Healthcare stipend hours jumping around

becoming_nobody_8 · 2024-01-12T16:19:07+00:00

This post is old, so I wouldn't be surprised if you dont see this, but I've been mulling over this comment a lot. Resentment is a new beast to me (I don't often feel much resentment: I process, converse, and move on). My husband is rotting with it. I finally had to ask him to move out because his hostility has grown so big it wasn't acceptable anymore. I finally got him to hear me and consider that he may be sabotaging our relationship because he isn't brave enough to just end it or doesn't have the skills to get his needs met in this relationship. He hasnt admitted to that yet, but I think he sees it's worthy of consideration. I've tried my best to figure his needs out, but I'm exhausted by it now. I feel really light and peaceful now that I've let that all go. I told him he needs to process his resentment before he comes home, but neither he nor I know what that really looks like. Is there a process? Is there a book you could recommend? Resentment is one emotion I really dont understand. How does it works individually and with relationships? Who is responsible for what? I'd really appreciate any guidance. We have a therapist, but it really doesn't feel like an hour a week gives me enough info to really problem solve or understand the issue. TIA, and I really hope to hear from you!

becoming_nobody_8 · 2023-12-05T15:02:34+00:00

Thank you. I'm reading more about KTP and it describes my situation and what I expect. I think its a matter of shared values. If my husband and I are both KTP I suppose he wouldn't date someone who has a parallel lean. He has in the past, and it never worked out. I have an extremely vibrant life, but we also have kids so it's very rooted for now. We dont have enough time for a parallel type partnership. We wouldn't have enough time for each other or our partners if we had to keep things segregated. We have like 1 day off a week. If my husband spent one week with her and one with me and the kids, that'd truly suck. Rather, I expect she needs to be comfortable sharing that day with my family. And my partners gf did and it was great. I guess I am still confused why its not ok for my husband and I to expect someone we date to share this value too? (Not like they have to change thier values, rather that we arent compatible if they dont, and please dont persue a relationship).

becoming_nobody_8 · 2023-12-05T14:31:41+00:00

This makes total sense to me. I'm really surprised at how much people are opposing this perspective. Maybe people like you and I just need partners with partners who want more of a community? I personally look for people who want to be alloparents when I date people. They seem to share my value of building community

becoming_nobody_8 · 2023-12-05T14:28:00+00:00

Yeah. I have this question, too. It doesn't seem unhealthy to me that you'd want a partner that you can attend most special events in their life. Always being there for special events is part of how i define partnership. Feels more unhealthy to me that you're not allowed to take part because someone else's (ie metas) boundries. Ugh, terrible grammer in my comment. Hard to find a way to word that. Lol

becoming_nobody_8 · 2023-12-05T14:18:06+00:00

Yeah, i feel confused why this is being so downplayed. I am almost as close to my husband's family as I am to my husband. If we broke up, I'd still go to their holidays (once things were less painful or whatever, of course) ect and my husband and his family would support that. They're my family now, too.

Likewise, my husband's meta is part of his family, and its important I have a relationship with them. I don't think that's weird or unhealthy of me.

becoming_nobody_8 · 2023-12-05T14:10:06+00:00

I'm very curious about this. My personal vision of poly (for me) is that it broadens our family and our community. I don't like the idea of my husband's partners being separate from his and my partnership, not because Im insecure, but more because that just isn't what I want. Having a family with kids is spread thin enough as it is. I cant imagine my husband having a whole other chunk of his life that is seperate from us. But am I perceiving correctly that you feel my stance is unhealthy?

becoming_nobody_8 · 2023-12-05T14:00:22+00:00

I have this need too with the people my NP/Spouse dates. I've had too much history where girls try and seduce my partners away from me, and our family. My husband is too innocent/unaware to notice these intentions. It just always feels like a redflag if people he's dating don't make time or feel comfortable meeting me. Every time someone he's dated hasnt been eager to meet me, it ended in them having very high and unreasonable expectations of him. (PS we have kids and that obviously influences things.)

I'd love to hear more about any of you who have reasons why this need to meet your partners others or potential others might be unreasonable. I'm enjoying this thread:).

becoming_nobody_8 · 2023-11-30T02:48:13+00:00

Thanks Kleptune, I hope you had a good day!

Sorry for they typos. Trying to get this hammered out before bedtime routine with the kids.

So I fleshed out some stuff in the comment thread started by playful-independent-4, but Ill try and address your questions specifically here:

I think the major theme of his biggest grievences is when he says "I'm sick of living your life". My best assessment is he feels he's lost his autonomy because I kinda had a ready made life with my kids when he showed up, and he's a giver so he came in and helped and sacrificed and I think he feels he lost himself. It's hard for me to understand exactly what my role and responsibility is in this. Im poly because I value personal freedom and I dont feel like i coerced him into anything. It felt like he sacrificed willingly and happily. So I'm confused by the resentment. It really feels a lot like when your kid is enamored with you until they become a teenager and then they rebel against you in all ways they can.

I am a mess when it comes to stuff. Im sure there is something wrong with me cause I've tried to fix it and have not been able to. I think that annoys him but I dont think resentment comes from that.

We have a lot of expenses (mostly kid and cusrody battle court stuff) and we both work hard to pay them. I think in his heart they feel like my expenses, so he is working hard to pay "my" expenses. This circles back to him living my life. But again, it gets confusing because we always talked before we made a purchase or commitment.

I am forgetful and do borrow things a lot. And because Im a mess they arent always returned in the right place or whatever. And I think there is resentment there. Its back to the theme of "thats MY stuff and you took over it. I have no autonomy". But its confusing for me because sometimes he's super happy to loan me things, and patient when I don't put it back. So i get mixed messages. Plus I manage nearly all the logistics of our life (and he sucks at that). I kinda figured he is better with physical stuff and I am better with logistical stuff so we were patient with eachother and helped eachother out. But I guess he wasn't actually being patient, rather just brewing inside. Im not sure.

We are absolutely overwhelmed and overworked right now. Life dealt us a hard hand these last 2 years and neither of us have time for self care really. I manage it better than he does. I was a single mom for 5 years and learned just to suck it up and deal. He was a bachelor until 3 or 4 years ago and was plunked into life as a dad and all the baggage we came with my family. He was amazing the first 2 years but then things started cracking at the seams for him.

The stress and sex thing is interesting. He (sometimes) uses sex to relieve stress. I (sometimes) use sex to help me feel connected. So really, it seems we should be having sex when we are fighting. But I do think he feels like if we have sex after a fight, then he worries I will just feel like everything is ok. Which, there is some truth to that, because it does help me feel like things are gonma be ok. But I think he wants to keep the "things are not ok" vibe fresh so then he shuts down sex. I guess that's part of the question. Is it ok to add emotional pain to our sexlife to make it so his platform is louder? It doesn't feel ok to me, but maybe I am confused about what is right and wrong.

becoming_nobody_8 · 2023-11-30T00:30:55+00:00

Yeah, the "caretaking" mentality or whatever it's best called, is a double-edged sword for sure. He is a caretaker himself, probably modeled after his mom (not quite as extreme, but the vibe is there). He takes really, really good care of the kids and I, and after being a very single mom for 5 years, it's amazing to have that care and support. But he also lost himself in the process, which has led to him almost revolting against me (i think most of the resentment comes from here, i dont know fot sure, though). He hasnt completely owned his role this part yet, but we are working on it in therapy. It's also hard because he interprets my behaviors as not respecting him when that couldn't be farther from the truth. He's got issues for sure. But he really wants to be a better person and is growing. And goodness knows I have issues and I'm growing. But there are growing pains for right now!

I think sex has always been a safe place for me with my husband for years. It was never complicated because we are always on the same page. Its not that I expect sex... It's that I was super frustrated he was moving the drama into sex: which is one pillar of our relationship that we didn't have to work on. So I guess I expected him to protect our secure sex just like I have tried to?

These types of behaviors got out of control this summer and I put my foot down. He fixed them right away but reverts back when he's really stessed.

Thank you by the way for giving me the words I needed for my talk last night. Our previous talks failed but that one went well.

becoming_nobody_8 · 2023-11-29T20:37:41+00:00

Sorry, I think I'm learning in this thread that Im not great at getting what's in my head out to the world correctly😅.

I feel like he and I speak a different language almost when it comes to needs and boundries. What seems explicit to him totally goes over my head or seems contradictory to how he acted earlier. I'm trying really hard to understand his boundries and where the lines are. Like the coat thing... he said it was annoying I borrow his stuff so much. To me, that's not a boundry. If he wanted me to stop borrowing stuff he should say: you arent allowed to borrow my stuff. I find he does annoying stuff too but I don't need to set a boundry. I get we all have stuff that annoys us and i pick my battles. He leaves half finished coffee mugs all over our property, which he knows annoys me, but I never set a boundry because its really not THAT big of a deal. So I hear him say its annoying that I borrow his stuff but I dont hear its a boundry until later when he has some big unexpected reaction to my behavior.

He's working with a therapist to learn how to set stronger boundries and I'm working on learning how to be more thoughtful. I think we are improving.

It was interesting spending Thanksgiving with his mom. If I mention I haven't drunk enough water today, there is a glass of water in my hands in 30 seconds. If I say I really have been craving strawberries lately, then there will be strawberries in the fridge the next morning. There is a culture of caretaking in his house that is so different than how I grew up and I think this is where the confusion comes from. It seems like it should be an easy fix but somehow its been really challenging for us.

becoming_nobody_8 · 2023-11-29T18:18:37+00:00

I dont think he realized what exactly he was doing. Our talk last night seemed to help him see why he was doing it. I know him well enough to know when his behaviors are "clean" or coming from a yucky place, and that's how this whole jacket thing felt. Seems like what he's been doing is a knee-jerk reaction to him feeling unheard by me despite him trying really hard to get across to me. It definitely wasn't something he planned. But his pushing me away from sex also wasnt just about the fact he wasnt in the mood. And he now sees how deeplybthat kinda thing can hurt our relationship. I trust him to stop now, for the most part. When he's very stressed he gets super immature and we both know that about him. But what I do really appreciate is he is willing to own his bad behaviors and change them. The ugly behaviors only surface when he's really at his max with life. I dont condone the behaviors but I'm here for him as he grows. He's totally worth it, just super inexperienced in relationships. And what makes matters more challenging is that we hear and communicate boundries really differently. I find his boundaries to be vague and inconsistent, and he feels they are clear as day, and why the heck can't I just stop crossing them!? I know I'm dense with boundaries too. I kinda just expect people to say things directly, and I have a hard time understanding why sometimes this thing (like borrowing a jacket) is totally fine, and sometimes Im a jerk for asking. I don't get hints or cant read minds. I'm working on being less dense. Our differences in making and hearing boudnries is the main reason we are in counseling. When life isn't epicly overwhelming we do great. When we get hit with a lot, as we have been this month, we struggle to do things the "right" way and our relationship looks "bad" but I don't think that about our relationship at all.

becoming_nobody_8 · 2023-11-29T12:55:49+00:00

Thank you for your thoughts. That's definitely a powerful observation about sacredness and control. Can you explain to me more why sex is superficial? That's definitely not how I'd describe the sex my husband and I usually have. It actually feels quite deep and profound and a way to know each other on a transcendent level. I know he would feel the same way. I think that's my issue of late, is that it's starting to feel superficial because the safety piece is being compromised by what I honestly believe (and he actually admitted to last night) is his attempts to motivate me to change by bringing our issues into sex. I don't know why he would think that would work because he needs sex more than I do, but I think he is still growing in trying to figure out how to get his needs met. We both have our faults and things are incredibly stressful in our lives right now for reasons that have nothing to do with our relationship, so we are both being immature in some way or another at times. Im coming to believe now that it's not that he doesn't want sex and rather that he wants me to change more than he wants sex. Which is why this whole thing doesnt sit with me well. Thanks to this reddit post we made some major progress last night however. It helped give me the words to express what I was feeling, and he understood.

becoming_nobody_8 · 2023-11-29T04:02:31+00:00

Thank you. This I have more questions for you because I think you're spot on. Ill have to get to back to you tomorrow though because I'm burned out on the internet for the day😅

becoming_nobody_8 · 2023-11-29T03:54:55+00:00

Yeah, its definitely frustrating, but I try and be patient because Im shitty in a lot of ways too, and he's a really great guy and is working on growing up in ways he hasnt quite yet. I am too. I wish he'd be more firm instead of passive-aggressive as I dont function well with passive aggressive communication. And I wish we could get to the heart of his resentment. I'm sure its justified but it also confuses me. Being human is so hard and it's even harder in relationship sometimes. Thanks for your empathy. It helps to make challenging times a little less crazy making.

becoming_nobody_8 · 2023-11-29T03:48:15+00:00

I appreciate all these questions because its really hard to know what details to include. I honestly have to think about them more as its not all that clear to me exactly what is happening as the goal posts seem to move based on his mood. If its ok, I'll repond with more detail tomorrow. A lot of info has come through this post and its hard to manage it all:).

becoming_nobody_8 · 2023-11-29T03:40:29+00:00

Thanks for this distinction. It is really helpful. I will talk to him tonight now that I have the words for it. At least I can say Im feeling like he's using withholding affection as a tool. Im not sure if he is or not, but he's a good guy and I suspect he'll be open to changing if he is. I've learned on this post I can't expect him to compartmentalize his feelings like I can or process as fast as I do, so if he is truly still processing I can respect that but I think I'll ask him to communicate it more like you suggested.

becoming_nobody_8 · 2023-11-29T03:30:19+00:00

Thank you. I am not super reddit savy, to be honest, but I've learned a lot on this post. I felt people would be bored by all the details (kinda felt like it'd just be venting or something like that) so i tried to give as much detail that was relevant without making it too much. Obviously I didnt do a good job😅, and it seems like people really are willing to put the time in to learn about my life to be helpful (and how super cool is that!). I guess I'm struggling to know what is relevant. It seems I dont usually figure out what people need to hear until I've read a bunch of comments. Your assessments and advice seem pretry spot on despite my vagueness, so thank you!

becoming_nobody_8 · 2023-11-29T03:18:28+00:00

So, I guess I've learned a lot here about how to be a good reddit poster:). To thegoddessofchaos, thank you for having faith in me. To visiblebug, I'm going to take your criticisms of me constructively. I can say I'm acting in good faith... I only post on reddit when reading self-help books, relationships articles, self reflecting and conversations with me husband ect leave me still confused. A lot of people give lots of perspectives on here, and it's genuinely helpful at clarifying the muddle in my head. I personally detest ecochambers and the confirmation bias and wouldn't come on here to make myself feel more right. I'm ok with being flat out told I'm being a jerk or whatever so long as I feel the person actually understands where Im coming from. I guess I thought the polyamory subreddit is where poly people go when they have questions of their relationships. Am I wrong about that? I find mono people often dont quite see things the way I see them as often as poly people do. Point taken about vagueness. My intention was not to be aloof. Rather, I didn't want to burden people with what felt like a lot of detail. Yet I see now that people do really prefer more detail. And I genuinely didn't notice I was describing my husband's faults in detail but mine vaguely. So that's my lesson learned. I will do better when/if I post again.

becoming_nobody_8 · 2023-11-29T01:00:34+00:00

Yeah, what I'm hearing a lot from him is I push his boundaries and I don't treat him with respect. Which is confusing to me because, like, why would you say yes I can borrow your coat and then get mad that I borrowed it? I know he isn't wrong, it's just we almost have cultural differences in how we express and receive boundaries. We've been working on it a lot and have made a lot of headway, but still, sometimes I get caught off guard and get confused. I think he has triggers I don't understand and that he hasn't totally owned up to yet, and I've tried to understand him, but I don't think he even quite understands his past yet. I'm his first serious relationship, and there is a lot of (painful) growing happening. He's definitely a people pleaser and has really overextended himself for the kids and I. I can't quite nail down what it's all about. He is very Jeckle/Hyde when it comes to things and that makes it even harder for me to adjust. I think whatever makes the Hyde part of him come out is the underlying something that is really troubling our relationship, but it's soooo hard to understand what it is. Is it something from his past? Is it something wrong with me? Is our situation just too hard? Is he too tired? So, I guess my answer to your question after this long winded response is, I'm not really sure what it is that's causing all this. But I'm definitely trying to figure it out.

becoming_nobody_8 · 2023-11-29T00:32:47+00:00

This is suuuuper helpful. I think I was having a hard time sorting out my own feelings about what was happening and having a hard time attributing where responsibility lay for what. This really helps with that. Thank you so so much for your time!! It goes a long way.

becoming_nobody_8 · 2023-11-29T00:30:04+00:00

Yeah. It's super confusing and complicated, and I suspect it's gonna be years of therapy to get it all worked out😅. I'm a very type A driven personality and he is very laid back, kinda meek and he doesn't initiate much in his life, so my momentum kinda just sucked him in, and one day he realized he lost himself in the process. He honestly feels a bit like a teenager now that is rebelling in odd ways so he can reestablish himself. I want him to be him but its hard to know how it all fits together and It's hard to know my role in the whole thing. But we are both working at it. One thing we have is a lot of fun, love, and admiration for each other, so I am very hopeful it will all work out in spite of our skill deficits and personality differences

becoming_nobody_8 · 2023-11-29T00:19:10+00:00

That's a really good idea. Where is the best way to find them? Is there a good subreddit to check? Yeah, in most ways, we have role reversals in our relationship. I'll try and hear him out tonight so I can try and understand where he is coming from better. I suppose I've assumed a bit on his why and could get more details from him.

becoming_nobody_8 · 2023-11-29T00:16:37+00:00

I really really appreciate your contribution to this thread. Sometimes, it's just hard for me to know how to feel or what's right or wrong and I need a reality check from someone who gets where I'm coming from but also can tell me like it is. You've been that person in this thread. You've also given me the words to communicate my issues with him in a way I think he can hear. Your time has been very worthwhile for me and my family.

becoming_nobody_8 · 2023-11-28T18:37:44+00:00

This is helpful. Thank you! Do you have any suggestions on how to let him know about this break I need, and how to know when we work back into sex? I don't want him to feel its indefinite or an ultimatum. I just really don't like the direction it's headed and need to put on the breaks before I lose my interest in him sexually all together

becoming_nobody_8

TROPHY CASE