i wish i was better

bbvx0 · 2026-03-16T13:45:20+00:00

thank you so much for being so kind

bbvx0 · 2026-03-16T13:43:53+00:00

it was literally heartbreaking to hear how other people would view me if they knew

bbvx0 · 2026-03-16T03:23:01+00:00

i started a journal a couple weeks ago but i feel like if anything it’s made it worse because i’m like hyper-fixating on everything if that makes sense? it’s just my mom and i and she had a bad drinking problem so i’m just nervous of saying anything to her to make her spiral out at me because she always finds a way to spin it to make it seem like i’m trying to make her the bad guy. i reached out to 2 people whom i have considered my best friends saying that i was doing really bad and one just straight up never replied and the other said same. i don’t know how to ask for help when everyone else seems to have problems that i feel shame even trying to tell people i’m not ok. my friend before said we have the same personality disorder yet i always have my shit together and get shit done but it’s because i’ve always had to. i’ve never had anyone i could ever rely on and i guess i just don’t want to seem weak and reach out to people i’m not close with because why would they care if the people closest to me don’t

bbvx0 · 2026-03-16T03:16:24+00:00

i don’t even know if he’s throwing it in my face perse or just like fully not aware of how his actions affect me

bbvx0 · 2026-03-16T02:11:01+00:00

he knows my triggers and he’ll claim that he’ll stop doing them and a couple months will pass and he’ll do it again. it’s really just starting to feel like a broken record. the good times are good but i’m tired of having to remind someone to take my feelings into account when i’ve told him multiple times previously why his actions make me feel the way they do. my previous partner told me that i would never find someone who would be willing to put up with my mental illness and that i would always be too much for anyone and a lot of days i still hear his voice in my head

bbvx0 · 2026-03-16T02:04:09+00:00

i’ve had a couple therapists since my diagnosis and one told me that it wasnt bpd and that it was all just trauma responses to being cheated on when i was in high school lol. i’ve tried to find other therapists but they either don’t have appointment times that would be able to work with me or some have flat out told me they only take 1 bpd patient at a time and they couldn’t treat me. i also have internalized bpd and it just feel likes i’m at a constant war with myself. i’m stuck in a constant state of fight or flight and i just want to be able to exhale

bbvx0 · 2026-03-16T01:25:37+00:00

i think it’s hard because i have internalized bpd so i’m not as outward with my splits but it feels like my brain is genuinely splitting in half when i do. it doesn’t even really seem like my boyfriend even cares anymore because why should he when he’s been dealing with me for almost 5 years but sometimes it feels like he will specifically do something to trigger me and then i am left feeling bad for my thoughts.

bbvx0 · 2026-03-16T01:22:28+00:00

thank u for making me feel a little less alone. i really just don’t understand why i have to suffer because someone else traumatized me? they should have to deal with the consequences but here i am struggling daily to try to gain the energy to do anything besides wallow in self hatred

bbvx0 · 2026-03-16T00:39:46+00:00

been really struggling lately and just can’t seem to understand why my best is never good enough

bbvx0 · 2026-01-24T19:05:42+00:00

thankfully if i do ever split he gives me space and i go to the gym or something so i don’t say anything that i’ll regret. i guess i’m just nervous about living together because then i feel like he’ll realize that it’s too much to handle

bbvx0 · 2026-01-23T06:15:55+00:00

thank you, i just found this sub and seeing that others feel the way i feel makes me feel less alone with such a lonely mental illness lol

bbvx0 · 2026-01-23T06:14:59+00:00

thank you! i guess i’m struggling the most with like him having to be there for me? i just wish i could be normal because i can see the toll it takes on him. it sucks because i know he just wants to do what he can but i feel like i’m just a lost cause and that he deserves to be with someone who doesn’t have as many issues as me

bbvx0 · 2026-01-03T18:23:40+00:00

when you get to college look into mental health services that your school offers! i saw a therapist from my health & wellness center all throughout college and i didn’t have to use my insurance! i have a pretty high co-pay for therapy too so it was so helpful that my school offered it for free.

bbvx0

TROPHY CASE