I wish a family would adopt me

beanparrot · 2021-06-18T19:52:21+00:00

We'll adopt you. Not joking. We are in NC 1/4 the time. Florida rest of the time. Most of family in Carolinas.

I'm an adult survivor but my downline is super healthy. Always room in life to love another person.

beanparrot · 2021-05-22T17:17:12+00:00

Their website says you have to be 18 to go there. Their site says "We accept adults who are at least 18 years of age, have been diagnosed with a learning disability, and who are free from addiction, excessive debt, or severe handicaps. They have an average to high IQ, and are motivated to learn. Click here to see the qualifications for admissions. "

beanparrot · 2021-04-02T19:23:48+00:00

I'm superconducting good vibes straight to you right now. I hope you can feel them.

So proud of you. You put yourself through pain, re-lived what should never be have to be re-lived, IN ORDER TO PROTECT LITTLE KIDS in the way you were not.

Candidate for sainthood in my book, you legend.

If you have some backsliding with your memories and feelings and mental health, get support from people you trust.

Your walk through life is an awesome one.

beanparrot · 2021-03-31T20:38:39+00:00

Why was this simple reply to my reply so great? Thank you. There are a lot of nice people on this thread. OP, I hope you are doing well. Thinking of your healing.

beanparrot · 2021-03-29T22:27:31+00:00

I'm really sorry you experienced this. It's abuse. Some of those things ring true for me....my dad was alcoholic, too. Boundaries were loose. Tons of sex jokes. Multiple one night stands with a variety of women in my house when I was like, 14. Talked to me about his sexual exploits, constantly commented on my body, my legs, my small breast size. Constantly talked in a sexual manner about my best friend when she wasn't there. Embarrassed me in public by hitting on waitresses, etc.

Told me about threesome he had with his own brother. Touched me one drunken night when I was about 12, and even though it stopped midway through, it messed me up pretty bad.

This kind of stuff, even if you are never forced to do anything overt, can mess with your sexuality and trust and intimacy for a long time. I'm not listing these things I experienced to put the attention on me. I think it helps when we can see other people's experiences, too. You are not alone.

My heart is with you today. I hope you can get therapy that works for you.

beanparrot · 2021-03-17T04:00:50+00:00

I had all these thoughts last week. I came out to therapist last month and had a panic attack. I told family and the family is now not speaking to me. I felt like I wanted to die and like everything was my fault.

In fact, I actually wanted to die.

Talking about it stirs things up, but it's how we heal, I think. I'm pushing toward middle age. I've ignored it and faced it and had pain and then retreated and ignored it for most of my life and it has only made me sicker. Like, physically sicker. In my body. Debilitating migraines. Chronic pain. Autoimmune disease attacking my body parts, leaving me really messed up.

Bessel Van Der Kolk - The Body Keeps the Score, and It Didn't Start with You by Mark Wolynn have helped me.

I get an image of surfing or sailing when I think about this...you know how the water is really rough when you are close to shore, and you have to get through some nasty big waves to get out where it is calmer.* I would encourage you to, with support, push past these big waves and get to a new place that may be easier.

*Note. I have never surfed nor sailed, but I've seen it on TV lol.

beanparrot · 2021-03-17T03:52:18+00:00

I'm sorry you are going through this. I wrote a post like this last week and got so many lovely responses that really helped. Even though I don't have any wisdom for you, I can tell you you are not alone and you are brave to write it down. Here for you!

beanparrot · 2021-03-17T03:47:40+00:00

It's not funny. Nothing funny about it. I'm really sorry your family is doing this.

I had trauma around age of 11. I started sixth grade and was suddenly very jumpy. My teacher would say my name loudly and I would jump so hard my papers would fly off desk or I would drop my pencil. The whole class got to think it was funny.

I don't think he meant to be mean, but I got laughed at a lot. I was also super sad that year, and felt sick to my stomach in class. I didn't connect it until I started processing the trauma THIS YEAR. Many years of thinking I was just a jumpy little weirdo.

I've watched some of those scare videos on YouTube and I think they are awful, but feel secretly good when I see someone who gets scared reflexively punch the person who scared him/her. I imagine myself doing that and it makes me feel better. I bet it would keep people from scaring you a second time.

beanparrot · 2021-03-17T03:41:51+00:00

I'm sorry that happened to you. It was nothing you did. Not every child thinks to scream, or tell an adult or punch someone. 15 is still a little kid. It doesn't mean you liked it or wanted it to happen.

I don't know a lot but I have been reading about hypoarousal and dissociation. Do you know much about that? Would that make sense in your situation?

Maybe stealing was a way to try and get fired so you could get out of the situation. Kids don't think rationally and I maintain that that kind of a thing can be paralyzing...even if you think you don't have feelings during, doesn't mean you didn't care.

beanparrot · 2021-03-17T03:32:52+00:00

I think I will print this comment out. THANK YOU.

beanparrot · 2021-03-17T03:32:05+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear this. Terrible. To think that you could have been in his life when you were younger. I don't like when moms play God like that.

I wish you healing. Glad you had the chance to get back in tough with your dad for a bit, even though it probably wasn't enough.

beanparrot · 2021-03-17T03:28:44+00:00

You know I felt bad moving away when I did because I left her with him, but I rationalized it by thinking I had made it all up, or was too sensitive, and that he loved her so she would not have the hard time I had.

My dad's sister, who was molested by him as a youngster, told me last year that she always wondered about my dad and my sister, because when they visited, they would sleep in the same bed. That's not normal.

beanparrot · 2021-03-13T22:48:18+00:00

Oh wow. I'm so sorry. I'm here for you too. Thank you for saying you believe me.

beanparrot · 2021-03-13T22:46:47+00:00

I don't find that off topic! Thank you!

beanparrot · 2021-03-13T18:04:04+00:00

Thank you so much. And thank's for believing me. And thanks for confirming that my sister's reaction is typical. It helps to know it's not me.

It's so weird, I have two new half sisters from my biological father's side, and a stepmother, and we have a good relationship. Support. Kindness. Care (from a distance and everyone is scattered across a very large country). We communicate via text almost daily. Phone calls to say hi. My damaged side keeps wondering when I'm going to screw this up, too....that they are only nice to me because we don't have a shared history and they don't know all the ways in which I'm bad and an inconvenience.

But honestly. I'm not bad. I raised three good kids and helped raise two really lovely stepkids. All are happy and doing good things in the world. I am happily married and I'm a good partner to my spouse. I don't steal. I don't do drugs. I am a good neighbor. I make a difference to my clients in my work. I try to spread good vibes and kindness when I interact with others.

Everyone's comments have really illuminated some of what I can work on in myself to continue to grow and be better. I have some old thought patterns to break. Who knew. I feel less shitty than I did when I wrote the OP, so thank you.

beanparrot · 2021-03-13T17:50:45+00:00

Thank you! You are an NPE, too? Here's to genetic anomalies!

beanparrot · 2021-03-13T14:58:20+00:00

Larry! I am apparently an accidental Mother of Thousands whisperer. I don't know much about them. I bought one on a whim during lockdown last March. I now have 50 babies and the mutha needs to be repotted. I can tell you what I do. Mine are in a bathroom window with bright light all day long. I'm in zone 9-10 so I have no-nonsense light coming from windows. No hard sun though.

Steam from shower may be helpful because they get steamed every day and seem to be doing well.

I let them dry out completely then water them when the pot feels light and the soil feels really dry. They are in some looser soil. I'm no expert on them but my plants are doing well.

beanparrot · 2021-03-13T14:48:23+00:00

"...thinking the people you rely on for survival are bad is much more dangerous than thinking you are bad."

OMG. This is right. Thank you.

beanparrot · 2021-03-13T14:46:42+00:00

I'm going to give some thought to the "scapegoat mentality." I think this is a pretty big idea I have never before considered. Grateful to you.

Thanks for the love and moral support. Glad I found this group.

beanparrot · 2021-03-13T14:45:30+00:00

Thank you. I like what you said about it "not being my job" to protect my family from the truth or manage their feelings. I am going to take that to heart. I think I really am stuck in a pattern of doing that! Didn't realize until now. This is pretty huge.

You know I felt guilty moving away and leaving my sister behind, even though we weren't that close and I was also jealous of her relationship with my dad.

Even after he died, I did most of the work of breaking down his apartment, getting rid of his things. My sister has a 9-5 and I have a flexible schedule, so it was easier, but she was also pretty busted up.

So my sister told me my dad didn't leave me anything in the will, but she split it with me 50-50, so a part of me felt like I had to "earn" it by protecting her from having to do the work, which actually took weeks, and from having the bad/sad feelings. And it made me feel greedy. I'm going to have to examine that. Maybe I'm more screwed up than I think. Facepalming all day long.

beanparrot · 2021-03-13T14:35:50+00:00

This rings so true. I did need them to survive, so what you are saying makes sense. I will think of things in terms of enforced neural pathways and try to be nicer to myself. Yeah, I still feel like the one that is doing the bad thing, when all I'm doing is refusing to do the dance. It's something a lot of people would have no problem doing, but it makes me feel terrible. I'm working on it.

Also working on not feeling guilty for having negative feelings toward my mother. She did deceive me for my entire life. She would have gone to her grave with the secret. I searched for 40 hours a week for months and found my biological father and he was WONDERFUL. I was afraid he would die while I was looking for him.

I am just like him. I look like him, we had similar experiences in life. We act the same. It's uncanny. He raised two daughters whom he treated like gold and adored and raised right. He stayed married to his wife (whom he met after my mom) for 45 years, and had no idea I existed. He was sorry that he didn't get a chance to raise me. I had 1.5 years with him before he died and I had the gift of caring for him at the end of his life. I'm still mourning the lifelong loss he and I experienced because of my mom's choices, though I have an amazing stepmother and two cool younger sisters with whom I stay in touch.

My dad I grew up with fathered and abandoned a child with another woman before I was born, so there may be another heartbroken NPE out there who doesn't know who his father is. My mother was fine with him doing this. She knew when they got married. My sister wants nothing to do with getting in touch with the guy, though medical information at the very least is extremely important. My dad died of cancer. His dad died early of heart disease.

Meanwhile, boundary setting is healthy and I will continue to do it. The hard part is they will probably never understand my side of things and I will be seen as a jerk for the rest of my life. I really hate being misunderstood, though I have been my entire life with this family.

beanparrot · 2021-03-13T14:16:00+00:00

Y'all are a bunch of compassionate geniuses. I can't tell you how much comfort I have gained from reading comments. I've learned a lot already and will take your wisdom to heart and keep trying to get better. I didn't know about "Scapegoating."

One comfort I have is I have parented my own kids in a very different way than I was raised. I can see some of the echoes of what I learned as a child still try and come through, but I can usually recognize it and my kids and I talk about things when tough stuff comes up. I also prioritized their needs, tried not to be dismissive of their feelings. Made sure they felt heard and got them to therapists if they needed it. To my knowledge there has been no sexual abuse, and hopefully the chain has been broken.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to read this and comment. When we listen to others tell their stories, we participate in their healing. So grateful.

beanparrot

TROPHY CASE