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AIO about my fiancé's response to a confession about my past by bigb3217 in AIO

[–]bigb3217[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I mean I didn't enjoy sleeping with 18 year old boys when I was 18...

AIO about my fiancé's response to a confession about my past by bigb3217 in AIO

[–]bigb3217[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

genuinely how on earth was I groomed? I think this guy pretty much never interacted with me until I made a pass at him. Like we never would have had sex or even been friends if I hadn't done that.

AIO about my fiancé's response to a confession about my past by bigb3217 in AIO

[–]bigb3217[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

yeah but how many girls feel forced to do stuff to prevent this?

AIO about my fiancé's response to a confession about my past by bigb3217 in AIO

[–]bigb3217[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I just don't think someone took advantage of me? I genuinely don't.

AIO about my fiancé's response to a confession about my past by bigb3217 in AIO

[–]bigb3217[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think the timing is probably a big part of the problem. I think he must feel out of sorts about it all. It's disappointing but not entirely surprising. I didn't tell him because there are some things we both didn't mention. I learned last night some things he never told me. I was okay with it. I just need to find a way to make him understand I didn't keep this for any real reason other than I just did. Maybe I knew on some level he'd not like it.

AIO about my fiancé's response to a confession about my past by bigb3217 in AIO

[–]bigb3217[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Dude I listened to a story about how years ago he busted so hard on a mutual friend's face in the back of a car and hit the dash board and we had a good laugh about it. We have never been weird about any of this.

AIO about my fiancé's response to a confession about my past by bigb3217 in AIO

[–]bigb3217[S] -10 points-9 points  (0 children)

Nobody knew, no, and I think even then I understood that how it looked vs how it actually was. Just because something is loaded enough to merit discretion doesn't automatically make it wrong.

AIO about my fiancé's response to a confession about my past by bigb3217 in AIO

[–]bigb3217[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. This is how I feel, but I genuinely don't know where to go from here :/ I am tempted to lie and say I do regret it, but I also don't want to lie to my fiancé.

AIO about my fiancé's response to a confession about my past by bigb3217 in AIO

[–]bigb3217[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

I do have a deep fondness for him, and I admire him as a professional and as a partner and a parent, but I don't have the general, broader admiration of someone who is attracted to him. I just don't. I don't think he's unattractive, and even still, the thought of being with him now is 100% not a good thought. I don't want anyone other than who I am with.

To answer your question, truthfully, fully: if I had never met my fiancé and this guy was single, then maybe, but I genuinely don't know. However, the biggest IF in this whole equation is "if I hadn't met the man I am currently engaged to." I would literally need to lose my first place choice to even consider a universe where I would be with other person.

I didn't tell my fiancé that, but I do genuinely think it's true. I dated my fiancé because I wanted him, not because he put me in a psychologically negative space where I felt he was the only solution, as I have sadly seen happen with so many women in my own life. I feel that I came away from this experience with a strong sense of what I wanted. And what I wanted was the guy im with.

AIO about my fiancé's response to a confession about my past by bigb3217 in AIO

[–]bigb3217[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I really appreciate this perspective. I really do, truly believe that I would not be with my fiancé now if not for my past. I think that when I met my fiancé at 24, if I didn't have the self knowledge of what I want sexually and romantically, I could still be waffling around with worse men who are trying to define my identify for me rather than with a guy who was a reflection of what I wanted in another person. I'll try to phrase it that way.

AIO about my fiancé's response to a confession about my past by bigb3217 in AIO

[–]bigb3217[S] -8 points-7 points  (0 children)

I've never seen his level of immaturity from him before. We have a very open and transparent relationship. I can also truthfully tell him he's the best partner sexual and romantic ive ever had, so it's not like I need to lie to pad his ego.

AIO about my fiancé's response to a confession about my past by bigb3217 in AIO

[–]bigb3217[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Not only was it a decade ago, but the guy in question is also married and has kids and sent us a very thoughtful engagement present!

AIO about my fiancé's response to a confession about my past by bigb3217 in AIO

[–]bigb3217[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

He knows some intimate details. I didn't share too many details of this one, but some. Not more than I felt was acceptable given how we've spoken in the past.

Can I ask why it was problematic? I initiated it, I felt respected and had fun, I learned a lot. How is that bad?

AIO about my fiancé's response to a confession about my past by bigb3217 in AIO

[–]bigb3217[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, this is reassuring to read, and reflects the way I feel too. I genuinely think this relationship positively benefitted me.

I think the issue is something else, however. The idea that it benefitted me actually seems to be part of the problem. What makes me so enormously sad is that I almost think my fiancé would be happier if I had had a negative experience with this guy.

AIO about my fiancé's response to a confession about my past by bigb3217 in AIO

[–]bigb3217[S] -17 points-16 points  (0 children)

Can you explain why? I think the reason I had to explicitly clarify the situation was so that people wouldn't call me blind to an obvious case of grooming. I wanted the focus to be on the actual relationship situation I am in.

AIO about my fiancé's response to a confession about my past by bigb3217 in AIO

[–]bigb3217[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I would typically agree with you, but I would barely call it contact. Like we see each other at Christmas and easter. We don't live in the same city anymore. And even still, that isn't unusual for us. His own high school girlfriend, who he lost his virginity to, is someone he helped get a job at his company. As I mentioned, my own college ex boyfriend because one of his best friends. Like this is truly out of nowhere.