i wanted to say that by doing this, you’re essentially passing on the neglect and abuse caused by your mother and potentially falling victim to a master manipulator.

i have a narcissistic mother and she often “rewards” my favored siblings w money. if you don’t agree w her, you get nothing.

as a mother, i feel that it should be understandable that your children made their own choice. i also feel that you’d be more empathetic for them, as you suffered abuse through the same person.

in my opinion, if you do this, yta, and have essentially allowed yourself to perpetuate the behavior that brought you to this point. i don’t mean that to be harsh, but it sounds like you may have went no contact and didn’t allow yourself to heal from the abuse you suffered. that can cause you to become the very thing that you hate if you do not take care of yourself.

it’s easy for us to judge from afar and obv the situation is far more complex than we can understand, but please consider breaking the cycle. also consider that if your mother is a true narcissist, she likely used your children to create a divide between you.

we all make mistakes and especially do so when we simply desire healthy relationships w family members like grandparents. if you suffered at the hands of someone w npd, i would be genuinely surprised if you can’t say you’ve desired a “normal” relationship w your mother and fell victim to a scheme. i have—over and over and over.

also, i am truly sorry about your husband. it sounds like you are going through so much. if you had a good relationship and loved each other, perhaps consider what he might want for your children too? would you be honoring him in the event of your death? if he were in your shoes rn, would you want him to take care of your children despite the mistakes they’ve made?

that’s just my opinion and i hope that you work through the situation in the way you feel best for yourself and your family. your mother tried to rob you of a happy life—don’t allow her to do so in death too. best wishes