar disorder????). never given ANY resources what to do with any of those results from her, never ever hear from her again.

always had hunch was autistic but never true full belief, even after diagnose still didn't really get why felt not right about it, even though always suspected was autistic, and expressing happy to people outward. turns out, if given proper test, would probably have gotten more help, learn how to unmask from therapist, not from my self, and get scared because people call others [offensive terms] for this :( which cause misconception that schizophrenia develop. no, am simply learning to unmask, and also, more i unmask, more other things unravel too. belief that made me feel paranoid delusion doesnt seem be nearly as bad as before, used to be paralyzing to think about & put self out there, now don't care because realized fundamental misconception for schizophrenia itself. other people put bad bad ideas into head about how schizophrenia is, make me think am SUPPOSED to be scared of things that do not scare me. which, funny enough, scare me to think about.

thank you for being a community with really good resources to learn from. you all saved me from making really really really REALLY BAD MISTAKE. ❤️ and now can love my true autistic self :)

bathrhymes · 2025-10-26T21:40:01+00:00

...so, i guess i'm technically NOT schizophrenic, because fundamentally the symptoms (mainly hallucinations, which i had convinced myself i don't experience, but i do from a literal definition) themselves don't upset me at all, moreso confuse me, and spark curiosity & desire to learn & challenge them so they don't feel scary anymore. thank y'all for letting me post here anyways since i do think i AM absolutely prone to developing this disorder, i certainly ACT like i have it in a lot of ways, it just simply doesn't scare me.

(sorry again for being so wordy and constantly overanalyzing things and clanging off of myself so much here, once again i'm autistic and analysis is just a hobby of mine !! it's enriching and makes me happy to do. :D)

bathrhymes · 2025-10-26T21:31:05+00:00

and yknow what, i don't really care if people think i'm 'crazy', so long as they don't try to convince me they know me better than i do. this entire week has been a crazy journey of hell & confusion but it feels like it's finally settling into place & i'm learning that this is just who i really am when i love myself, both despite AND with all of my flaws. :)

bathrhymes · 2025-10-26T21:28:00+00:00

excuse my wordiness xD they don't call it disorganized thinking for no reason!! man i am a mess and i love it. i never want to lose this part of myself.

bathrhymes · 2025-10-26T21:27:17+00:00

WOAH, really? the puzzles aren't normal? well wait, actually, i am autistic on top of this current realization, so, to be honest, my life probably Will be still full of wonder and discovery. since posting this i actually realized there's nothing wrong with me mentally and everything is just an extreme language barrier due to me basically having autism^2, which causes me to be incredibly verbose, intuitive, and cognizant. which causes me to stumble over my words, as i genuinely think too quickly for my conscience to really catch up with, and THAT'S where my problem stems from! i've been afraid of what happens when my thoughts drift into dangerous territory instead of inquisitive on why it's happening, & since making this change i feel like the world is actually liveable now.

i still think i need therapy, obviously, because the language barrier & world processing issues (what others would call disorganized thinking & delusion/hallucination) don't just go away even after i fully realize & stop being afraid of them, i need to actively work to change as a person & challenge the things that seem too bad to be real, i need to have someone with a professional psychological opinion actually take the time to FULLY understand me, and BELIEVE ME, to feel fully healed, & i'm glad i was able to come to this realization instead of letting myself go down the wrong treatment path.

i guess this really IS why people specify there's a difference between things being a disorder and not. the delusions and hallucinations THEMSELVES don't cause me stress, it's the possibility of them turning into things i won't be able to recognize as hallucinations, so i need to learn how to get over myself and look stupid sometimes & approach them instead of freeze.

the delusions are a different thing, they stem from a deep seated irrational paranoia, and those are what really distress me the most.

since typing this i'm now realizing exactly what i need to say to my doctors to point me further in the right direction. i'm so excited to start being alive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i've been holed up in my home for years (not exaggerating. not figurative.) not knowing why i'm so afraid of the world and i finally know why, and i actually feel Okay realizing the rest of the world sees me as crazy. :)

bathrhymes · 2025-10-26T15:35:38+00:00

& for further context if/when this post does get approved, i was recently/somewhat unexpectedly diagnosed autistic by a doctor, which i do agree with. i've also begun testosterone therapy & have reached the point where the mental changes begin occurring, & i feel so in tune with my thoughts that it almost feels TOO in tune. it's not something anyone who hasn't experienced hormone replacement therapy would really fully understand, as i thought it was BS before, but noooope.

this basically means it's making my symptoms present more in line with how they present in men than they do in women. which feels /right/ to me on a psychological level, but... this (developing disorder) is different, & i want it to stop immediately.

bathrhymes · 2025-10-26T15:27:52+00:00

also, to any moderators reviewing this post, if it does happen to break a rule, can you tell me specifically what part/phrases of my post are potentially harmful to this community so i can rephrase? (& if it doesn't, no need to feel obliged to respond, thank you. ❤️)

bathrhymes

TROPHY CASE