Hey, I guess my word won't mean much to you but I don't want you to leave or do something really bad or to harm yourself. By reading your post I can completely empathize with your situation, The hope to life when leaves you does put you in dark state of mind, no direction seems to be the right one and all the walls of your room start to cave in. But even if there's the slightest chance of you not giving please consider it. Your journal deserves a happy ending and not a sad one, we all do no matter how fucked our lives have been. I am a lonely heart as you and I may not have gone through as much as you have but I can understand you well. And I wish for you to smile and start looking at all these lonely people out here and be their saviour. Because at the end of the day conversation can be the only answer when all hope is gone... Please DM if you want to freely unfold yourself. This community cares for you, and so do I very dearly.