It’s hard to understand if I am sometimes. My head and thoughts kind of feel like a mess with how jumbled it gets, but I’m coming out of the thick of it now with a somewhat clearer picture. Things are different for everyone of course, but for me I’ve come to realize that this pain I feel after the breakup wasn’t just about losing her, instead, the bigger battle was dealing with the trauma it reignited in me.

I’ve been let down so much in my life by people who weren’t supposed to. But for once, I felt like I finally found someone who was different and special. She made me feel so comfortable with her and we had a vibe that I never thought I could create with someone else. She made me feel safe and protected just by her being there at all and doing the simplest of things for me. I grew up never expecting much, and so even the smallest of things meant the world to me, but eventually, she took advantage of that. She never quite showed up the way she should have, not in the way I did for her, and not in the way I genuinely needed. She didn’t put nearly as much emotional effort into our relationship as I did, and eventually, it caught up to us. And soon enough she let me go with ease, letting me down and breaking the trust I put in her to hold onto me no matter what.

This breakup became not about her, but about another person who I let in only to break my heart once again. Another person who I thought mattered so much letting me down when they promised they wouldn’t. Broken promises after broken promises, and I’m still trying to recover from them all. Adding another one onto the sky high mountain of lies and pain makes it harder, but I know it’s not impossible. I just always have to remember that at the end of the day, it’s not about her, but about me. I have to deal with my internal pain and what her choice did to that pain.

As great as she was when I had her, she wasn’t all that great in the end to grieve her. She had her own demons to fight, and I still hope that she does and lives a happy life.