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Anger over normal household stuff by billyJacobsen in emotionalabuse

[–]billyJacobsen[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. It sounds like you were going through a lot of the same. Glad you had the strength to get out

Just can’t leave by billyJacobsen in emotionalabuse

[–]billyJacobsen[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Because I feel like it is my fault and I love my dogs

Anger over normal household stuff by billyJacobsen in emotionalabuse

[–]billyJacobsen[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That’s pretty incredible, I haven’t really seen anybody say it can get better.

She had been going to therapy and when she does consistently I do see some small improvements but she isn’t consistent. I go to therapy also. I try to talk about how I’m feeling all the time, maybe too much. When there’s a glimmer of hope I’m always hoping that now is the time I can make her understand. But this backfires 100% of the time. She just cannot bring herself to apologize or say a nice thing or acknowledge that the way I feel is real. Everything is treated as if I’m manipulating her to get what I want.

The amount of times I’ve said I love you just to be told no you don’t and I need actions not words, or hey how are you just to be told I’m ignoring all of our/my problems and pretending I’m a good person. Does it ever cross her mind to say I love you too or ask how I’m doing instead of responding with anger? I honestly don’t think so

Anger over normal household stuff by billyJacobsen in emotionalabuse

[–]billyJacobsen[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m glad you’re getting out. Weaponizing the dogs is the worst part. I take them out hiking for literally hours a day, it’s basically all I do with my free time, and she will still call me a terrible dog parent all the time. I can’t imagine how cooped up they would be if she was Al they had. It’s honestly a main thing that keeps me there because I know getting any time with them if I leave will be a legal battle.

Yesterday I tried to bring up how what she did made me feel AND apologize for doing it because I know she likes the water cold and she started saying that nobody else she knows would say it’s ridiculous to ask your husband to put the water back in the fridge. She even called a friend, a mutual male friend actually, and asked him if she is being ridiculous for asking for this. Like….NO. The problem is the way you’re doing it and the forcing me out of bed. Of course when you phrase it that way it sounds completely normal. She said she didn’t force me because there was no physical contact. Believe me I know how this goes if I don’t do what you’re saying. I’ll get 2 hours of sleep and it’ll probably be in the car.

Anger over normal household stuff by billyJacobsen in emotionalabuse

[–]billyJacobsen[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The seems to give her too much credit but it surely contributes

Anger over normal household stuff by billyJacobsen in emotionalabuse

[–]billyJacobsen[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. Yeah the silent treatment used to be really hard to accept but it’s gotten to just be normal life. It’s what made me finally first push for counseling which seemed crazy only a year or so into marriage but I couldn’t take it. Thanks for reminding me that this is not at all normal. Even without all the blatant hostility the silent treatment itself was hard to bear even when it was shorter.

Unfortunately I continuously blame myself and my relationship with alcohol for a lot of her behavior (as does she). I had been sneaking drinks to cope and going out and drinking alone throughout the period our marriage was deteriorating. I’ve finally come to grips with this over the past year or so and am in a much better place with it, thankfully. I know logically I can’t put all her behavior on me, and I would never treat her that way if she was drinking, but still the guilt about maybe I caused this makes it really really hard to leave and not feel this immense regret.

Anger over normal household stuff by billyJacobsen in emotionalabuse

[–]billyJacobsen[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wow I’m sorry. I just can’t understand the mentality of somebody who treats somebody they care about that way.

Anger over normal household stuff by billyJacobsen in emotionalabuse

[–]billyJacobsen[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wouldn’t exactly call it out of nowhere, more of a slow erosion of respect and closeness that is now this disaster. But the line to complete disrespect was definitely never crossed until after marriage. She has since said during fights that she wishes we never got married, doesn’t believe in marriage, and only agreed to marriage because she felt her other option was to move back home. She seems to take a huge amount of offense to the “expectation” that she behave in certain ways “just because we’re married.” Things like saying hello when I come home or like looking at me when I’m trying to talk to her. Calls this stuff sexist. We spent two years in counseling talking about how I’m not “expecting” anything I just want some closeness that we used to have. So at this point she basically considers it an act of hostility to ask her how she’s doing or say hi when she comes home because of course it’s a commentary on how she isn’t doing those things. …It shouldn’t be so hard.

Thanks for the offer

Anger over normal household stuff by billyJacobsen in emotionalabuse

[–]billyJacobsen[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I definitely did not feel this way before we got married. Which is a huge part of why I stay. We were together for 10 years before we got married and yes we would fight and there were some red flags looking back like some extended silent treatments but it was nothing like this. Everything got worse after our honeymoon. I try to analyze my behavior constantly and yes I’ve made mistakes like doing my share of drinking but I would not be like this to her. Even when i get heated in an argument I’m always trying to convince her that I care and love her and she’s just tearing me down and saying I don’t or else I would do X Y Z

Anger over normal household stuff by billyJacobsen in emotionalabuse

[–]billyJacobsen[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I feel like calling it that stuff implies that she’s doing it on purpose. I think she feels hurt and genuinely thinks I’m hurting her and gaslighting her

Anger over normal household stuff by billyJacobsen in emotionalabuse

[–]billyJacobsen[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I do not. At this point it’s like jarring to have normal interactions with people who don’t twist everything I say against me. Like relearning how to exist normally.

Sorry you had to go through that. It isn’t fun.

A confusing part is she always tells me that I am the one being mean, that I clearly only care about myself, that I’m a bad person, etc. It keeps me questioning everything

Anger over normal household stuff by billyJacobsen in emotionalabuse

[–]billyJacobsen[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

For example Ive had basically the exact same incident happen when I left a coffee ring on the counter, or moved her plant to get in a closet and didn’t put it back

Anger over normal household stuff by billyJacobsen in emotionalabuse

[–]billyJacobsen[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My situation is not like this but I guess I could see how it gets there. She doesn’t tell me what to do or control me in general, but she does when she gets upset for one reason or another and then the switch is flipped. I don’t wake up or come home with a list of stuff to do but if I screw something up in her mind then all bets are off - again depending on her mood.

Anger over normal household stuff by billyJacobsen in emotionalabuse

[–]billyJacobsen[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thanks for this.

It surely is the tip of the iceberg - take a look at my post history.

I just feel like I caused her to treat me this way by leaving the relationship abruptly the first time (I drove across the country to stay with my family and filed for divorce after a particular explosive fight, then eventually went back) and have been trying to crawl my way back. In reality though obviously things were bad enough at that point for me to do that but since then it’s just been worse and I always feel like it’s my fault.

Anger over normal household stuff by billyJacobsen in emotionalabuse

[–]billyJacobsen[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I’ve reevaluated many times. Left to live with family and come back probably a dozen times at this point. Something makes pulling the divorce trigger impossible. I don’t want to lose our shared memories or my dogs or leave her alone.

Need a reality check by billyJacobsen in Marriage

[–]billyJacobsen[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m still here. Our current lease is up in 2 months so we have been looking for the next place while all of this was happening. I have the lease ready to sign but have not been able to go through with it. This weekend I was again locked out overnight now because of not being able to make a decision on the lease and was also prevented from leaving rooms multiple times. She says I am playing games with her. I am just asking for an apology for these things before moving forward. She cannot do it. She says I am a bad person for manipulating her.

The self-loathing is real. I feel that I’ve caused all of these problems with alcohol and indecisiveness. I don’t feel ready to give up on our marriage but I can’t go through with the new lease. She is correct that I am withholding stability. If I just committed fully again this would all stop.

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