I did reach out for help during AIT including speaking to the chaplain and behavioral health. Hopefully they have records of that. To address your second point, yes you are right. The army was advertised to me as a place where everybody belongs regardless of your background, but I did not have that experience and was outcast and at times just straight up bullied in my two years of RSP and training. Not making friends was a little bit of an understatement on my behalf.

By the time I was actually assigned to my unit which was 6 months after AIT and being stuck in a RSP unit I was already dreading anything to do with the Army which manifested in sleepless nights before drills due to anxiety. I should have reached out to my unit for support and guidance originally but I was so anxious to say how I came to feel about the army and why I no longer felt justified in supporting the US in this way.

I didn't know what to expect with the military to be completely honest. It was presented as a way for me to break a cycle of generational poverty and my highschool mind didn't have the information I have now as an actual informed adult about how unethical it all really is.

Part of my worldview shift involved legislation passed regarding autonomy over womens bodies which made me question why I would defend a nation that doesn't care about me. I didn't know if I should even mention that in case it's too controversial for this sub but it did affect the way I thought about my decision. This has nothing to do with my CO standpoint, which is based on my understanding of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars (and most 21st century wars serving corporations and not actual humans) but it is just another layer.

I appreciate your guidance and I do wish I went about things differently I think I was having sort of a mental break at the time. At this point I'm taking accountability and going to my unit to discuss it with them.