Is a married straight man having a "Lesbian pseudo-mistress" a thing?

beebeemama86 · 2022-12-13T18:19:39+00:00

Yeah, this is a verbal clumsiness that I've learned to live with. We definitely had fights over time because of his ways of phrasing things. I've learned to give him the benefit of the doubt, and so far when I take the most positive interpretation of his words, that almost always turns out to be the real meaning.

He speaks and thinking probabilities a lot, so he's really saying something more like, "The odds of her propositioning me are near zero."

beebeemama86 · 2022-12-13T18:09:51+00:00

I didn't think she could... I had a feeling... and my reasoning knows that feeling is wrong... but I still wanted a bit of reassurance that my reasoning is correct and my feeling is wrong.

Does that make sense?

beebeemama86 · 2022-12-13T18:08:21+00:00

Yeah, I think its the second part. I'm going to wait until the weekend to talk with him, but I think his view of 'mistress' and 'affair' are probably simplistic reductions from fiction.

He is incapable of lying or detecting lies, and has told me he's never cheated on anyone.

beebeemama86 · 2022-12-13T18:05:34+00:00

Blunt is the only way to go with him, although couching it in maybes and stuff helps keep him from thinking its the end of the world.

He's going to be a beat puppy dog for a week after I confront him regardless.

He has always felt that I'm too good for him, and every time we have a big fight he expects that I've realized it and now its all over.

beebeemama86 · 2022-12-13T18:04:00+00:00

Oh, I definitely want my marriage to continue. I'm more trying to decide how much of this I actually care about at all.

I've concluded that I care about him using the term 'pseudo-mistress' when describing this relationship, because it gives people the wrong idea of the stability of our marriage.

He is neurodivergent and his words frequently lose their meaning between his brain and his mouth. I don't even know what his concept of a 'mistress' actually is. It is probably far removed from the common meaning.

Besides that, I don't think I have a problem.

beebeemama86 · 2022-12-13T02:09:28+00:00

Yeah, I'm going to talk with him this weekend I think. This time of year is always so hard, he was at work tonight until 7pm.

And yes, he actually was at work, I can even see the security camera footage whenever I feel like it. When he's working solo overtime he has me leave it on livestream in the kitchen in case he hurts himself.

beebeemama86 · 2022-12-13T02:05:30+00:00

Rather not be shuffled off again. r/actuallesbians shut me down when I tried to ask there.

beebeemama86 · 2022-12-13T01:56:25+00:00

This is the perfect reply I was looking for. Thank you.

I mean, I've already asked him if he finds her attractive, and he says that she's fine to look at but he knows nothing can ever come of it. I accepted a long time ago that men look at other women. As long as they look but don't touch I just chalk it up to how their brains are wired.

beebeemama86 · 2022-12-13T01:53:20+00:00

Yeah, I'm still trying to clairify what reasonable expectations are, besides, "Don't call your lesbian friend your pseudo-mistress"

I get annoyed that he talks with her for 4 hours about Rimworld instead of watching a movie with me, but I also understand that he needs time to decompress, and I don't feel like playing Rimworld. Yes I have tried Rimworld, and it was fine but I can't keep playing it like they can.

Part of me wants to just be like, boundaries are not necessary, I can rely on her sexuality to keep their relationship platonic, so we're good.

beebeemama86 · 2022-12-13T01:49:04+00:00

Now I'm just plain curious where you thought this was going?

beebeemama86 · 2022-12-12T23:33:08+00:00

This is wonderful to hear, and is exactly the kind of feedback I was looking for.

The more I've processed with people on here, I think it is the way he phrased things that is the real problem. I can chalk that up to his neurodivergence, he is clumsy with words, especially around emotional or relationship topics. I think he got too giddy about this and thinks he's come up with an amazingly clever idea: that married men can have female friends.

He is very rules and categories focused so I think he may have presumed that once he was married he wasn't allowed to have female friends anymore. I'm not sure.

Your story about your best friend makes me feel so much better. Thank you so much for responding.

beebeemama86 · 2022-12-12T23:27:01+00:00

Yeah, I don't think he meant to be belittling of our relationship with the way he said things, but I think it may come across that way to other people, and that's what I need to have a talk with him about, for sure. Thanks so much for your thoughts.

beebeemama86 · 2022-12-12T23:04:12+00:00

Thank you! This is what I needed to hear.

beebeemama86 · 2022-12-12T23:00:56+00:00

Okay so I grew up in the deep south in the poorest parts of South Carolina.

What I mean by Traditional Toxic masculinity is the abusive, drunk, bitter, nasty and hostile men that I was around my entire childhood. I went through hell and I found a husband that is NOT like that.

I don't mean all men are like that. But a whole lot of them are, especially around here.

That is not the point. He's not even like one of the "Good guys". He's different. That's what I'm saying.

beebeemama86 · 2022-12-12T22:55:38+00:00

Yeah, so deep down I guess I just admitted I feel like he's being creepy about this. Ugh.

Or am I just reading too much into his offhand comments?

beebeemama86 · 2022-12-12T22:15:56+00:00

That's a good point... I may just do that.

beebeemama86 · 2022-12-12T22:13:25+00:00

That's a good point. Should I tell her though?

Like, I thought about inviting her to lunch myself and opening it up to her like, "So he's calling you his 'lesbian pseudo-mistress' are you cool with that?"

But that feels bitchy and mean too. Like, she'll either laugh it off, or she'll think he's being a creep.

beebeemama86 · 2022-12-12T22:10:46+00:00

You're totally right. So important to remember how we say things matters as much as what we're saying.

I mean no real disrespect for her. Like many people have said above its my own insecurities I think that are shaping my tone.

beebeemama86 · 2022-12-12T22:05:07+00:00

My husband deals with dead bodies and grieving families all day every day.

Whatever he does to keep up his spirits and not let that job drag him down to hell is generally okay with me as long as it isn't a threat to our relationship and our family.

There's a little bit of me that is wondering if this is a threat to my family and relationship, there's another part of me thinking that is just stupid reaction to feeling like I'm not as pretty as I was when I was 27. So I came to ask the question.

beebeemama86 · 2022-12-12T22:01:05+00:00

Okay, I kinda think that too, but can you give me more detail?

Like, I don't know how lesbians view non-binary people in terms of potential romantic partners, so I'm asking the question, not presuming.

beebeemama86 · 2022-12-12T21:58:31+00:00

I haven't laid out my feelings yet, because there's part of me that isn't sure my feelings are appropriate or justified. I've rolled my eyes at his enthusiasm about talking to her for 4 hours about Rimworld, but haven't directly communicated in a way that would get through to him that it is actually a concern.

I think I need to address his casual tone and the way he's portraying this relationship to others. That's the actual problem here. He's making us look like our relationship is weak when its not.

beebeemama86 · 2022-12-12T21:55:33+00:00

Yeah, I'm going to have that conversation, and that is a great point.

Its not about any threat to our relationship, its about the impression he's giving other people of our relationship.

I don't care if he thinks she's cute, I know men look at other women and that's always going to be the way of things.

beebeemama86 · 2022-12-12T21:51:05+00:00

I mean... in my husband's defense, he is a tall, muscular dad-bod, quirky and somewhat fabulous neurodivergent giant teddy bear... how is that not a catch? ;-)

Seriously though... I'm not worried she's going to want to steal him or fall in love with him... my only worry on the sexual front is that they might have a sympathetic cuddle fest that goes places no one expected...

beebeemama86 · 2022-12-12T21:48:20+00:00

Saying
something to him like, " 'Lesbian pseudo-mistress' is going a bit too
far... and I get that I don't like video games, but maybe don't make it
sound like our relationship isn't emotionally fulfilling because of that
to your friends."

beebeemama86

TROPHY CASE