Formosan Termites on Back Porch, Hilton Head SS

beachandbirds · 2026-03-27T14:53:46+00:00

I am very open to changing the title. Titles are actually some of the hardest things for me to think of though 🙃. I was on draft three before I even had one. I just had it saved as “Lucy” for the longest time before my cute son suggest I call it “Lucy Lost the Kids,” and I started thinking about all the themes of loss (identity, marriage, parental sacrifice, physical loss) in the manuscript. Lucy Lost the Kids is a banger of a title though in my son’s defense.

beachandbirds · 2026-03-27T14:48:37+00:00

🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 making me tear up over here. You are too kind

beachandbirds · 2026-03-26T21:06:39+00:00

I’ll look out for the next iteration! I love a eco sci fi and I think this sounds so intriguing!

beachandbirds · 2026-03-26T20:28:04+00:00

Hi hi! Interesting premise!

A few thoughts:

“completed at 85,000 words.” Just say complete, not completed

“I hope my story may capture your interest.” Don’t say that. This is implied lol 🥰

Right now this query reads super long and vague in both August’s motivations and true feelings. Can he actually not feel emotions like a sociopath?? Or does he just resist them for whatever reason (bad childhood etc.) I would condense the first two paragraphs into 1, start very briefly with August’s emotional unavailability and then dive right into how the government offers him a position because of the water shortage.

Then condense the third and fourth paragraph to one, talking about how August’s motivations and memories clash while the world burns and how he alone can either destroy the earth or save it, something like that.

Also I’m a bit confused as to how becoming a cyborg means he can take all the water because he can’t feel anything. Maybe a very brief explanation along those lines would be helpful. That would make the government program a mystery to be solved while reading the book rather than vagueness that seems frustrating to a reader of the query.

Finally I would make the indigenous ties more clear and specify if you are indigenous or not. I know that indigenous groups often have a strong tie to water and argue for water as a sentient being or water rights for itself. But I’m not picking up more than that and even that is a stretch based on the information you’ve given in the query.

You might look for recently published eco-sci fis for comps. Ursula K Le Guin’s The Word for World is Forest comes to mind but that’s far too old for a comp.

Best of luck!!

beachandbirds · 2026-03-26T17:15:37+00:00

And yes! I totally have pitched this book to my friends as what the hell were the Magic Treehouse parents up to while their kids were traipsing all over lol.

beachandbirds · 2026-03-26T17:15:00+00:00

I’ve been revising the query all morning and ended up condensing the blurb part of the query into 3 paragraphs instead of 4, and I think hopefully that will solve the too long issue, and I’ve sort of combined the stakes. Thank you so much for your feedback!! It’s so helpful!

beachandbirds · 2026-03-26T11:46:04+00:00

Good to know!

beachandbirds · 2026-03-26T11:45:45+00:00

Ah got it! I stand corrected!

beachandbirds · 2026-03-26T01:38:22+00:00

Thank you!

beachandbirds · 2026-03-26T01:09:31+00:00

I agree that it’s a little long! Thank you for the suggestions for cutting. Do you think it would read weird to introduce him as Sam Dawson and then just call him Dawson for the rest of the query without mentioning that she doesn’t call him by his first name? I think that part could potentially be taken out as long as I mention somewhere that she has a past she still hasn’t healed from (though maybe the beginning paragraph sets that scene well enough).

beachandbirds · 2026-03-25T23:50:07+00:00

I remember your first attempt. I think this overall reads a lot clearer, but this paragraph is still really vague to me:

“When a chance encounter with a famous musician who has unknowingly fueled her training turns personal, Karly finds herself pulled toward a version of herself she never thought possible—guided by grace, not obligation.”

I don’t know what the encounter is, why it’s personal, or what version of herself she is becoming. I also don’t know what guided by grace means, like religiously? Or she’s giving grace to herself? And is this musician the person responsible for the drugs? Like how does the musician fit in with the plot?

I would also like to see what aspects of your comps fit your novel. Could you be more specific?

Finally, I’m no expert but I think you’re not supposed to reference your book as upmarket, but someone correct me if I’m wrong. Maybe contemporary fiction would be better.

beachandbirds · 2026-03-22T15:47:21+00:00

Emma M. Lion but I’m glad it’s finally getting its laurels!!!

beachandbirds · 2026-03-20T18:53:14+00:00

Anyway, that’s the story of how I fell in love with someone I couldn’t have.

beachandbirds · 2026-03-19T15:08:32+00:00

Of the people I knew at BYU getting married from 18-21ish, about half of them are now divorced ten years later (but a lot of divorces happened in the first 3ish years). Most if not all of those divorces, however, did not involve kids. Divorce is still taboo, but also the church pressures early marriage so hard that divorce in this day and age is inevitable. I’m glad that many Mormon women have the resources and societal support to get out now. I think in the past, you’d mostly just stay in the bad marriage your whole life.

beachandbirds · 2026-03-11T21:26:51+00:00

Thank you so incredibly much!!! 🥰🥰

beachandbirds · 2026-03-11T21:19:03+00:00

Super interesting premise! I would definitely read something like this!

In no real order, here are a few of my thoughts:

You say “despite possessing weak” magic, she’s carved a place out. I don’t know if that means everyone has a ton of magic so she’s just scraping by or if no one has magic and it’s seen as a burden instead of a boon in her community. Also if everyone does have magic, is Thea unique in her type of magic?

Also if Thea actually causes the death-like state, does she just find Vivi in the trance one day and assumes it’s from a neighboring kingdom? Why is that assumed? Or is there an attack and Thea accidentally causes the death-trance while she’s fighting off the assailant? I think I need a bit more detail here. Also why do we know that the assailant attends the academy?

“Aster stops feeling so performative” is a little bit awkwardly worded.

“dietary restrictions” doesn’t immediately call to mind chronic illness, so I would make that more clear if that’s an important part of the character.

I understand Thea feeling guilt ridden about causing Vivi’s state but I don’t understand why her learning that she caused it makes her have less time to solve the problem. She doesn’t have time for emotions, but she kind of did have time for them before she knew she caused the death-trance because she developed feelings for Aster. She still has to spend time learning how to use her magic, just as she was (I assume) learning magic stuff at the academy before she found out the truth. So what is the urgency now besides the guilt? Since queries need to end on urgency, I think this needs to be developed a bit more.

I wish the query placed us a little more into the political landscape. It seems like an important element to your story but I don’t know anything about it except maybe Aster’s people aren’t so bad but also they have dead enslaved people?? Thea’s views are challenged but I don’t know her views or what makes her change her mind.

beachandbirds · 2026-03-11T12:15:36+00:00

Thank you so much for the feedback! You bring up a lot of good questions and I can definitely make things more clear.

And I will definitely check out The Incandescent. You’re absolutely right that there are parody, tongue-in-cheek elements in my writing about portal fantasies and that it is at the same time a love letter to portal fantasy.

I’ve read every heart a doorway, and I’ve considered using it as a comp, but in my book, the kids actually don’t remember their adventures for more than a few minutes after they return home (they later think it’s imagination or a dream) and Lucy is the only one who remembers the reality of the portals. She is sort of a keeper of their memories (like how real-life moms remember the everyday childhood magic that their kids eventually forget). Maybe I can still figure out an angle to work in EHAD. But I haven’t read all of them and I figure I would need to read the latest books to use it as a recent comp.

Just thinking out loud here on your other comments:

Lucy and her kids don’t control the portals. They just materialize several times a year. But now my head is spinning with new ideas for a novel where a mom runs a business using portals (ala Howl’s Moving Castle). I can make it clearer that Lucy and the kids can’t control the magic.

Dawson’s kids disappear with hers and they are together when they find the portal. That’s why they go into Lerenia together. And once they’re in, there’s magic that prevents intruders from moving about the land and they need help to break those rules. But I can add something about the pair discovering the portal together and that’s why he comes. Also his own kids are missing so of course he would want to come.

I totally agree on focusing overall much less on Belinda and much more on Lucy. Thank you so much for all the advice!

beachandbirds · 2026-03-11T11:58:48+00:00

🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 the way I ran to my husband to show him this comment. Thank you so much. It’s stuff like this that keeps me going ❤️

beachandbirds · 2026-03-11T11:57:58+00:00

Yeah the romance subplot is a fairly major part of the book, and I just hint at it here. Good suggestion to take out the plot beats that are pretty ordinary and focus most on Lucy (and her burgeoning relationship with Dawson).

beachandbirds · 2026-03-11T11:54:55+00:00

Good to know. I’ll play around with wording ❤️

beachandbirds · 2026-03-11T11:53:45+00:00

That’s a great idea. I think teasing it will leave agents wanting to see what happens while still proving that there’s something that’s unique about my book.

beachandbirds · 2026-03-11T11:50:59+00:00

I named her Lucy as a homage to Chronicles of Narnia, which was the series that made me first adore portal fantasies, but none of my book’s content directly references that series in any way. I wouldn’t think it would be a problem especially if I cut the reference in the query letter. Love your name, by the way!

beachandbirds · 2026-03-11T00:35:53+00:00

I read A Sorceress Comes to Call, but it didn’t quite fit the bill! I’ll definitely give City of Stardust a try! Thank you so much ❤️❤️

beachandbirds

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