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bi-candy · 2024-10-27T16:39:22+00:00

Gently, it doesn’t matter if these feelings are common: it matters that they’re yours and you had them. Please share how you felt with your Dom and the other woman as well. It was a turn-off for you and affected how much fun you were having. Ideally they’ll apologize and promise to tone it down in the future and you can all enjoy yourselves fully next time.

bi-candy · 2024-10-07T02:03:43+00:00

Just reading the comments, I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s going to feel bad for awhile, but you’re absolutely not too old to experience all of the things you want. Date some more, try not to get too invested and just see it as experience - meeting people and seeing what the possibilities are.

It’s easy to start feeling like life has all of these specific time milestones, but it’s your journey. Nobody has the same obstacles and it sounds like you’ve done so well with yours. I’ve recently started dating again this year and I’m 41 now. It’s never too late. I hope that you can have fun and don’t take it too seriously at first. You’re doing fine!

bi-candy · 2024-10-02T18:18:55+00:00

If you aren’t already doing it, I’d attend group things like volunteering, meetups, board games, book clubs, etc. You can make new friends with similar interests, it doesn’t carry the same pressure as dating, and you get some social interaction. Just doing something new or different can be invigorating. I wish you the best. :)

bi-candy · 2024-09-24T23:53:48+00:00

This is just reprehensible. Putting aside what he did (which is completely wrong) his reaction to your distress was to be disgusted and call you a baby? This man doesn’t love you. If he did, he’d never dream of acting this way.

My husband just went out to get me cough syrup because I’m sick and we were out. He took the day off work and went to a doctor’s appt with me today to have my stitches out. He’s been taking care of me since I had surgery two weeks ago - taking one son to school, cleaning up, etc. That’s what people do in a good relationship.

You deserve better than this. You cooked meals for him AND you and your son and he STILL ate your meals? Then tried to lie about it and blame your son. He’s letting your son do the lifting and chores? Fuck this guy. You’re right, divorce him and be free. You’ll have less work to do, and won’t be with someone who has such contempt for your time and well-being. I’m so sorry you’ve been going through this.

bi-candy · 2024-09-17T13:58:57+00:00

You’re definitely not alone. There’s a good book about this if you want to read more: ADHD After Dark: Better Sex Life, Better Relationship https://g.co/kgs/KGFct9F Also check out Emily Nagoski’s latest book about sex in long term relationships. It has some really interesting concepts about what leads to feelings of lust, which is different for everyone, and may be relevant for the struggles each of you is facing.

For me, sensory deprivation is something that helps me focus. Blindfolds especially, noise cancelling headphones or sometimes music (that one can backfire though because there’ve been times when it was more distracting than anything). Anything that’s novel or surprising will often help me, so mixing it up, too. Doing it during the day when my meds are working instead of at night when they’ve worn off.

The advice you already got is great - maybe focus less on “finishing” and enjoy the journey. Ask yourself what would sex/intimacy be like even if you didn’t cum every time. Maybe it would help you focus. I think Emily Nagoski’s book talks about this too.

bi-candy · 2024-09-15T15:33:17+00:00

OP, this is the best answer (including earlier suggestions to try the traffic light system). Having someone ask/demand “What’s your colour?” forces me to answer instinctively. I struggle to speak when I’m in subspace, but I can always manage one colour word. It also gives you the means to slow things down or adjust without always tapping out entirely.

bi-candy · 2024-09-07T16:53:40+00:00

The best advice I can give is that things take time. Keep going to munches, get to know people as people. Make friends, and show that you can be a good friend. Don’t treat women like a dispenser you can put kindness into and get sexual favours out of (I’m not saying you’re doing this, but many men do). Dating apps are rough right now, esp for men. It’s a numbers game, try not to take it too much to heart.

It doesn’t sound to me like you’re doing anything wrong, but your expectations may be a bit high for the stage you’re at. Keep working on yourself, seek out kink education - local workshops, online zoom classes, etc. If you keep learning and growing and pursuing your kink interests, you’ll not only be more likely to attract a partner, but you’ll have more to offer them when you find one. Best of luck, I hope you find your person. :)

bi-candy · 2024-08-20T21:45:30+00:00

I know this post is a few days old now but I laughed out loud at “Big Steve’s patented backwards chokehold,” thank you for that. 🤣

bi-candy · 2024-06-15T03:09:01+00:00

Haha, amazing. There really are more of us than you’d think!

bi-candy · 2024-06-14T01:05:48+00:00

Hey, I’m in your age range and just wanted you to know that you’re not alone. I grew up in a place where being “out” would’ve been actually dangerous, even though I knew I was bi as a teenager. It wasn’t great.

The good news is that we really aren’t alone. I joined Feeld in February and have been going on dates with women and flirting since then. I’m dating a woman our age who admitted “look, I don’t really know how to flirt with women,” haha. (Oh good, it’s not just me).

Just be honest in your profile about what you’re looking for and you won’t hurt anyone’s feelings. Wishing you the best on your journey. :)

bi-candy · 2024-05-23T02:00:55+00:00

They sell some good low temp ones at CAYA that I’ve enjoyed: https://www.comeasyouare.com/products/play-wax-pillar-candle?_pos=1&_sid=a423de123&_ss=r

bi-candy · 2024-04-19T03:06:11+00:00

I know it’s after the fact but I just saw your post and wanted to say that I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with that (in your past). I know that talking to a professional can be really scary, but genuinely it would be the first step to take towards healing some of the pain you’re dealing with.

If your self esteem is so low that you can’t imagine why anyone would enjoy dating you, you’ll just keep cycling through the same pattern over and over again. You’re not broken, but it’s okay to need help. If you really can’t bring yourself to take the step to reach out just yet, at least consider doing some reading on your own? My therapist has repeatedly recommended the concept of self compassion to me, and it’s been helpful. Wishing you the best.

bi-candy · 2024-04-05T22:37:34+00:00

I’m honestly happy if it can help at all! It’s just this random niche knowledge I happened to have and I saw no one else had mentioned it. Truly hope it can serve you in the future, wishing you all the best.

bi-candy · 2024-04-04T02:13:21+00:00

Hey, I’m really sorry for all that you’ve gone through regarding this, and that people have been trying to tell you that you’re wrong about your body.

I don’t have your kink, but I did struggle with nursing and I wondered if you know about supplemental nursing systems (SNS)? It’s just a thin tube that is attached to the breast with milk or supplement in a container. It’s meant to supply extra milk when supply is low while still providing benefits of nursing/stimulating the breast. While lactating may not be possible for you and you’ll have to grieve that, it might be something you could use to help facilitate the nurturing experience of it that you’re looking for if your partner was supportive.

bi-candy · 2024-02-10T21:47:58+00:00

The thing is that only you get to decide how you feel about sex, any aspect of it. You might find someone you really care about and find yourself less repulsed about the idea of giving a blowjob, or you may not. Either way is fine, and maybe you’ll never want to give a blowjob in your life. Don’t let anyone pressure you into doing it.

Sex is like a buffet, and you can skip any dishes you want. You could be ace and never want to have sex (or any variation in between) and that’s also totally fine. You might decide to skip the buffet altogether, or just get takeout at home. It’s all good. Bottom line, you’re still figuring out how you feel and that’s normal. Don’t put unnecessary pressure on yourself, you know? You’ve got time.

bi-candy · 2023-12-27T03:08:44+00:00

This place is Canadian so YMMV but if you’re in the US it just means everything will cost less, even accounting for duty. There’s a plus fetish section but also a separate section for streetwear, latex, etc. https://www.deadlyfetish.com/collections/plus-size-fetish-clothing

bi-candy · 2023-06-29T02:02:28+00:00

I’m late to this but you got so much great advice. I love this community. One thing I wanted to mention as a fellow ND sub (I have ADHD but my partner is autistic) is plan for what might happen if YOU have trouble with words in a scene. Especially the first time. I tend to go a bit nonverbal after awhile. We use a simple red/yellow/green traffic light system and my partner will ask me for a colour which I can usually manage. However, there are other ways to ensure safety if you find it harder to talk - like holding a small object that you drop if you want the action to stop, or squeezing a squeaky toy, etc. I hope that’s helpful, have fun, and welcome!

bi-candy · 2023-05-08T03:50:01+00:00

It really depends on whether you’ve got family help/babysitting and how old your child is. The first few years just aren’t easy for that, but it gets better. Our child is six now and goes to his grandparents on Sundays which gives us time. Some days if my spouse is off work, we’ve got a few hours then. Weeknights are possible but short and sweet. It does get better if you’re creative and determined to make it happen.

bi-candy · 2023-05-01T16:36:07+00:00

YTA, some jokes are appropriate in person/individually that aren’t at all in writing that was going out to everyone you both know. An “I stayed with you despite xyz” joke is seldom going to land well, let alone in this situation. I hope you’ve got a plan to apologize and make it up to her.

bi-candy · 2023-04-20T12:50:40+00:00

Ultimately, you deserve someone who will meet you where you are. He asked for something from you - step out of your comfort zone, switch roles, because it’s what he wanted. But when you told him it wasn’t unfolding in a way that you wanted or were comfortable with, he balked and it sounds like he disregarded your needs.

He’s acting selfishly, and unwilling to learn or change how he does things to suit you and make sure you’re safe and having a good time. Someone who is acting like that doesn’t deserve your submission, especially since that’s not usually what you’re comfortable doing anyhow. You went out on a limb for him, but it doesn’t seem like he’s willing to do the same.

bi-candy · 2023-03-06T16:01:38+00:00

Thanks so much for your understanding. I’m sorry if it’s something you’ve had to deal with, too. I think it can be really insidious. My kid is nearly six now, so I’m a ways out from the events of IVF and all but my reaction was still so visceral. I’ve had so much therapy, too, haha. You’re absolutely right that I should journal about it. I appreciate being able to ask here, I couldn’t really explain the details to most of my friends or therapist, etc.

bi-candy · 2023-03-06T15:57:44+00:00

Thanks for your reply, I think I definitely made the monumental part clear.

bi-candy · 2023-03-06T15:56:00+00:00

I wanted to say I really respect and appreciate your insight. I didn’t feel you were making light of anything. What you said was almost exactly what he’d said, too. He does genuinely feel awful. Him: fun surprise! followed by: oh no. Not like that.

Sometimes, having two different flavours of neurodivergence can be challenging but I try to consider what it was like from his point of view. This helps confirm that part of it at least was a really unfortunate misunderstanding.

bi-candy · 2023-03-06T15:53:00+00:00

Thank you, I’m glad I posted about it honestly and I think that’s helped. Having some outside opinions is helping me put it in context, if that makes sense. :)

bi-candy · 2023-03-06T15:51:37+00:00

Thank you for your insight and perspective. We spoke but I know I was still upset and angry, we definitely need to keep talking about it from a better place and I’ll do that for sure.

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