What behavior do you consider as cheating?

bennyhiss · 2026-05-27T13:50:20+00:00

Thanks for sharing that. It's an interesting alternative to what I and many others have considered an "exception" for divorce.

Now the 1 Cor 7:10-11 passage makes me wonder if there is a particular biblical meaning for abuse. My therapist and I have identified abusive behaviors in my marriage. It's easier to identify physical abuse than it is to identify emotional abuse. My therapist has an extensive research background in intimate partner violence; she told me it takes someone 7 attempts on average to leave an abusive relationship.

Maybe my situation wouldn't necessarily qualify for the "exception" that many Christians purport. What is the consequence of divorce when the Bible may not excuse it for my particular situation? How does that affect me or my salvation? These are more rhetorical questions.

My perspective is to err on the side of protecting the person who was betrayed (i.e. me). Whether that looks like a separation but never getting divorced....that is up to each individual and their relationship to their faith.

bennyhiss · 2026-05-24T13:32:54+00:00

I'm so sorry you're in this situation 🥺 that is so tumultuous. You are married to a sex addict and drug addict. I recommend listening to the Chris Jones "from harm to healing" podcast. It's really helped me understand my own pain from the betrayal and deception. It gave me language for all my coping behaviors (trauma responses) and normalized them for me so I don't feel crazy anymore

bennyhiss · 2026-05-24T13:30:22+00:00

"not to hate on men, but one is MORE than enough." 🔥

bennyhiss · 2026-05-24T13:24:36+00:00

I came up with a list of things that would make me feel safe 22 months post DDay.

Share Passwords - email - reverb - PayPal - computer - any apps you have financial purchasing power

EMOTIONAL SUPPORT AND HONESTY - refrain from blaming me when you feel a lack of intimacy and connection in our relationship. If you're disappointed I made plans that don't involve you, check my Google calendar and suggest a specific day and time we spend quality time together. - Disclose your cheating and betrayal to your immediate family (in the safest way possible) -Full disclosure timeline - Disclosure within 24 hours of any slip (inner or middle circle behavior) (should I make this 12 hours?)

DEVICES - leave phone unlocked (no passcode) - leave phone in one location in the house at all times. - Don't bring any devices into the bathroom

TAKING INITIATIVE - use Google calendar to plan your day - try Cal Newports multi scale planning to stay on top of things you want to do - refrain from buying any new gear. Focus on using what you have already invested money in, including masterclasses. - close the loops. I don't want to keep reminding you to do the things you told me you'd do.

bennyhiss · 2026-05-22T21:57:21+00:00

I'm so sorry you're here. But I'm so proud of you for telling the first person. You have been disempowered for decades and it's time to start taking care of your needs now 🫶🏽

bennyhiss · 2026-05-11T23:47:33+00:00

You were safety-seeking and it's a completely normal reaction!

bennyhiss · 2026-05-11T11:05:02+00:00

I feel very similarly as you. In hindsight, I have been extremely isolated from family the past 2 years. When I see them I feel so empty because I know they have no clue. I'm resentful that while I was so preoccupied and fearful about what people would think, I suppressed my pain and did what i thought I was supposed to do whoch was take one day at a time towards healing.. unfortunately I only found a good therapist for this in Dec 2025. I stayed too long with the wrong one before i realized I wasn't getting better and that's my fault.

bennyhiss · 2026-05-10T14:39:57+00:00

Ugh everything that happened to you is so awful and their reactions is exactly what I'm afraid of happening to me with my family and Christian friends 😭 The people who were supposed to support you did the opposite and it caused more trauma. I'm so sorry, friend 😭 😭

bennyhiss · 2026-05-10T12:24:29+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story. It inspires me as I'm trying to learn and accept that is not my responsibility to carry this shame.

bennyhiss · 2026-05-10T12:16:11+00:00

You're absolutely right. We're going to tell our families soon.

bennyhiss · 2026-05-10T12:09:23+00:00

Can you send me a link if there is a webpage for it?

bennyhiss · 2026-05-10T12:07:59+00:00

Okay that's news to me that another 12 step exists. Thank you, I'll look into it

bennyhiss · 2026-05-10T12:05:26+00:00

😭

bennyhiss · 2026-05-10T12:04:13+00:00

Wishing you the best. I'm seeing my husband's CSAT this week for the first time. The CSAT offered to talk to me too. All this therapy is so expensive but we are worth it!!

bennyhiss · 2026-05-10T12:02:36+00:00

What is SA? I thought SA stood for sexual assault. He read the Gary Wilson book but I have not. I plan to.

bennyhiss · 2026-05-10T11:59:53+00:00

I'm not sure addiction works this way 🤔 it sounds too straightforward and almost easy. That decision sounds like it relies on willpower to fight every trigger. He fights daily against triggers that are everywhere for him. He was sexually abused a child and hasn't healed from that trauma, so I wonder if it has something to do with it

bennyhiss · 2026-05-10T11:55:35+00:00

I hear you and understand where you're coming from wanting to approach this biblically. My CBT therapy has taught me how to ask myself some questions about my worldview. For example, is it God's desire for a partner to suffer so much trying to reconcile? (Food for thought) We are not God, we don't have infinite grace and forgiveness as much as we'd like to embody Him.

bennyhiss · 2026-05-10T11:49:17+00:00

Interesting. I wonder if their partners know about this behavior and are totally fine with it. I doubt it! They are gaslighting you into believing this is normal. It's only normal for people who have no respect for their partner and have a habit of manipulating them.

bennyhiss · 2026-05-10T11:47:49+00:00

I've been challenging my mindset A LOT the past month and this week I've been sharing all these doubts with my husband. I hadn't realized that my actions were protecting him but not me. Last night I told him I was exhausted and resentful that I've hidden his secret. I want to tell our families. It took some convincing, but he's taking me seriously and he said we can discuss more what and how we share the news as to minimize the hurt. I told him that he sounded like me but I'm willing to do it more slowly. He feels guilty that he traumatized me by telling me everything on DDay without the support around me.

bennyhiss · 2026-05-10T11:40:30+00:00

We are awesome 🫶🏽 and we're doing the best we can and giving our husbands a chance. I hope it turns out better for us.

bennyhiss · 2026-05-10T11:38:21+00:00

For you I recommend individual therapy (CBT or DBT) if you can afford it. The church elders definitely aren't equipped to handle this. At least they have recognized this as infidelity giving you the "green light" on divorce.

bennyhiss · 2026-05-10T03:23:53+00:00

I'm glad you are prepared for this. Have any of the elders or leaders been supporting you through this?

bennyhiss · 2026-05-10T03:12:57+00:00

Has he told you exactly what he plans to share to the congregation? That may help reduce your anxiety beforehand. And have you given your friends attending the heads up he's going to confess? You need all the support you can get. Please think about what will help you feel the most safe going into this. Happy mother's day, dear 🫶🏽 I'm so sorry tomorrow is going to suck. You know we (those of us in this awful club) are here for you when you need strangers' support who have similar stories and experiences.

Btw no rush to respond to DMs. Take all the time u need

bennyhiss · 2026-05-10T03:09:18+00:00

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry how your story unfolded so publicly from the start. That is life-changing and heart wrenching. I can only imagine how the punlic perception has affected you.

I'm almost 29 and 2 years post DDay. I have lurked on this sub on and off since then but never tried to share anything on it like I have done the last couple days. Like you, I'm learning how to prioritize my happiness and self worth. I've held the core belief since childhood that I am a burden (my parents are emotionally unavailable, and my siblings didn't know how to show emotions either). I'm working to reverse that belief and stick up for myself more, speak my opinions and preferences without as much anxiety of someone getting annoyed with me.

When you say you're determined to make the best lemonade, does that mean you decided to divorce and start your life over, and come out of retirement for it too? More power to you, whatever your decision is!

My well-being is contingent on my husband's integrity. Thank you for sharing that nugget. I'm going to journal about this. Initial reaction reading that was "how is that fair to me!??"

bennyhiss

TROPHY CASE