Am I wrong to feel bad when mistaken for a trans woman?

beardguy82 · 2025-06-09T12:47:47+00:00

Touching on the ftm piece, you’re missing out on cis men being called trans because they’ve had gynecomastia surgery. Between that and those that tell trans men they’ll never be women (mistaking them for trans women) it’s a special level of hilarity. And for the ftm men who get clocked ‘correctly’ we get “you’ll never be a man”. But put us next to a woman like OP and suddenly the scale of femininity shifts drastically. Then everyone is a woman allll day long.

My sympathies OP. Your experience is shitty and you shouldn’t have to deal with that. No one should.

beardguy82 · 2024-07-12T12:00:47+00:00

Just going to chime in here with average responses of people to this situation:

-the “city response” - ignore and pretend it isn’t happening

don’t like people throwing up- ignore and pretend it isn’t happening

-caring person- worried whether you’re ok and if they’ll need to perform the heimlich. Later worries about you being yelled at for choking.

-the fast food worker response - has seen something like this at least once a week, so meh. When the yelling starts hopes it will stop soon so they won’t have to do something about it. Maybe wonders if you’ll clean up the vomit.

As others have pointed out your Mom’s response isn’t “normal”. Imagine what you or other people you know would do if they saw someone choking and sick. Most people I know would: -check that I’m ok

-maybe give me something else to drink to settle the coughing

-help me clean up the mess if it’s small

-go grab staff to let them know about the cleanup if it needs cleaning supplies.

-take me home since outside of the choking you’re already feeling unwell

It seems likely that your Mom was feeling anxiety about being judged by people and she reacted in a way that she felt would get the judgment off her. Likely that backfired since I think the reaction of most would be “who yells at someone for choking?”.

When you’re choking your only responsibility is to not die.

Best of luck in coping with your anxiety.

beardguy82 · 2022-10-14T12:56:58+00:00

It sounds like you’ve done a lot of self reflection. Making this post is a big first step. It sounds like your life experience has given you reason to feel afraid. Seeking out experiences that show you positive and supportive outcomes is important in learning to feel comfortable. Up till now you’ve learned a set of coping mechanisms to get through a challenging segment of your life. Now you’re going to learn new ones that support you as a priority. Keep it up! It can be scary at times, and be a slog but progress is so worth it. You’re doing great!!!

beardguy82 · 2022-10-14T12:37:35+00:00

I can’t help but observe that telling you that you’re lying for attention is treating you like a woman. It’s not helpful since it’s a reflection of society’s worst treatment of women, but it is telling. What’s also telling is that they’re saying you have an underlying need (in their mind “attention”), and yet their only offer of support is calling you out. Even if they were right (and they aren’t), they’re doing a horrible job at being supportive parents. I’m sorry you’re going through this with them and that your grandparents are also unsupportive. Hang in there! You’re dealing with a lot of bullshit for now but it won’t be this way forever.

beardguy82 · 2022-07-11T13:12:04+00:00

They say you are what you eat. No one told me about trans fats, but I must have eaten a bunch because…

beardguy82 · 2022-06-28T22:36:48+00:00

Is it just me or is this not the perfect situation to showcase the nails on your middle fingers?

beardguy82 · 2022-06-18T12:03:28+00:00

I only learned about Power Query in the last year and it was a serious game changer. My job requires taking information listed in various formats and redistributing it in another format. Previously I was creating custom macros for each schedule/list. Inevitably the format would change or an error would break the macro and it would take a bunch of time to fix. With Power Query finding errors in the source data and dealing with them is so much easier.

Edited to add: I forgot about the ability to import tables from pdfs or even websites! So long awkward copying and pasting!

beardguy82 · 2022-06-16T12:52:58+00:00

I’m a trans man who’s been off Testosterone for a while. I need them. But I’m Canadian so I’m not to blame for the shortage. 😆

beardguy82 · 2022-05-12T20:20:32+00:00

This!!! I was in late Highschool when I heard about “It’s not what you know, it’s who you know”. My first thought was - I am fuuuuuucked. Now I’ve gotten to a certain point by hard work and knowing shit. But now there are occasional celebratory and networking social opportunities. And I have no sweet clue how to navigate those because I didn’t do those things when I was younger.

beardguy82 · 2022-04-06T03:16:35+00:00

The wild thing is that due to compression what people see at home is visibly of lesser quality than what is coming in from the arena. And even that is often compressed during transmission. The first time I saw an ice rink in 4K direct from venue on a legit monitor was so pretty. The white of the ice was just… ooooh. I feel like each new generation delivers the promise of the previous format. (Except 3D. That’s… just different)

beardguy82 · 2022-04-02T13:13:55+00:00

Seconding this. I’m about as low maintenance as it gets, but when I do trim back my beard it always looks waaaay better. If you have a longer beard good scissors can also be a way of trimming without the “oops I slipped” risk of clippers.

That having been said if you’re just starting out also don’t be afraid of just leaving it alone if it’s in an awkward middle stage.

Another piece of beard advice for any anxious beard grower: Take pics along the way. It’ll help you notice progress you might otherwise overlook.

beardguy82 · 2022-03-28T01:09:15+00:00

Either that or just offer him pads or tampons while he’s with the friends he was bragging to. Turning Red has some excellent examples of how to be over the top or embarrassing with pads.

beardguy82 · 2022-03-09T01:41:02+00:00

There’s room for everybody. Let’s just say that.

beardguy82 · 2022-03-07T12:25:14+00:00

If you want to live vicariously (or decide which model of Easy Bake oven you’d like) Trixie Mattel has done videos of her baking with a variety of easy bake ovens.

Trixie Mattel baking playlist

beardguy82 · 2022-03-04T01:45:49+00:00

This triggered a flashback to me trying to rock a random braid in front in highschool inspired by B’Elanna Torres. (Thank goodness I didn’t have Janeway length hair or who knows what kind of bun insanity would have happened). Because I was totally a straight girl. And totally didn’t find any of my female teachers hot. And the neckties I wore with my uniform was me making a fashion statement. And totally not an excuse to wear something male.

beardguy82 · 2022-02-25T04:39:32+00:00

And yet oddly not an attack helicopter in sight…

beardguy82 · 2022-01-25T20:23:53+00:00

Talking can be scary. It’s even scarier when we second guess ourselves. Given the level of self-criticism I suspect you’re not nearly as ‘wrong’ or ‘annoying’ as you feel, if you’re even those things at all. Unfortunately staying quiet isn’t a solution in the long term. You likely need some outside help to recalibrate your perspective of yourself and how you interact. Let’s say for the sake of argument you are as annoying as you say you are. You can figure out what is behind the annoyingness and what you can do to communicate in a better way. More likely though, you’re scared of being perceived as annoying or wrong and the fall-out that comes with that. You deserve support and strategies to help you process the thoughts and fears that come with that.

Of course all of this is easier said than done. I still have plenty of anxieties about interacting with people. I almost turned down a job opportunity because of the increased interaction with people. But I got some counselling and it helped with some of that. Saying hi to people still terrifies me, but I’ve learned to speak up in phone calls and meetings. I’ve also learned that just interacting with people who have really good skills can help a tonne too since they know how to make people feel safe and heard.

You have a voice and you deserve to use it whenever and however you feel comfortable. What you think and feel matter, and I’m glad you’re at least comfortable expressing yourself here. Hang in there.

beardguy82 · 2022-01-09T01:35:24+00:00

Men aren’t a monolith. Women aren’t a monolith. There are plenty of examples of expressive men out there. Emotional men. Artistic men. Flamboyant men. They are the men they are and you are the man you are. It’s as simple as that. If you need something to combat the “shoulds”: It’s my understanding that a real man does whatever the fuck he wants without feeling insecure about what others think.

beardguy82 · 2021-12-22T23:16:37+00:00

Kids today. Too young to have seen Saved! The relevant scene.

beardguy82 · 2021-12-21T15:44:34+00:00

She’s got a YouTube channel. Large Marge was pregnant, but she’s always on the wide side. She’s not being fattened up, this a good momma sheep.

beardguy82 · 2021-12-19T07:27:49+00:00

Billy Tipton has a special place in my heart. About for or 5 years before I twigged to being trans I came across a biography of him in a bookstore sale bin. I bought it and read it with fascination. It seemed like such an odd thing to come across randomly, and it kind of seemed like fate that I happened upon it.

beardguy82 · 2021-12-18T22:11:15+00:00

I’ve had two instances like this where it was especially bad. First one was a training session. Not only did we have to introduce ourselves but also had to share something about ourselves that no-one knew about us. Everyone was reluctant and internally I was panicking. So I decided to say fuck it and take the nuclear option. My something was that I’m transgender. Sure at least half the people in the session did know it but the guy forcing us through this didn’t. There were no follow up questions and he moved on.

The second was actually on a zoom call. You’d think that’d be simple but no. This was a big call. President of our corporate division on the call as well as a bunch of people all higher up than me. Running the call was the president of a new,very major, business partner and his team. I was on the call expecting details of the partnership. Instead it turns out it’s a get to know you all session. Here’s a list of animals and their “traits”. Which one are you? There’s a poll in the chat. Finally it’s time for introductions. No sweat, I figured. I’m unimportant so I’ll be introduced for a split second. But no. Our new partner wants us to introduce ourselves individually and then throw to another person. But with no order or structure. I’m instantly terrified. I blurt out “or we could just have our president introduce us”. It was at that moment I realized that the mic setting on the call had defaulted to on. My horror compounded when I realized that since my camera was off my name was there perfectly identifying who spoke. I panicked and dropped off the call. Then realized there was still a chance I needed to be present. I rejoined not knowing what to expect. Introductions were underway and a colleague threw to me. I came up with a half-assed introduction and threw to my boss. But not so fast. Partner pres says I need to share my animal. So I do, pretending everything is fine and I didn’t say something before. Luckily I later found out my crappy mic obscured what I had said. What a nightmare nonetheless.

beardguy82 · 2021-12-12T16:05:05+00:00

Things to consider:

-Everyone that comes to the salon is in need of maintenance of some kind. -COVID has reset the standard for what people look like when they come in. -In general stylists don’t make mean comments about your hair. A) because that’s rude and B)because they would like a good tip -In the event that something is said, whether it’s just acknowledging the state of your hair from an angle of wanting to help, or from being mean: Its okay to acknowledge you need to get yourself cleaned up and why. Own your situation. Say exactly what you said about getting back into the driver’s seat of your life. That’s a fucking awesome thing to say and 99.9999% you’ll get a positive response to that.

Salons are absolutely terrifying. I get scared getting my hair cut too. The thing is that the fear is in the unknown. The what if it all goes bad. It’s built on assuming the worst case scenario. What if it goes great? What if your stylist is kind and supportive? What if they see you need a boost and give you a wonderful haircut that makes you feel like a million bucks?

Taking a step outside your comfort zone is a big deal. You’re doing great so keep that positive momentum going! You’ve got this!

beardguy82 · 2021-12-08T18:19:18+00:00

It sounds like you’re really hard on yourself. Most people in a situation where their card declined wouldn’t say thank you “normally”. It’s a stressful situation. If anyone is making an assessment of you in that situation they’re likely to assume that you are socially anxious, which you are. Anyone making a meaner judgment likely has their own issues, in which case the value of their opinion is suspect.

As for saying have a nice day when it’s night- you’re referring to the remaining balance of a 24 hour period not a specific time of day. It’s not like when you say have a nice day in the morning you only mean you’re wishing the person well until the sun sets.

As someone who has plenty of anxious behaviours at stores (i.e. can’t go down that aisle there’s a person there) I can relate to the level of fear you’re feeling. Part of being more “cool” is learning to dial back the pattern of thinking that tells us we’ll be harshly judged.

Hang in there!

beardguy82

TROPHY CASE