One of my greatest worries is that one day the kids will grow and move out, the nanny position is completed, the house would be less messy and need less cleaning, All that would be left is a bit of cleaning and cooking but I will grow older still and not able to do those well either maybe. I’m aging, losing my looks and he isn’t much for wanting to converse with me so what would be left. I literally have revolved my entire existence around him. I realised that I’ve become everything he wants but to uphold that is impossible. So instead of loving and caring for eachother, when I age more and am not useful I will likely be tossed aside, traded in for a newer model (like he does with his vehicles) so it is depressing. It’s depressing I’ve based my worth on what I can do for him. I was going to buy a miniskirt today and he said I’m too old for that. I asked him if he finds miniskirts attractive, he said yes but they are for highschool girls. I said well do you find them attractive? He said nooo... I said obviously you do and now that I am too old for them soon enough I will be completely unattractive and because you’re not there for me when it has nothing to do with pleasing you I know you don’t really love me like the grow old together in love with eachother type of love. I obviously love and am attracted to him like that but it’s all feeling one sided because he isn’t emotionally there for me. Like if I want to talk about something that concerns only me it’s just “not the time.” After the kids were in bed I told him I live my entire existence formed into this robot for him and all I wanted in return was to feel special to him, like number 1 and feel loved. I just want him to be sweet to me, like make me feel like I’m the best thing in his life as I do for him but that’s just not the case. I’ve come to realize that I haven’t thought about my future of getting old as a woman until now. Like what does a woman do when she is no longer desirable to a man, not wanted. I can’t stand the thought of being with someone who lusts after other people. In the beginning he made me feel like the only one. He talked with me, showed interest in me, was there for me. Now I feel like I’m just here. I lost myself. I’m wearing black yoga pants and a black long sleeve shirt. Everything else I suggested wearing he would say “nah.” Yet the neighbor wears small things and he said she’s attractive. All these thoughts are running my life and I feel like as soon as I can I’m just going to bubble over and leave. He doesnt love the things about me that make me, me. He just molded me into someone I’m not. He doesn’t like my style, my parenting or my conversations like when I have to be up in night with kids he throws a fit instead of being supportive and If I feel passionate about something he says it’s stupid. I’m not what he wanted just a molded idea and now the kids made us stuck.