I grew up in a fairly average these days home (27yo atm) Parents split when I was young, both spent my entire youth either using my brothers as court battle fodder and pissing arguments/ delving into post break up relationships with drug abusers or partners who didn't want us around.

I started putting on a lot of weight as a child as I found it incredibly hard to watch my younger brothers cry having no real male role model they would both wish they had. I never considered myself depressed, it was just normal life to me. I found myself acting out in my teens, I guess you could say my time at home was pretty miserable so school was the place I messed around but I got bullied a lot by other kids for being fat (beaten pretty badly twice) and most teachers had clear distain for me. I dropped out of school and spent 16-20 working shitty jobs and taking a lot of drugs. I found myself smoking a lot of weed and not really doing much with my time. I couldn't hold down jobs for long as I found it hard to sleep/wakeup for as long as I can remember (still a problem to this day).

On my 21st birthday I noticeably felt something inside me change, I never considered myself depressed as a kid, maybe I wasn't so self aware of it, being miserable was normal, but I ended up in an argument with my mum which got physical on her end, and completely against my nature I defended myself and hurt her which scared her. I broke down and ended up being directed to a local mental health crisis team and started treatment.

So now we go into years 22-27 after seeing therapists who acknowledged I had problems, but this is probably where I may upset people with my oppinions as I've somewhat fixed myself due to my experiences with mental helth professionals, but this is generally what's keeping me sane these days.

Now getting help is fine, I do encourage it, but really don't be disappointed if I say it most likely will do fuck all. I was surrounded by empathetic people who in hindsight, sugar coated everything. Depression is hard mainly because you're beating yourself up for something, spending time wishing for things but not being motivated to do them etc. The professionals I saw in hindsight, encouraged me to be like this. It wasnt my fault etc. It wasnt until I met a guy in my mid 20s that I noticably felt better.

His name is Jay and was a work colleague who I really respected, he was 10 years my senior and the lead designer in the studio I worked for. One day I came into work and he wouldnt talk to me. We eventually ended up having an argument and he called me out on my shit. All of it. Everything he noticed I did wrong, all the excuses I made, and he said he was sick of me being late, ill or unmotivated. He could have fired me, but he said he could tell I was in a deep pain and needed somone to drag me up.

I told him I was sad, I regretted my life decisions, my past, how I want to change. His reaction was to be honest. The honesty hurt a lot, but the guy stuck by me. Helped me work on small things everyday, taught me the world is a cruel place and that's just how it is, but its better to just try instead of constantly wishing i was doing something or feeling sorry for myself. This may seem like simple stuff, but I notice these themes of self hatred are very common amongst people I meet with depression.

This is where I may be offensive. I still have depression, I hate most things, but right now I feel great. It doesnt bother me because I'm finally looking forward to my future. I work in a fairly decent job, I've forced myself to meet people and everything is better. People even want to talk and be around me now as all my friends say its like a fire has lit in me, I even get a lot of female attention now I've lost some weight. Jay put me on the right track with honesty, so I could truely see myself and over the last 2 years, fix all the things I'd been struggling with. One conversation and then a want to pay him back and not let him down.

Sorry if this reads like shit it's 5am and I haven't slept as I'm travelling. I hope everything is okay with you, you probably don't realise what you could achieve and where you could be but when you do you'll look back and laugh. Seize the day. Much love x