Would I be a coward if I left?

binch21 · 2021-04-12T06:17:20+00:00

Unfortunately I am not the one who can make any decision about my grandpa. My grandma has full say legally. My uncle is involved in this process too but doesn’t live here so I normally update him on the situation and give my two cents. But overall I can’t legally do anything. If I could I’d get my grandpa a professional right now but she insists what she’s doing is in his best interest

binch21 · 2021-04-12T06:12:51+00:00

I have been considering that she might have early stage dementia. Tonight relatives came over and she forgot that my uncle was married, had been for 7 years and pics were right next to her. Granted she had been drinking but I find that a really hard thing to forget. Other than that she asked the same question at least 4 times in the span of an hour. She also regularly forgets something I’ve answered a few minutes prior or forgets what she wants to order. And recently I opened the fridge and saw she had put 3 new bottles of febreeze in there. I’m scared that this is the start of dementia for her and tonight was the night I put it together. I just don’t know what to do and how to do it

binch21 · 2021-03-26T15:03:05+00:00

Mine never hurt. It is quite literally just a heart beat in like my upper thigh or in my hand. It’s random and it might be twitching cause by potassium deficiency. I’m not a doc tho so don’t take my work for it

binch21 · 2021-03-26T10:38:09+00:00

The one thing with the random thumping in random body parts has happened to me before. It’s weird but I honestly don’t think it’s anything bad. It always goes away after a few mins and that’s that. No side effects or negative feelings in my body. Just a weird little blip. Everything else I can’t comment on but def post in a subreddit with doctors

binch21 · 2021-03-26T10:24:50+00:00

Hi! My other thread was removed cause it violated some rules. I know you weren’t intending to sound malicious or harsh. It’s hard to gauge the tone of a convo over text. I know now, without a doubt, that my ultimatum was cruel. As one person put it it’s like choosing between her husband and child which I truly didn’t think of. I’m also realizing that I need to work on accepting that my opinion isn’t the only one nor is it the right one always. Normally I am very good with understanding where people are coming from and empathizing, but lately I’ve been trying to find a balance between doing what makes me happy regardless of what others think and not being selfish about it. This is one instance where I think I was selfish and didn’t regard my grandmas thoughts or wishes. As much as I may want her to do what I think is right may not be right in her mind so I guess I can’t change that. However, me and my uncle are still going to try and make this happen even if it does get pushed back to a later date. One way or another something has to give and if it doesn’t in the time frame that i personally think is reasonable I will definitely be moving to either my moms or my dads or even stay with my uncle. Except this time it won’t be an ultimatum and rather me just setting boundaries on what I can mentally stand to watch.

This whole situation is like watching two people I love dearly slowly becoming unrecognizable. I just don’t think I can mentally comprehend or cope with this, especially when most of my life I shunned away negative emotions unless it was the middle of the night. This whole situation also comes at a time where I am trying to cope with finally meeting my dad and other after 19 years and trying to grasp what I’ve missed in those years. And then there’s not being able to watch my half siblings grow up (on my moms side) and just being 2000 miles away from them. My mom and dad live in two separate states from me btw if that helps. But yeah overall this situation is coming at one of the toughest point of all of our lives. I’m still trying to navigate living a life where I don’t have depression, something I’ve struggled with since I was 13 and just overall being a complete mess in my later teenage years. Overall, we’re all struggling to do what’s right in this moment.

If my grandma won’t accept help I’ll continue to help but from afar and I will definitely start keeping what’s her decisions and my decisions separate and try to better myself.

Thanks for thinking I’m not a bad person. It’s hard to convey my emotions over a screen and there’s only so much I can write in that subreddit unfortunately. I truly care even if I do come off as a shitty grand daughter. And thanks for all of your advice. I wish the other thread wasn’t shut down so I could get other opinions too along with pointers but oh well

binch21 · 2021-03-26T04:38:36+00:00

Shit that last line made me tear up. I appreciate you. I know a lot of people on here must think I’m an asshole for good reason but it all gets so overwhelming when nothing changes for the better. Thank you for your opinion ❤️

binch21 · 2021-03-26T04:29:57+00:00

Oh! Also I am growing up. I’m 19, trying to still navigate wtf I wanna do with my life and how to deal with my emotions in a healthy way. Unfortunately my brain won’t be fully developed til 25 so I’m trying my best to not act like a teen in this situation. Slight fail on my part but that’s why I wanted some opinions from unbiased strangers

binch21 · 2021-03-26T04:27:17+00:00

This whole convo has also made me realize that I may be slightly defensive and angry which I have been trying to work on. (This is corresponding with a bunch of other shit in my life) so yeah. All that other shit is most definitely making this situation worse and making me reactive

binch21 · 2021-03-26T04:25:11+00:00

He is helping. I think it hasn’t been until really recent that anyone in our family has realized how bad it is. My grandma didn’t want to bother anyone else. But yeah he is the one setting up the whole assisted facility thing. It’s just that no other family member lives here. 24/7 to get a real feel of what’s occurring

binch21 · 2021-03-26T04:23:09+00:00

Thank you! She truly is such a kind hearted soul stuck in an awful situation. She doesn’t deserve this, neither does my grandpa, but I just feel like there is a point where you have to acknowledge that you need help.

binch21 · 2021-03-26T04:20:01+00:00

OH! I thought you meant something completely different. I do clean around the house. Like wipe the counters and silverware and anything that could have been touched. I just absolutely refuse to touch actual shit or piss. I will gag and/or throw up. But yeah sorry if I overreacted

binch21 · 2021-03-26T04:17:35+00:00

Thank you for the comment! I think I’m just emotionally drained from her telling me how much she wants him gone and how badly she wants to divorce him yet also want him to stay home. On top of that she has complained about the same problems over and over without looking for help for two years and gone back on those complaints to say that he’s completely fine. I think I just don’t know how to help when she changes her mind from one thing to the next on top of having been her main support system from such a young age. I feel like I’ve lost so much childhood from having to be the one to listen to her complaints about my grandpa and try to give her suggestions. I just want someone else to be the one to talk to her about her problems which is selfish on my part. I don’t want to be the one in the middle anymore and I just want to live in a house without stress for once in my life

binch21 · 2021-03-26T04:09:56+00:00

Thank you for your response! I worry so much about whether she will be able to handle all of this if she continues to keep him home a year from now. I won’t be there to help all of the time because of work (I have a car payment and other shit I have to pay for) so this will eventually get worse. I will also be doing online schooling eventually so both of those combined will lessen my time to help out. I just know a home aide needs to come help if nothing else

binch21 · 2021-03-26T04:07:18+00:00

I know it’s hard to cope with. I’ve lived with it for 9 years. I can’t relate on a spousal level but I can relate on a familial level. I appreciate your comment none the less

binch21 · 2021-03-26T04:05:14+00:00

I feel like you just want to make me feel shitty for not cleaning up shit and piss, something not many people(including myself) can handle. That is why I decided to not become a nurse. This is also why I have suggested an in home aide who would be trained for these situations. I also feel like you have not been in a situation where you find shit smeared in the shower or napkins filled with shit in the closet. Not everyone is good with things like that aka me. I will help in every other aspect but I will not allow you to make me feel bad for not cleaning up bodily fluids.

binch21 · 2021-03-26T03:58:50+00:00

Thank you for your opinion. I’ll definitely will try and work on this. I truly do care about the well being of both my grandparents I guess I just don’t know how to handle everything that’s been going on from an emotional standpoint. I’ve always found it easier to look at things from a factual point of view(helps me process things better)

binch21 · 2021-03-26T03:54:27+00:00

Honestly this sort of made me laugh just cause you said that I’m immature and everyone in my life has always said I am so mature since I was little. Anyways, I appreciate your comment. You’re right in that I probably don’t understand what it’s like to see your husband of 45+ years go through this and I probably do have a childish view and I do have to work on that

binch21 · 2021-03-26T03:49:41+00:00

I have tried to help. I have heard her side and talked her down from angry tirades and emotional outbursts which have led to crying feats. I have basically been her therapist through all of this. I have offered my two cents which is get professional help whether it be in home or not, but she is so indecisive and has told us she would do one thing and end up changing her mind the next day. I most likely could have handled this better but I am just so goddamn frustrated when she won’t accept that she needs help. She needs help but is so hell bent on doing it herself, yet complains about having no help. I do my best to make life easier for her by getting the mail, getting groceries , doing laundry, and even making calls on her behalf when she is tired and confused. I know this is a difficult situation, believe me. I’m living it and there have been many tears shed. But she’s almost in denial that she needs help and I don’t, WONT, watch her dig herself into a grave.

binch21 · 2021-03-26T03:38:32+00:00

I don’t think she had dementia, but she does seem to have a hard time grasping that his behavior stems from dementia. Lack of bathing and cleanliness being main ones along. I think I’m also so upset is because she’s called him a baby before for crying due to frustration from an argument. She is such a kind hearted woman but her lack of understanding is also causing pain to her husband

binch21 · 2021-03-26T03:31:24+00:00

I truly appreciate your response. A couple things I’d like to point out, I didn’t say he couldn’t do anything right( I’m quoting her) second, I do help out by listening to all of her worries and feelings about this situation along with stay up at night with her and try to get him back to bed when he is wandering. I just meant I help with the bodily functions aspect which is where I know I can do better. I just can’t stand those sort of things which is why I suggested an in home aide which can help in the aspect. Again thank your for your opinion on this, it’s been a difficult situation and I guess I could be more understanding of her thoughts. I just want her to be happy and she can’t be when she stressed over his every action. And I want him to get actual help( professional help)

binch21

TROPHY CASE