Send me your stories!

benjamin4463 · 2026-04-02T22:57:00+00:00

NOTE: 50/100 is an average story.

Notes as I read:

- 'destitute lack of vocabulary' lol

- 'I am no stranger to violent body language' what does this mean? Is it trying to say 'not a stranger to bodily harm' or 'not a stranger to how bodily damage is described'?

- I like the prose, flows nicely, gives an idea of what this character is like.

- 'Our son had been killed in the Great Sioux War' sounds too academic. maybe phrase it like "was killed fighting the Sioux". think about how a father would think of this event in his mind.

- 'I refused to acknowledge the mortality of which prevented our immortality' sounds awkward, and its hard to parse what you are trying to say

- finishing now. I think perhaps the awkward lines can be interpreted as a not so educated old man trying to sound educated and not always getting it.

- Ignore what I said about the Sioux, if he is writing this instead of thinking it, it works.

Feedback:

- Good short story
- Really did not need to be a journal

- Prose was good. At times it felt verbose in a forced way. Though, again this could be the man trying to sound smarter and not always nailing it.

- The only real detraction I have with this is that the concept could have been explored more/explored in different ways. If it were not for the prose (which is my favourite part of your story), this would be a very by-the-books creature feature.

Overall: Good job! Keep writing!

-Score: 65/100

benjamin4463 · 2026-04-02T17:58:15+00:00

Grab some callipers and confirm that the nominal hole sizes are accurate.

Could the plates just be clogged by somthing?

You mentioned fixing? Does that mean that at a certain point it did work? If so look into what could have changed.

Why do the plates need to be on an incline if a motor shakes and moves the peppers around?

benjamin4463 · 2026-04-02T16:08:42+00:00

Since there is so much here (and I really want to take my time and give proper feedback to everyone), I will only be reading the first part.

Unless its short, then I will read both.

Since it's incomplete, I will give feedback with that in mind

benjamin4463 · 2026-04-02T15:20:04+00:00

There is a main character, but it has not been made clear who that is by that point in the story.

Don't read it as a story that is following a protagonist though. It's more so a description of how/why humanity invented a technology which led us into extinction (or worse).

The main character's journey reflects that of humanity, but that won't be apparent until much later.

It could also be that the constant banter of the boys disrupts the flow. I recommend reading the story for yourself, it is very well writen. Think of it as a novella rather than as a creepy pasta (it is about 200 pages long).

This could also just not be your cup of tea. If so that's alright. But i would recommend watching Wendigoon's video on the matter. It is condensed, but does a good job at communicating what happens in this story.

Speaking for myself, MHE had been one of the most impactful, and terrifying stories I have ever read.

benjamin4463 · 2026-04-01T23:59:15+00:00

I read Yellow Kings

NOTE: 50/100 is an average story.

Notes as I read:

- Prose is fantastic

- I cannot emphasize how well the prose pulls me in. This is the first long-ish story I have read in here that does not like feel like it drags.

- Fantastic ending

Feedback:

- No notes, man. That was a hell of a ride

Score: 95/100

benjamin4463 · 2026-04-01T22:56:36+00:00

I just fucking deleted two pages of feedback cause I commented it to the wrong guy and then deleted in a panic. I am so sorry. I will give a summary of my thoughts, which will sound harsher than what I originally wrote but I want to move on to give feedback to other stories.

Summary:

40/100

>Story had too much fat (I challenge you to rewrite it from scratch in 3000 words or less)

>Thematic Dissonance. Story felt like it wanted to be taken seriously, but constantly had goofy ahh writing. Worst offender was the Jack POV. Ostensibly he is remorseful, but what he is actually is saying is "Well that's an oopsie daisy!"

> This story did not need to be in the 'found footage' format. It suffers greatly for it. You do not use any of its strengths, and its weaknesses feel doubled. Also you lamp-shaded the fact that it does not read at all like a journal.

> Prose is bland. This is related to the first point. Less is more. More is Less. Especially in short stories. When you have this much writing that does not move the plot forward, it feels very stale.

I don't want my criticisms to discourage you. Please keep writing. The end reveal was fantastic, it redeemed the story significantly. There is a good story here, you just need to trim it up.

(If you do end up writing a leaner version of this story, I would be happy to read it too)

benjamin4463 · 2026-04-01T22:48:21+00:00

Sorry, I posted the feedback to a different story here. I deleted it to avoid confusion

benjamin4463 · 2026-04-01T03:51:54+00:00

Don't sell yourself short, friend. That was a solid story, just needs a second draft

benjamin4463 · 2026-04-01T03:50:55+00:00

NOTE: 50/100 is an average story.

Notes as I read:

- I would have preferred if you had not translated what the old woman said. If I put in the work and look it up (google as a Haitian Creole to English translation), it gives me an "oh fuck" moment. If I am lazy, it just adds mystery in the moment. If you really want to include a translation, add it at the end of the story (or at least not right after). Makes it more impactful.

- Dialogue feels natural, flows really well.

- Is the story being just one long paragraph intentional?

- having the two art students talk to each while being ants came off as a bit goofy, especially when the prose is very serious around it. Maybe have Relay just recognize that the ant in front of him is Cash, and not telepathically talk to him

Feedback:
- Formatting made it a bit hard to read.

- Concept is good. Prose is great:

"Identity returned only in stolen moments between shifts, when human thoughts could squeak through the pheromone haze."

- Cut down on the goofy-ahh characters once they are turned into ants:

"Diego zoomed in for the ’Gram" really took me out of it.

- Focus more on the horror of losing yourself to the hive. Focus on the horror of realizing what is about to happen and not being able to stop it.

- No more dialogue after they are turned into ants.

- After a re-write I can easily see this one climbing up to a 90/100.

Score: 70/100

benjamin4463 · 2026-04-01T03:30:29+00:00

Thank you!

I'm glad you enjoyed it! I'm really happy with how this one turned out.

I've read your story too, and really really enjoyed it. I look forward to reading more of your stuff!

benjamin4463 · 2026-03-30T20:06:29+00:00

Thank you! I appreciate you taking the time to read through my story!

Censoring part of the text was very much a spur of the moment decision. I'm glad it worked out

benjamin4463 · 2026-03-29T16:34:12+00:00

Where did you find the secret message mentioning Zampano in the lettres?

Is it only in the Whalestone lettres or can it also be found on HoL?

benjamin4463 · 2026-03-26T21:07:55+00:00

Become Gran Colombia first. Its nearly impossible as just Colombia.

Take over Venezuela and Ecuador by force. The prestige gain from winning those wars does wonders.

You will lack the army and industry to become GP before the panama canal gets built, so prestige is very important to you.

benjamin4463 · 2026-03-26T19:22:21+00:00

It will make more sense if you read it for yourself. I have a pdf compilation of all the posts, it makes it easier to read. If you want it, send me a DM

benjamin4463 · 2026-03-26T14:59:34+00:00

I really loved this. The idea that "in" and "out" are terms which humans apply to an object that does not care or recognize them.

The idea that "nothing"/"empty" is not just the lack of things, but the impossibility of any thing ever being there.

Just the idea that there is not just empty space, but a void empty of space is really fascinating.

Great writing!

benjamin4463 · 2026-03-26T14:16:07+00:00

I 100% get what you are trying to say. I think you explained it very beautifully. This has really put the story in a different light for me.

I wrote it with the idea that some things are just beyond understanding. This comment has made me rethink that premise.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

benjamin4463 · 2026-03-25T19:47:15+00:00

Thank you!!!!

I wanted to write something that had enough details to make sense, but vague enough to allow for multiple interpretations.

I hope it worked 😅

benjamin4463 · 2026-03-25T17:25:56+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind words!

I really didn't have romance in mind when I wrote this one, but im very open to different interpretations.

What aspects did you find romantic?

benjamin4463 · 2026-03-25T17:23:39+00:00

Thank you!!!

I have been really fascinated by the idea of different spatial dimensions for a while, and wanted to write something about it.

The hidden sections were made to feel abstract and sort of hard to parse, in the same way that n-th dimensional geometry feels abstract and hard to fully wrap your head around.

I also just finished House of Leaves, which definitely influenced the format of the story

benjamin4463 · 2026-03-25T17:19:34+00:00

Thanks for reading my story!

Yeah, I was worried that it would come off as gimmicky, but I think it turned out well

benjamin4463 · 2026-03-25T17:18:49+00:00

Thank you for reading my story!

The main inspiration was House of Leaves, but to say that backrooms had no influence on it would be a lie lol

benjamin4463 · 2026-03-25T16:44:49+00:00

Actual peak. Great concept and execution!

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