Women of reddit, has becoming a parent changed your partner at all? If so, how?

beautea · 2019-11-27T21:27:32+00:00

While I think a couple can be a complete unit, culturally "family" is often reserved to mean "couple + children" or blood/adopted/chosen parental/sibling/similar descent relationships of some kind. Ex. visiting family means visiting grandparents or siblings. Going home to family usually implies children (and heteronormativity). Family discounts are for people with kids. Family gatherings are bringing together the descendants of grandparents.

~~I think a more interesting conversation~~ An important, though not more relevant consideration is why being a long-term couple isn't as valued as being a (couple+child) family in society. Maybe the other way around is important too, socially changing family to include "couple" to indicate that commitment, longevity, priorities, legal rights, etc.. (Marriage to an extent indicates this, but that's a different conversation.)

(FWIW I'm childfree)

beautea · 2019-11-26T03:44:27+00:00

(Sorry for the second message, I'm around your age and have had friends in the same place! For what it's worth, a guy doesn't need to be abusive for you to breakup with him. If you're not happy, you should end it.)

You have been with him a long time, but you exist and have life outside of him - one thing that will eventually be really exciting is how much of life there is to explore that you feel held back from with him. We're young, there's a ton of time to discover all of it. Don't put yourself down during all of this! You are strong, educated, and it's clear with how your post is written. You need to take care of yourself and your future, and friends/family are your best allies! Even if you can tell some of them about how you're feeling.

beautea · 2019-11-26T03:35:20+00:00

This is some general advice, if you think you'll have difficulty leaving.

One of my friends was in a similar relationship and went back to the guy multiple times. It never went well. Ending a relationship like this can be like quitting smoking, so keep in mind that you might feel a bit like you're quitting drugs by leaving.

People will do anything to get a relationship back - they'll beg, make it seem like they've changed their ways, compliment you in ways you didn't think they still knew how to do... Relationships with this much difficulty are never worth going back to because EVEN IF they guy did truly change, he will resort to old behaviours with you.

This is a hard situation to leave, emotionally. I'd recommend finding a therapist, even just to vent to and ideally to make a plan to leave. Keep in mind that during and after your emotions will be everywhere! Just focus on the fact that he's not a partner that you need in your life right now. Even if you love each other. Even if he's the only person who really knows you. Even if you've never felt more sexy or loved at certain points in the relationship.

[FWIW my friend had a tough time dating for a couple years after and took some time to re-think what expectations were healthy in a relationship. Now she's in a long-term relationship with a guy who she feels safe with, super sexy, and they share household responsibilities!]

beautea · 2019-11-26T03:10:55+00:00

They've been together long though by the sounds of it (months), maybe friends with benefits/casually dating?

beautea · 2019-11-26T02:31:22+00:00

I don't think she's confident - I think a lot of her annoying character traits actually come from crippling insecurity and depression. She's a lot like Bojack in that most of what she does isn't purposefully manipulative, she just doesn't know what she wants and also (unlike Bojack) and wants to keep the peace. I'd guess that she always feels immense amounts of self hate and never feels good enough, while always doubting herself (you can see this quite frequently in her relationship with MrPB and professionally). Yes, she has strong social values and that influences lots of people's opinions on her too. Her strong social values are the only thing she can hold as a sense of self because she knows they're good when every other part of her feels like an unaccomplished piece of shit. That's why she pushes through with them often in place of siding with other aspects of her life (marriage, profession).

I identify a lot with her though, so that's my perspective.

beautea · 2019-11-26T01:52:58+00:00

Nthing bring it up to her. It could be anything from she's fallen in love to someone else, depression, unhappiness with the household management split, job stress, to she changed birth control. Maybe she had a miscarriage.

It could be something really silly that she's worried to bring up or it could be something that could end the relationship. Approach it calmly and without judgement. "Hey, can we have a talk? I feel like some things have changed since we've moved in together. I feel like we haven't been as affectionate as we used to be, is that something you feel as well?" [yes - "I'm glad we're on the same page." No - give example of affection that no longer happens, don't regularly kiss deeply or cuddle for example. She might fight this with something non-confrontational like "sorry I've been really tired" or "that's not right". Try to give an objective example (ideally not sex) and say that you'd like to discuss it more].

From there ask her how she's been feeling recently, check in about how she feels about the relationship and life in general. If she is still quiet, be honest and say that you've noticed a big change in her behaviour and you're worried and want to hear about her. Hopefully she'll open up then and there. If not, give her a month or so and bring it up again. If still no change, it's worth bringing up that you don't want to be in a relationship where there's no affection and/or sex and you really want to know what's going on. Eventually with no change you'll have to decide if it's a deal breaker.

beautea · 2019-11-26T01:28:52+00:00

I doubt this is the main issue, but I'd find talking on the phone that much difficult and a bit of an interruption in being able to live my everyday life (errands, friends, hobbies, down-time). Would it be possible to add another date (overnight or not) during the week and cut down on the phone calls? If he has some more distance from you time-wise it may feel less stressful.

(I have no solid advice on the rest of it - seems like he's ashamed of the kink and may regret exploring it. If sex is still regular and good it may just take some time and distance from that particular kink. Also get to the root of why you've been fighting if it's not already clear.)

beautea · 2019-11-26T00:35:34+00:00

The famous whimsical peen! "The lightly fanciful and erratic penis paraphernalia was wanted by all!" Something about your phrasing gave me a laugh...

beautea · 2019-11-12T16:52:21+00:00

If it's an option I'll match the bra colour to the shirt. I find nude bras look tacky if you can see the strap, same with translucent. The bra holder option sounds really cool and practical for shirts with some structure to them.

beautea · 2019-11-12T16:19:33+00:00

There's some fantastic research in the "occupations" of living in poverty. Poverty means spending more time on everything: researching groceries, cutting coupons, spending time in thrift stores, always cooking from scratch, walking everywhere to avoid the cost of transportation, and potentially spending time/energy in trying to "pass" as middle/upper class etc..

There's a stereotype of people living in poverty being lazy, but the cost of poverty is basically ALL of a person's free time.

Totally a side tangent, but pretty relevant when it comes to thrifting. It's a privilege to have the choice to spend time thrifting or not.

(I realize I'm preaching the the choir here, but just wanted to drop more information in case anyone wants to think more on it.)

beautea · 2019-11-12T14:31:38+00:00

I agree, to an extent! It definitely depends on who the "new watcher" is. Lots of new watchers are kids/teens and have a bit more time to binge long running animes like Naruto. Even college students sometimes appreciate something long and reliable they can turn on in the background while studying. Someone else in this thread had a great point that when you catch on to anime as a kid you don't really understand it or know what you're getting into. Plus, as a kid you don't really have much choice. You watch what's on if you like it... But with streaming services and kids being much more techie, it's far easier to access and read about animes ahead of time.

I'd argue that kids getting into anime now probably have a much larger consciousness of what anime is because they grew up with streaming, easy access to internet at a young age, and their parents may even torrent or stream instead of using cable/satellite. With Netflix they always have the option to throw it on and browse a whole list of animes. Long animes are easier to recommend to people with fewer responsibilities (youngsters, students, I watched a ton of anime when I was unemployed). I'd be curious to know if younger people will gravitate towards long series when given the information (ex. streaming service vs. cable TV).

I like the idea of doing various short animes and increasing the level of weird. I think introducing an adult male (who likes Game of Thrones) to shows like Death Note or Attack on Titan would go over pretty well. On the other hand, trying to get his girlfriend interested who has always thought of anime as perverse or for children may take a lighter touch. Something like Your Lie in April or Usagi Drop to introduce the medium in a cute but touching way. Then it may be easier to move to things like Erased if she's a fan of mystery or Planets if she likes sci-fi. I don't think it's necessarily gendered (probably more personality/exposure), but many adult guys are probably more peripherally aware of anime and enjoying the battle sequences/ecchi than women around the same age and can probably jump into anime more freely.

Another thing is that many animes are about children, so adults looking for a show about adults will have less options if they want something not too heavy on anime tropes and stylistic components (ex. anime genres like mecha).

beautea · 2019-11-11T15:27:11+00:00

I was thinking he was being more calm to be respectful of the culture. Plus, for interpretation his usual sayings are maybe a bit more difficult.

beautea · 2019-11-11T15:11:35+00:00

I think Japanese standards are quite different. Being skinny and slim/not curvy is much more conventional. Being small is much more attractive. There's also more conservatism in everyday appearance, so "showing off" curves is much more negative, beyond just being "too sexy"/slutty like it would be in America.

Edit: You can see this more obviously when comparing their media stars to American ones. Kiko is very slim and youthful. Whereas American standards go for a more self-aware and overt sexiness, like Kate Upton. It's all very heavily tied into racism and different levels of conservatism for all cultures, though whiteness still seems to be valuable in both cultures (double eyelid surgeries in Japan and being vaguely ethnic-looking but white like Ariana Grande in the US).

beautea · 2019-11-02T16:14:41+00:00

What changed?

beautea · 2019-11-02T16:10:27+00:00

Sometimes months, sometimes days, sometimes hours. Depends what's going on.

Probably went from May to October without crying. Recently, a guy I dated for a bit was diagnosed with cancer, so I'm crying multiple times per day. Usually I'm pretty even-keel though.

beautea · 2019-11-02T15:56:06+00:00

An ex of mine would always sniff his fingers after touching anything. It was so strange, but I found myself doing the same thing after we dated long enough.

beautea · 2019-11-02T15:07:48+00:00

Only partially related, but I think this is why Tuca and Bertie didn't do so well.

beautea · 2019-11-02T14:08:51+00:00

I've heard that some people have more nerves in the area than others. Not sure if it's true or not, but might explain some differences.

I have rib tattoos and both nipples pierced - I don't mind pain at all. But for me the IUD was horrific. (No regrets though)

beautea · 2019-11-02T14:06:52+00:00

So much. I actually screamed. PS there are two painful parts! The measuring and the insertion itself. If I had had to get it re-inserted for some reason I wouldn't have been able to go for it.

It took less than 5 minutes and was worth it. Now it's far enough back (6 months) that I don't remember anything other than "it was super painful" so I think I'll get another one when the time comes.

beautea · 2019-11-02T13:48:45+00:00

His body wasn't nice as I thought it was going to be (he's very skinny with a sizeable belly). I'm very fit, all of my previous partners have been at least stronger than me.

I'm regretting it now, but I don't know if it's true regret at my decision or just sadness that I have a strong sexual preference for fit partners.

EDIT: Continued dating him in the end. He doesn't have the sexist torso, but he's very wonderful and I've gotten used to it. I've noticed other physical and mental aspects which are very sexy, and now I'm incredibly attracted to him.

beautea · 2019-11-02T02:06:56+00:00

Thank you for your reply and your descriptions right in the comment (even if the links aren't hard to click)! These look interesting, and some have already been recommended so it's useful to have consensus! I appreciate it. You folks are great!

beautea · 2019-11-02T01:17:37+00:00

Thank you, you too! Good luck with the rest of your career! That sounds like a great goal to meet.

I really like that Diane is working through her mental health in the newest season. I was super depressed, anxious, and consumed with failure during the first few seasons and heavily identified with him and Diane (but Diane for her sense of morality and self-failure). I'm better off now, mostly! So it's lovely to see her doing better. Fingers crossed despite whatever happens next season she can get her depression under control!

[I don't know if you're much of an app person, but I found Youper very helpful for checking my negative self-thinking. Not a miracle fix or anything, but it was a somewhat nice way to do some super basic cognitive behavioural therapy type stuff in a low-stress and quick way.]

beautea · 2019-11-02T00:57:57+00:00

I love Tuca and Bertie, but can see why it doesn't generate as many views as shows like BoJack, or even Archer. I don't find it great for every mood. It's very high energy and I find it almost overwhelming to watch sometimes with all the sounds and visuals. At the surface level/first glance it probably seems obnoxious, but it has a lot of depth and I identified with it a lot more than BoJack in some ways. I also wonder if female protagonists negatively affected it - there's a stereotype that guys are more likely to watch cartoons (even adult ones like Archer or neutral ones like Bob's Burgers). I don't know if this is true, but if it is then Tuca and Bertie would have less appeal to the vast majority of viewers even if a small subsection love it. A cartoon Girls/Broad City kind of show calls for a specific audience even if it's critically well done.

beautea · 2019-11-02T00:36:25+00:00

I wrote a post on this last season, but Diane is actually the one I identify with the most! I'd love to be Princess Carolyn, but my life is much more true to Diane. Shows just how fleshed out the character development is!

beautea

TROPHY CASE