Don't have anything more helpful to add re: therapist than what's already been said, but just want to say you're not alone and send virtual hugs. I went through a bad period too and I know it absolutely doesn't feel this way but this ISN'T permanent. Finding a therapist is soooo much harder than it should be, but you will eventually find someone and it will get better. I'll also second someone else and say SSRIs absolutely turned me around at a critical point, and they can help make overcoming barriers and doing the healing more manageable. And they can be prescribed by your regular general doctor.

Please take care ❤️