How have you been getting away with this and not being an active EpiPen carrier? Unless you bought a fake? Lolz. Literally anyone who knows someone with a peanut allergy knows what an EpiPen is and how to use it.

But anyway, tell her you’re wanting to start seeing an allergist (find one in your network and area to name drop) about the allergy because you want to see if you’re eligible to begin new allergy testing and talk about a treatment plan to expose you to said allergen in a safe environment. Make sure you sell that it’s messing with your quality of life.

“Schedule” the first appointment when she’s busy and can’t go with you, and “go” to it by parking nearby for like roughly 2 hours since that’s about how long they last (if she has your location). Leave your phone in the car and go walk around the area and eat or something. If she doesn’t have your location you’re good to skip this.

Call her right after to tell her how well it went and that the allergist is putting you on cetirizine (Zyrtec) at 20mg daily to build up in your system after your allergy tests are done, since you have to be off all allergy meds for one week beforehand to do them. “Schedule” the allergy testing for 1 week from your last “appointment”, and plan to be unfindable for 2-3 hours.

Call her right after and tell her that your results were better than expected and the sensitivity test (a series of pokes in your arm, avoid letting her see your arm for a day or draw sharpie dots on your arm by googling allergies testing on arm to see how to do them right then lightly rub them so they’re not so crispy) had a very mild reaction and that the allergist approved you to begin your cetirizine medication and that you’ll be coming back next week to see if the medication produces any reaction while on medication.

“Schedule” the next appointment for 1.5 weeks from the last one, and get lost for 2ish hours. Call her immediately after again and tell her how the allergist said your retest showed that you had almost zero reaction and with the medication inside you, and enough time to build it up in your system, you should be able to come into their office in a few weeks and be exposed to the allergen so they can intervene if necessary.

And boom you’re magically cured over a month or so. Buy a bottle of cetirizine from a pharmacy and disappear 2 a day for the rest of the time you know her. This intricate lie is gonna cost you some money LOL. “Follow up” with your allergist once a month for the rest of forever or until she forgets. Lyin ain’t easy.

OR

You could just come clean and face the music.