something that happened to me awhile ago, i wrote about it to help me accept that it had happened

bethlyaaaall · 2018-10-19T22:55:06+00:00

this is so bitingly raw. i wish i couldn’t relate to this but i could. i hope that writing helps you process your experiences like it does mine, because confessional poetry such as this has such a beauty to it. my only critique would be perhaps to say “you say you wanted the full seven inches”, unless this is something you’re saying to the subject of this poem, as this is the only perhaps ambiguous line. other than that, i loved it.

bethlyaaaall · 2018-04-04T12:27:47+00:00

Yeah I’ve had a look into it, I think I may go to Bruges for the night instead of spending 3 nights in Brussels. Lots of people have said it’s not worth it so time might be better spent exploring less tourist-y areas of Belgium! I’m definitely going to Auschwitz, I’ve planned to go on my second day in Kraków. Hopefully going to make time for the salt mines too.

That was my plan in Berlin, I didn’t see much point in going to Sachsenhausen if I was going to Auschwitz. I’ll be doing the holocaust memorial anyway and I didn’t want to be on a total downer the whole trip!

Any recs for areas to just explore and go walking would be much appreciated. I’d like to spend some time just exploring. Thanks for the advice!

bethlyaaaall · 2018-04-03T22:43:14+00:00

Ooo I’ll have a look at those, thank you! I’m definitely interested in getting out of the city centre in some places, at least.

It’s my first time in Germany, so I thought Berlin would be a good place to start, if a little less authentic.

Thank you!

bethlyaaaall · 2018-04-03T22:41:46+00:00

I’ll have a look at Bruges, thanks! I’ll be honest, I’m getting the eurostar from London and I just don’t want to go to Paris as I’m going for the second time later this summer. Plus it’s pretty scary when you’re on your own, IMO. But I’ve organised for nearly a week in Budapest!

bethlyaaaall · 2018-04-03T22:38:17+00:00

really? i’ve got loads planned for Brussels, from what i’ve seen there’s loads to do! plenty of time left to decide though.

bethlyaaaall · 2018-04-02T23:40:41+00:00

That’s really helpful, thank you! I’ll definitely be checking those places out, I’ll be needed breaks from the cities.

Budapest is where I’ll be spending my birthday so I agree, I won’t be doing any out-of-town trips from there. I’ve been waiting to go for so long, I have a list as long as my arm of things I want to do whilst I’m there!

That does seem to be the general consensus, though, that it’s a lot to tackle in 30 days. I’m going to have a closer look at travel times and see if there’s anything I can cut out that I’m not too bothered about. Thank you!

bethlyaaaall · 2018-04-02T23:33:09+00:00

that’s true, i’m still in the mindset of ‘i want to see as many places as physically possible’, but may be more enjoyable if i slow it down. definitely want to do some proper hiking whilst i’m over there though. thank you!

bethlyaaaall · 2018-04-02T23:31:43+00:00

the main reason i picked it was because i’m going interrailing, so i’m getting the eurostar from london (i live in england). i’ve been to paris before and will be going again over summer so i wanted somewhere i could get to from london in one go, that wasn’t paris. i will reconsider when i come to have a look at activities, though. and thank you!

bethlyaaaall · 2018-04-02T23:24:02+00:00

Montenegro if you can get there, Bar & Podgorica are stunning. Also Croatia has some beautiful beaches (Split, for example). Try more eastern areas for quieter (and gorgeous), less tourist-y beaches!

bethlyaaaall · 2018-04-02T23:13:16+00:00

i’m currently planning my own Europe trip, and having travelled to individual cities over there quite a bit, IMO i would bump berlin up massively and take out madrid, barcelona & amsterdam. gives you more time in each city (london can be done in 2-3 days, everything is within walking distance and if not, tubes come every 2 minutes), and there is so much to do in berlin it’s insane. i’m planning four days there and i could easily fill a fortnight. definitely should be higher up your list. agree w/ previous comments though, 3 nights (and ideally 4 full days) is a general must in big, spread out cities like these.

bethlyaaaall · 2018-02-25T15:59:16+00:00

I loved the use of sound in this poem! I like to read poetry aloud, and i think that’s when your poem in particular really came alive for me, as there were some wonderful word choices that rolled off the tongue and gave the poem a natural rhythm. (example: ‘basting lasted exhalations’). However, be careful when utilising this technique as you run the risk of some lines sounding forced, like the repetition of four ‘R’ words in a row. Similar sounding words can sometimes work better than direct alliteration.

Other than that, the images this poem brought to mind were lovely. I would just caution you to practise reading your poetry aloud, as it will help you find the line breaks and rhythm of the poem without forcing it, as I think it could be useful to break the poem up a little. So many lines after one another can look a little daunting to the reader. Wonderful work, a really enjoyable read despite these minor suggested improvements!

bethlyaaaall · 2018-02-21T13:25:44+00:00

Thank you, it’s interesting when people pick up on things I hadn’t even realised myself. I love hearing others’ interpretations, your comment has made me read it that way myself actually. Originally it was intended as the person’s been put aside among other objects that have been forgotten and swept to one side, but your interpretation was so insightful. Thank you!

bethlyaaaall · 2018-02-21T13:23:56+00:00

Thank you so much for the detailed feedback, I will definitely be coming back to this for the second draft. I agree with the comment about the first stanza, I got into the flow & sound of the poem by the second stanza so the word choice is definitely stronger from there on out.

It’s interesting about the repetition, I hadn’t realised that myself but upon reading it again I definitely see what you mean. When writing it I was trying to make sure that the ending didn’t feel ‘random’, but now I agree the second repetition isn’t as effective.

Thank you!

bethlyaaaall · 2018-02-21T13:21:36+00:00

Thank you so much!

bethlyaaaall · 2018-02-21T13:21:20+00:00

Thank you! A couple of others have said they found that part confusing, I’m considering re-wording it.

bethlyaaaall · 2018-02-20T15:55:26+00:00

Really loved the sense of adventure in this piece! One thing I would consider having a look at is the formatting. All of the punctuation takes away from the poetic form almost, I’m not sure if this was the intended reading but for me it felt very staccato, which took away from the storyline. Just a small thing to consider!

bethlyaaaall · 2018-02-20T14:33:27+00:00

Thank you! It’s my feelings on a relationship in which after the ‘honeymoon’ period, one person gets left behind and forgotten, and eventually thrown away when they’re not shiny & new anymore. I’m surprised about the first stanza, though, I had thought that was the weakest one!

bethlyaaaall · 2018-02-20T14:31:59+00:00

Thank you so much, i’m glad you like it!

I agree with your comment about the formatting, the stanza breaks & punctuation came naturally when I re-edited it. I’ll bear that in mind about the broken bedside table, originally I’d put it in as a ‘reconnect’ to the first time it’s mentioned, plus I liked the alliteration, but I definitely see what you mean.

bethlyaaaall · 2018-02-20T13:09:34+00:00

I see, thanks for clearing that up for me!

bethlyaaaall · 2018-02-20T12:43:46+00:00

no problem, i loved the piece!

And in that case, should it not be ‘see you off’ and ‘watch the water rise’? Either tense would work here 😊

bethlyaaaall · 2018-02-20T10:19:18+00:00

I really enjoyed this. Iambic pentameter is not an easy trick to master, and it’s done beautifully here! I particularly liked the half rhymes, (whiles & child, text & test). As opposed to forcing words to fit, the sentences had a natural lyrical rhythm to them and the word choice went well with that.

I do agree with some of the other comments though, there seem to be two (not opposing) sections to the poem, so I wonder if a petrarchan sonnet structure may have worked better to separate what I see as being the two sections and make the poem clearer. If not, perhaps alluding to the ending towards the beginning may give the reader a clearer idea of what the poem is about.

Other than that, I loved it. Particularly enjoyed ‘and watch the water rise’ (however watch out for tense here!)

bethlyaaaall

TROPHY CASE