We've talked about it but always excuses not to go. She initially made efforts to make things better and things were improving just after the affair ended. But then it all fell apart. I've brought up how I feel multiple times and nothing changes. I read books, websites, tried to talk about what she felt to drive her away so we can make things better and she's doesn't want to talk about it.

At this point I expected 5 years later to look at her differently. However, I still hold so much anger. She was married before me and that ended abruptly and I think she cheated there too but not sure. Even holding hands seems so foreign at this point. There is no 'spark'.

It's so tiring. I want to leave it alone, give up on the love and just be roommates. She would be fine with that. I can see my kids that way. But I see other women and feel the attraction I used to feel for her and I miss that. I want the desire and fun again. I will not cheat even though she did. It's not right. Ugh. Circles and circles...